


We're older now, the light is dim

by Winter_Oswin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Harry Potter, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Lily Evans Potter, BAMF Regulus Black, Bisexual James Potter, Bisexual Regulus Black, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Character Death Fix, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Gay Sirius Black, Harry Potter is Bad at Feelings, Harry Potter is a Little Shit, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Indian Harry Potter, Indian James Potter, James Potter & Lily Evans Potter Live, James Potter is a Good Friend, Lily Evans Potter is So Done, Lily Evans Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Person of Color James Potter, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Canon, Protective Remus Lupin, Recovery, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Feels, Regulus Black Lives, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin is Bad at Feelings, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius Black is a Good Sibling, Trauma, Veil of Death (Harry Potter), Young James Potter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:26:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 51,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27866082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winter_Oswin/pseuds/Winter_Oswin
Summary: Here's what happened. James and Lily had died to protect their son. They had done it all for Harry, did everything they could to ensure his safety and happiness. All for Albus to dump him at Petunia's where he was neglected and abused.Lily had seen it, sort of. The afterlife was weird like that. You could watch your living loved ones but not directly. It wasn't like turning on the telly and watching their lives. It was more of a feeling with flashes of memories. She could feel her son's pain, his confusion, his fear, his hopelessness. Every once in a while she could see him too, locked up in his little cupboard, not bothering to cry because he knew that tears would only bring more pain. She could feel his hunger, his desperation. It was eating her alive... Well... Not alive. That was the problem.The afterlife was supposed to bring them peace, it was supposed to be their final resting place, but Lily couldn't rest, not when Harry was wasting away in some dark hole and nobody was doing anything to fix it.She was his mother, and she was going to fix it. And if that ment dragging her husband and their new friend back through the veil to the land of the living, then so be it.
Relationships: Harry Potter & James Potter, Harry Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon & Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black & Harry Potter, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black/James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 193
Kudos: 698
Collections: Start the Tape Again





	1. Through the veil

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [我们现在长大了，光线昏暗](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29174499) by [CYDD](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CYDD/pseuds/CYDD)



> Okay, so this fanfic is inspired by Quietlemonhush's "bindings, bindings" which is a great fix-it-fic about Jily and Regulus coming back from the dead 9 months after their death. While this story is inspired by 'Bindings, Bindings' I will be taking it into a different direction and I hope that you'll enjoy it! It'll definitely be pretty dark at some points and I'll include individual warning at the beginnings of each chapter!

Lily Potter woke up to darkness. It could've been a welcome change from the bright burning light that had engulfed her only seconds prior but it was jarring. For a second she didn't know what was going on. Only that it was dark and tight and she was trapped in nothingness and the air was so goddamn thin, why couldn't she breath? Why-?

Then she remembered. She remembered the veil and how it felt to claw her way back through it, she remembered two men holding onto her for dear life, she remembered her soul burning to smithereens and thinking:" Did I just properly kill all of us?"

But no. She was here. Her heart beating in her chest, her lungs screaming for air, her back aching from the hard surface she was laying on. She was here. Alive. It had worked... Right.

Lily tried to focus, to center herself. She had no idea where _here_ was. She ordered her hands to move and they did. She hadn't had a corporal body in so long, it felt bizarre. She let her hands wander over the ground she was laying on and it felt like wood, raw and harsh, the sensation of it against her fingers was almost too intense to bear. She found where the ground ended and two walls started but they weren't very high. Only a few inches away from her face was the top. Lily realized that she was incased in a little box and a second later she also knew why. She had been dead. Dead and buried. She was in her bloody coffin. _Great!_

In hindsight she could've seen this coming. It made sense for her sprit to return to her body, then again Lily hadn't expected to come back to life exactly. She thought she might just end up as a ghost, and that was already her being optimistic. People weren't supposed to come back from the dead.

She pushed the voice that told her that this was incredibly wrong and against nature aside and focused on the task at hand. Getting out of the coffin. After all, she hadn't fought her way back to the land of the living just to suffocate 5 minutes later and end up exactly where she left off.

Lily accessed the situation. The coffin was made of wood which was good news. It would be easier to break. She felt around the space some more until she felt dirt on her fingers. If there was dirt in here that mean that the coffin must already be damaged. She raised her hands to the top of the coffin and felt around it until she found the gash where the wood had caved under the weight of the earth and split open. A week spot. Perfect.

The next step was to make the hole bigger so Lily started to kick against it and she only now realized that she was wearing high heels. They had buried her in high heels and a dress. For a moment she felt the urge to laugh at that. She didn't know why, it wasn't particularly funny but the thought of ruining a pretty dress by crawling out of grave suddenly seemed hysterical.

She didn't laugh though, she didn't have the time or oxygen for that. Instead she just continued to kick against the wood until it broke more and more, letting more and more dirt fall in. She kicked the dirt out of her way as good as possible but it still got into the air making it even harder to breath. She had to move quickly or she'd run out of air. So she curled up as well as the tiny space allowed, pushing against the wall until she could stick her head and arms out of the hole she created.

Of course she was only met with even more dirt and less air but Lily wouldn't let that stop her. She just thought about her son, crying in a cupboard somewhere, Sirius, locked away for a crime he didn't commit, Remus, mad with grief and isolation and she thought of her boys, who were hopefully both fighting their way out of their coffins right now, too. She had to get out, she had to get through this for them. So she held her breath and dug as quickly as she could until her hand broke the earth's surface and there was no more dirt. She couldn't see, too much earth still in her way, could barely move. Suddenly someone grabbed her hand and she felt warm skin against for the first time in too long. And they were pulling, pulling her up through the dirt, raising her from her grave until her head broke through the surface and she saw his face.

James was covered in dirt from head to toe, his smart suit as ruined as Lily's dress but his smile was as big and crooked as ever and his eyes were bright and sparkled and he was alive! They were both alive and Lily took her first real breath and she wanted to sob because they were alive. It was cold and the sun was too bright and she could hear cars nearby that were too noisy but none of it mattered because they were alive.

"You did it.", He rasped, sounding out of breath and raw. "You fucking did it! You brought us back!", He exclaimed before letting out a wild and triumphant shout. Next thing she knew, James wrapped his arms around her, raising her up and spinning her through the air. Lily wondered where he got the energy when she could barely stand.

Once he let her down both of them took a moment to just stare at each other. They had been together behind the veil, that's what the afterlife was, being with your favourite people, but not like this. Not with blood running through their veins and hearts pounding in their chests. It hadn't been this real.

"It worked a little too well, didn't it?", Lily smirked carefully. Her voice cracked from not using it in so long, her smile felt unfamiliar.

"I wouldn't say that. I'd say that we were realistic and humble about the prospects of getting back here and the universe decided to not suck for once and reward us for it. ", James quipped and there was nothing unfamiliar about him. He looked the same as he had the day they died. Tall, lean and fit, dark, sun-kissed skin and chaotic black hair.

She had missed seeing him. Really seeing him and not just his spirit.

But that wasn't the reason why they were back.

Here's what happened. James and Lily had died to protect their son. They had done it all for Harry, did everything they could to ensure his safety and happiness. All for Albus to dump him at Petunia's where he was neglected and abused.

Lily had seen it, sort of. The afterlife was weird like that. You could watch your living loved ones but not directly. It wasn't like turning on the telly and watching their lives. It was more of a feeling with flashes of memories. She could feel her son's pain, his confusion, his fear, his hopelessness. Every once in a while she could see him too, locked up in his little cupboard, not bothering to cry because he knew that tears would only bring more pain. She could feel his hunger, his desperation. It was eating her alive... Well... Not alive. That was the problem.

The afterlife was supposed to bring them peace, it was supposed to be their final resting place, but Lily couldn't rest, not when Harry was wasting away in some dark hole and nobody was doing anything to fix it.

It wasn't just Harry though. It was Sirius, thrown into Azkaban without a trial, innocent but still consumed with guilt. It was Remus, completely alone and isolated, unable to find a job and starved of anything human. And it was Peter, the goddamn rat, living a comfortable life with a clueless family that had no idea about the monster in their midst.

They all fueled Lily's rage and rage had no place in the afterlife. And she wasn't the only one. James shared all her anger but if it had only been the two of them they probably wouldn't have made it. No. They needed...

"Where's Regulus?", Lily heard herself ask, looking around for the third part of their trio. Regulus had been instrumental to their break out. He knew things Lily and James has no idea about. He told them about the horcrux, about how Voldemort had found a way to return after his supposed death, and he told them about the tethers.

Tethers were the things that tied their spirits to the mortal world. Their bodies were the ultimate tethers. They were their vessels. But there was other things, too. Parts of one's soul that everyone spread around. Not like a horcrux, no. Tethers were completely natural. The second strongest tethers were children, products of one's life, real living things that carried little pieces of you.

Regulus had already spend a while trying to find a tether strong enough to pull him through the veil when they met him. Because he, too had rage and pain and unfinished business. First it had been Voldemort and his horcrux. He was obsessed with ensuring the destruction of it. Then it was Sirius. Redeeming his brother and setting him free became his priority and Lily admired him for it. She knew that James felt the same.

Regulus had been unsuccessful in all his attempts to breach the veil, he hadn't left behind much to tie himself to. "It's difficult to find a connection strong enough when you never really connected with anyone.", He said once and he spoke matter of factly like he always did but it still broke Lily's heart a little.

As a mother, Lily was their best bet, having the strongest tie to Harry. But even that shouldn't have been enough. Maybe it was her sacrificing her life, maybe the blood magic that her love left behind but something made her tether stronger than usual. And once they had figured that out they knew that they had to try to breach the veil.

Lily led them through it, with the other two mean holding onto her for dear life... No pun intended.

It had been agony and ecctacy. It was watching her birth and death and everything in between, it was memories getting scorched into her mind, it was pain and pleasure and fear and joy and hate and love and everything human and it felt like it was too much, way to much. She was coming undone, it was ripping her apart and she couldn't- it wasn't possible- it wasn't right or natural- and Lily was sure that she had led them all into their doom but then she heard him.

Harry crying. It wasn't much of a cry actually, it was too muffled. More of a repressed sob. And suddenly air filled her lungs.

Now they were here and alive and Regulus was nowhere to be found.

"I reckon he woke up in his body as well. Wherever he was buried.", James suggested, stroking his filthy hair out if his face. His smile had faded a little now that the initial shock of life had worn off.

"Great! How are we supposed to find him?", Lily asked frustrated. What if he was trapped in a grave as well, what if he couldn't manage to claw his way out? For a second Lily got startled by how much she cared. It shouldn't have surprised her. Sure, she hated everything that Regulus used to stand for and Regulus used to consider her the scum of the earth but death changed things, it shifted your perspective. Regulus wasn't the same boy she knew when she had been alive, James and her weren't the same either. And it took all three of them to get here. She had learned to trust Regulus and she liked to believe that he trusted them too. You had to trust someone if you let them drag you through the veil of death back to live, right?

"Reg is a big boy, he'll figure it out. And he knows where we are heading. We agreed to meet at Remus' if we get seperated.", James explained, trying to calm Lily down but it wasn't working.

"He could be dead again for all we know!", She protested.

"No I don't think so." James said and something about his confidence in the statement caught Lily off guard. A puzzled expression formed on her husband's face as he pressed his fingers to his neck as if he was feeling is pulse. "Yuh, I'm pretty sure that I can feel Reg's heartbeat.", He then announced.

"You what now?", Lily asked, raising her eyebrows comically.

"I- I don't know how to explain it. Something happened when we passed through the veil. You know, all this fire, I'm sure you saw it, it burned us, all three of us and maybe, I don't know, we melted a little, bled into each other? Because I can feel him. His heartbeat, his breathing, like I'm him but I'm not.", James struggled to explain.

"Can you feel me, too?" Lily asked, not entirely convinced yet.

"Not like him, no. I don't feel your body. I don't know why.", He shrugged.

"But you're sure that he's fine. ", Lily clarified.

"Yeah, alive and well, as far as I can tell.", He nodded and Lily choose to just trust him with that. They had just come back from the dead, a little psychic link was nothing to write home about in comparison.

"Okay... So Remus. We need to get Remus and then Harry. And we need to go after Peter and free Sirius and-", Lily got cut off by the loud growling of her stomach. She only now noticed how cramped up it was. Like she hadn't eaten anything in days... or more like months.

"We need to eat.", James stated, seeming just as surprised by that as Lily. She was surprised at how much she had forgotten about being human.

"Maybe Remus has something to eat?", She suggested.

"Good plan. Wait, I'll look for our wands. They must've buried them with us.", James explained and with that he jumped back into his own grave, digging through the dirt.

Lily took this moment to take in her surroundings. The world she has left behind 9 months ago. Bright and electric and alive. It was overwhelming. They were in Godrics Hollow. She recognised the church beside the graveyard. The place they had started their little family, the place they had died. It was all so surreal. She wanted to lay down on the ground and touch the grass, feel it between her fingers, smell it, all to make sure that they were really here.

A shiver ran down her spine. It was colder than she had expected. It felt like late autumn and not late summer. It had to be August...right? Time was weird in the afterlife. It didn't really exist but Lily tried to keep track of the mortal world as well as possible. Last time she checked Harry turned two years old. He didn't know that, of course. Because Harry spend his second birthday in a dirty diaper, locked into a cupboard. Nobody wished him a happy birthday. Nobody gave him a hug, a kiss and a present. Nobody cared and Lily was furious.

"Got them!", James announced, climbing out of Lily's grave. She hadn't even noticed him finding his own.

"Great. Thank you.", She smiled, taking her wand from him. It felt warm and familiar in her hand. She could feel a spark of magic run through her. It was electrifying.

She looked up at James, now only inches away from her. Behind the Veil they had practically been one. A matched set. Moulded together by their love for one another.

Back in the mortal world they were more seperated. They were their own people instead of two mingled souls. Lily almost liked it better this way. Sure, she missed knowing James' every thought but being themselves again gave their love more meaning. After all, the fear of loosing someone was an integral part of love.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Plus, she felt like the link was still there, even if it wasn't as strong as before. She could still feel him, his emotions, his love for her, his worry for their son and friends, his hate for Peter. Maybe James was right about the three of them fusing together.

James' hand bumped against hers and she reached for it, skin on skin. This was also nice. Touch. They couldn't touch like this behind the veil. It wasn't the same. They couldn't hold each other like real people. Now that was possible again.

James seemed to think the same thing because he reached for Lily's face, cupping it gently with his hands as if he was afraid of breaking her.   
Lily leaned into his touch, breathing in his smell, drowning in the golden light of his eyes.

"You really did it, Lils, you marvelous hurricane of a person.", He hushed, a gentle smile pulling at his lips. Lily felt herself melt with his warmth.

"Couldn't have done it without you, Potter.", She grinned, reaching up to brush one of James' countless stray strands of hair out of his face. She was so goddamn lucky.

"I've missed you.", She said before thinking about it. It was the truth.

"I never left your side.", James smirked and Lily shook her head.

"I know... I just... I missed us, being real, being alive. ", She tried to explain. "I love you. " She didn't need to explain that. James knew more of love than anyone Lily had ever met.

"I love you, too.", He whispered back before leaning in and _god.._. How she had missed this. His lips on hers, their bodies impossibly close. She might've spend eternity like this if weren't for the reasons why they had came back in the first place.

Eventually they seperated, coming to their senses. Both breathless and smiling widely.

"We need to get to Remus.", James reminded the both of them and Lily let out a breathless laugh.

"Exactly.", She nodded, taking his hand and preparing to side-along. "Let's go save our family." She said more to herself than James and with that they disapparated.


	2. Looney Moony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you for all your nice comments! I'm glad to see that people seem interested in the story! Also, a slight warning for the tiniest mention of alcohol abuse and depression but nothing graphic at all. Also Remus is a total emotional mess in this but that's not surprising.

Remus' day went like any other in the last few weeks. He woke up, dragged himself out of bed, had a tea and read the prophet. Then he went to the diner he was currently working at and 9 hours later he came back home to his run down little cottage and dropped onto his couch.

If he was lucky some of the food was left over and he'd take it with him. Allison, the manager of the place always complained that he was so meager and usually let him have the left overs. In the past Remus might've rejected her pity. Not anymore. He couldn't afford to.

The evening of the 17th November 1988 should've gone like any other. He'd come home and eat his stale sandwiches, he might read a little before bed, then he'd crash. But when Remus made his way towards his parents' old cottage he saw that the lights were turned on and froze.

He knew that he hadn't left the lights on. He didn't use them much unless he was reading. He didn't need to. His night vision was incredibly good.

Remus approached his cottage slowly. Someone was definitely in there. He could smell them. Two distinct smells. Something about them was familiar, like a distant memory but he couldn't pinpoint it. Maybe his mind just rejected the idea all together.

A shadow moved past his kitchen window. Maybe they were burglars, but Remus' cottage was in the middle of nowhere and definitely didn't look like he had anything worth stealing.

Remus pulled his wand, preparing for a fight, before opening the door to his house carefully. Once the door was open he moved quickly, trying to use the element of surprise. Of course, nothing was as surprising as the people he found loitering around in his kitchen.

It were James and Lily. Remus' heart skipped a beat. Or maybe it stopped all together. He stared at them, then he closed his eyes, fully expecting to be alone once he opened them again. But no.

James and Lily, dressed in their funeral outfits and covered in dirt were standing in his kitchen, seemingly sharing a loaf of bread.

"Moony! Mate, put the wand down, it's just us!", James ordered, raising his hands in defence and Remus realized that he was still aiming at them. He couldn't lower his arm, he couldn't breath, because James sounded just like himself, the warm concern in his voice was so goddamn familiar and Remus couldn't take it.

"You're- you're dead-", he stammered. He had gone to the funeral by himself. Because he was the last one of them. Because Black was a traitor and none of the others made it out.

"Yeah, we were, weren't we? Well, not anymore. We're back!", James announced, his lips tilting into his trademark crooked grin but there was a nervous edge to him. Like he was worried for Remus' reaction.

Remus was worried for himself, too. He thought that he had handled Lily and James' death pretty well considering the circumstances. And sure, there might've been a lot of alcohol and nicotine involved and he might've never been able to fill the hole that their deaths left in his life. But still. He was mostly in one piece. Except, apparently not. Apparently his mind had chosen today of all days to fracture.

"Remus, do you have anything to eat besides this bread? We searched the whole kitchen but there was barely anything here. We thought you might have abandoned this place.", Lily asked, while stuffing her face with more and more bread, practically inhaling it. Aside from the dirt she looked exactly like she had when they were 21. Of course that's how Remus would remember her, he'd never seen her grow older.

"The bread was moldy...", He heard a voice say and it took him a moment to realize that he himself had spoken. His voice sounded foreign and robotic. This was too goddamn surreal. He felt like reality was rapidly escaping him.

"Yeah we cut the moldy part off. Can't exactly be picky right now. I feel like I'm starving.", James smirked, taking a bite of the piece in his hand.

"I've forgotten how it feels to be hungry.", Lily remarked and James nodded excitedly.

"I've forgotten how amazing food is!", He added and Remus was feeling himself unravel more and more.

He thought that his bouts of depression had been bad, or the nightmares but this was a completely different league. He had gone absolutely bonkers. "I'm fucking loosing it-", he whispered to himself since there was nobody else around.

James and Lily seemed to snap out of their bread-induced euphoria and suddenly James was approaching Remus, his eyes big and filled with concern. James reached for him and Remus felt himself flinch when he actually felt James' hand touch his shoulder. It felt so goddamn real. He could feel how warm he was. "No, you're not, you're all collected, nothing lost. We're real, we're here. ", James told him but Remus couldn't accept that.

He started to shake his head, his eyes started to sting dangerously and his throat was closing up. "It's been so long- I thought I was over it- I thought- fuck...", he gasped out, hiding behind his hands. He didn't want this! He didn't want to be reminded of everything he lost, everything he couldn't have.

"He's not taking it well. ", James stated, sounding slightly alarmed but Remus didn't look at him anymore. He sank to the ground, curling in on himself.

"Oh really?", Lily snapped back, her voice sounding just as sharp and sarcastic as it had when she had been alive.

"You're not real...", Remus whimpered, whipping his head around frantically.

"Remus- we are very much real.", Lily said, her voice closer now, like she had crouched down in front of him. "Come on, take my hand.", She ordered gently and Remus could feel her warm fingers wrap around his wrists and pull his hands away. He still couldn't look at her, though, so he glued his eyes to the floor. Tears welled up in his eyes, threatening to spill.

Lily didn't stop, she just took one of his hands into hers and guided his fingers to her wrist, pressing them down on her skin. "Can you feel that? That's my pulse.", She told him softly and it was true. Remus could feel the steady pounding of her heart right beneath his finger tips. "I'm real, I'm alive. I died but I came back. We both did.",she told him and Remus wanted to believe her. He wanted it so badly but he couldn't. He had seen their corpses. People didn't come back from the dead.

"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry that I couldn't-", he whispered, shaking his head again. Guilt washed over him like a tidal wave. Remus knew that he hadn't been the only one, that James and Lily had trusted Sirius as much as Remus had but they hadn't spend as much time with him as Remus had. They hadn't lived with him. They hadn't noticed how weird and distant Sirius had grown in the months leading up to their deaths. Remus had. And he had done nothing. And James and Lily had paid for it.

Suddenly someone pounded against the door and Remus flinched. He couldn't deal with it, whatever was next. He was already falling apart.

"That must be Regulus.", James stated and that got Remus to look up, because surely he had misheard that.

"What?!"

Lily let go off him, getting to her feet and going to open the door. Once Remus saw who it was he definitely knew that he had cracked entirely.

Regulus Black, Sirius' younger brother, the Slytherin, the death eater, the blood purist, was standing in his house, dressed in nothing but ripped up rags drenched with water and blood and he was hugging Lily! That would've all been insane enough if it weren't for the fact that he died when he was 18.

"Reg- what happened to you?! We've been waiting for hours- we were worried sick!", Lily stated, obviously relieved to see the younger man and James seemed happy to see him, too and nothing made any sense anymore.

Regulus looked like he had back in school. Lean, pale, with a beautiful but haunting face. Where Sirius looked sharp and vicious, Regulus was delicate and hollow, from his huge deep-set eyes, to the sharp edges of his jaw and the hollows of his cheeks. But back at Hogwarts he had always looked perfectly proper. Now he looked like he got ripped to shreds by a pack of wolves during a rain storm.

"You two look like you crawled out of your own graves.", He commented once Lily let go of him. His voice still had that distinct posh accent that Sirius needed years to get rid off but there was none of his usual arrogance in it. It actually sounded like he was trying to make a joke.

"Because we did. ", Lily replied simply.

"Well, so did I. Except my grave wasn't a coffin 6 feet under. It was an inferi infested lake!",the boy explained and James' eyes grew wide with understanding.

"Shit. Right. They buried an empty coffin for you. ", He remarked and Regulus rolled with his eyes. He looked strikingly like Sirius in that moment.

"Now he remembers!", He groaned and Remus was just baffled because this wasn't Regulus. He looked like the boy Remus used to know vaguely but he didn't act like him at all.

"Are you okay?", Lily asked, a worried tone to her voice that didn't make sense considering that she was talking to a death eater. She was taking in the damages, looking at the countless bloody gashes all over Regulus' body.

"It's just a few scratches. I'll be fine. It was much easier to fight my way out this time. Probably because I wasn't poisoned.", the boy shrugged before his eyes fell on the abandoned loaf of bread on the table. "Is that bread?", He then asked, his eyes lighting up with something like desire.

"Here.", James said, picking it up to hand it to him.

Regulus proceeded to rip chunks of the bread off and stuff them into his mouth, paying no attention to etiquette. He looked a little bit like an animal, with his long black curls drenched, tangled and falling in his bloody face as he ate. Remus had never seen him like this before, he hadn't seen Sirius like this either. It seemed unnatural for a member of the noble house of Black to display such wild behaviour. "Thank you. I'm ravenous. I had forgotten how needy the human body is."

Remus got to his feet again, his eyes trained on the three ghosts in his kitchen. It was absolutely ridiculous, completely nonsensical. He was honestly a little impressed of the creativity of his messed up mind.

"Moony? Are you okay there? You're looking a little pale.", Lily asked him, her attention returning to Remus, now that Regulus was taken care of.

"I'll admit. I hadn't expected this. You two are surprising enough. You're about 7 years late but who knows, I probably have a lot of unprocessed guilt that's suddenly crashing down on me and causing this mental breakdown for some reason. But you- ", Remus started to ramble, pointing towards Regulus who only now seemed to have really noticed him. "-you are a surprise! Why the hell am I seeing you of all people?!" He couldn't help it, he started to laugh, borderline hysterical. This was too ridiculous, and if he was going crazy he might as well go all the way.

"Because I, of all people, am standing in your kitchen. ", Regulus replied simply, as if that was an acceptable answer.

"He doesn't think we're real.", James supplied, exchanging a look with Regulus.

"Yes, I figured that much. We can't really fault him for that either. It's a sensible assumption. ", the younger man pointed out before eating more bread.

"Wait-", Lily interrupted. The expression on her face had turned confused and with each passing second it became more and more alarmed. "What do you mean we're 7 years late? Why- How long have we been dead for?", She asked, her voice shaky and Remus' frantic smile died on his lips.

She looked just like she had all those years ago. Not a day older than 21, barely an adult. Sometimes Remus forgot how young they had all been. "I'm so sorry Lily.", He whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

"Tell me!", She urged him and now James and Regulus seemed alarmed as well.

"What's the date, mate?", James asked, pulling his big bushy eyebrows into a frown. Seeing him hurt. Everything hurt and Remus was so goddamn tired.

"It's the 17th November 1988.", He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face, hoping that when he'd look up, they'd be gone. But no, instead he looked into three horrified faces.

"But- it was August. It was August when we left-", Lily stammered, her eyes shooting around frantically now.

"You died in October-", Remus whispered but Lily cut him off.

"I'm not talking about that! In the afterlife I kept track of you. Of your time! We entered the veil in August. 1981.", She insisted and Remus had no idea what she was talking about, his mind had just stopped processing information at this point.

"Is it possible that we've been stuck in the veil for that long?", James asked, no one in particular.

"It's possible.", Regulus replied, looking thoughtful. "You know how non-existant time is up there. Besides, it did feel rather long, didn't it? Did anyone else see their entire lives flash before their eyes, including their birth? Because I did not want to see that."

"Lily?", James asked after a moment of silence. Lily was frozen in her place, except for her hands. They were balled into fists and trembling at her sides. Her eyes were glistening in the dim light and Remus realized that she was crying. Bitter, silent tears, streaming down her face.

"He's 8 now...", She whispered, shaking her head a little and Remus needed a moment to realize that she was talking about Harry. Poor Harry, who never got to meet his parents, who didn't even know what he had lost. Remus couldn't even remember the last time he saw the boy. He had been an infant back then. "7 years... We missed 7 years!", Lily exclaimed and a single raw sob escaped her before she could cover her mouth with her hands. Her body trembled with the pain of it.

"Right...", Regulus mumbled under his breath and James looked like someone ripped his heart out. Remus had rarely seen his friend so devastated. It only lasted a moment because James quickly caught himself and moved towards Lily to comfort her. He was always good at that. At fixing things, and if he couldn't fix it, he'd make it easier.

"Hey, it's okay, we can still get him, we can fix this. ", He whispered, wrapping his crying wife in his arms and something about them struck Remus as incredibly intimate. Like he shouldn't be watching them. But he also couldn't take his eyes off them.

"7 years that he spend in that house where nobody gives a shit about him!", Lily sobbed, her tears leaving tracks on her dirty cheeks. "And what about Sirius? You felt him after months of Azkaban. How much do you two think is left of him now?!", She asked, her voice cracking miserably and Remus felt like someone punched him in his gut.

Sirius Black. Nobody said that name around him in ages. They knew not to. Remus didn't talk about Sirius. He didn't think about him if he could manage. Whenever he messed up and Sirius managed to sneak his way into Remus' thoughts, it never ended well. Because Remus hated Sirius, more than he had ever hated anyone ever. Sirius was a monster that had taken everything from him, everything Remus ever cared about, everything he ever loved, and that included Sirius himself. Because Remus was a monster, too and he had loved Sirius more than anything.

How do you move on when the love of your life destroys everything you ever lived for? You simply don't.

"Sirius betrayed you.", Remus whispered, he sounded dead inside. He hadn't believed it at first, he tried to get a trial for him, but then he saw James' and Lily's bodies, saw them get buried, and something in him just broke. He couldn't make excuses for Sirius anymore.

That didn't mean that Remus didn't still love Sirius. That was the truly fucked up part. He still did, he always would, even if every fibre of his being loathed Sirius. Even if it tore Remus up inside to feel this way. He couldn't stop.

"No... Remus, I know this is absolutely insane but I need you to hear me out and believe me when I tell you. Sirius is innocent. ", James insisted and of course he would. Sirius could do no wrong in James' eyes. He couldn't imagine a world in which Sirius wasn't his best friend. That's what had gotten him killed in the end.

"He was your secret keeper. He sold you out to him-", Remus sighed. _So tired..._

"No he didn't. Peter did. He was the secret keeper, they switched last second. Afterwards Peter faked his own death and without any witnesses Sirius got locked away for something he didn't do. ", Lily went to explain, tears still wet on her face but her voice steadier again.

Remus shook his head. He had believed Sirius to be guilty for so long, anything different just wasn't registering. Maybe this was his subconscious mind's way of trying to justify his love for Sirius. If it was, he didn't want it. It was just another lie. "I'd really like to wake up now.", He croaked, dropping his head into his hands.

A moment later someone grabbed his shoulders and when Remus looked up he expected to see James but instead it was Regulus, looking urgent and intense. "This is not a dream Lupin. We need you to focus, we need your help. ", The younger man insisted and out of all of them he seemed the most real. Maybe because Remus couldn't explain why his mind would've conjured him, maybe because he hadn't seen his dead body or been directly effected by his death. Or maybe it was the blood smeared on his cheek, leaking out of one of his countless scratches. Proof of a beating heart.

But still, it wasn't enough. Because he knew that none of this was possibly real. It was just his age-old guilt, creeping up on him now. He looked to his friends, the people he lost. "I couldn't help you- I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...", He whispered and a dismayed expression crossed Lily's face.

But James didn't seem to be ready to give up. He only turned more determined. "It's okay. ", He said, letting go of his wife and crossing the space between Remus and him. Regulus instinctively moved out of his way as James reached for Remus' shoulders. "You can make it up to us. Just hear us out. Okay?",he asked of him, gently guiding Remus to sit down at his own kitchen table. And because Remus was lonely and tired, and because he hadn't seen his best friends in over half a decade and because he missed them so much... He listened.

James told him the whole story. How Dumbledore offered to be the secret keeper but they chose Sirius. How it was Sirius' idea to switch it in the last second. How they chose Peter instead because nobody would suspect him. That way everyone would come for Sirius but he wouldn't be able to give them up, not that he ever would. And they told him how that decision ruined all their lives. Because Peter was a rat and a traitor and had been a spy for a while.

They told him that nobody knew that they had switched and when Sirius found out that Peter had betrayed them, he went after him. Peter was the one to blow up the street, not Sirius. He killed all those muggles. But then he just turned into a rat and disappeared, faking his own death and leaving Sirius as the clear suspect.

They told him how they watched all this happen from behind the veil and how the injustice of it all ate away at them. And then they told him about the tethers and how Lily dragged them all back to life. Just with the sheer power of her love for Harry.

By the end of it Remus had no idea how to feel. He mostly felt numb. He didn't believe them, partly because he wanted to, because he wanted his friends to be alive again, and because he wanted Sirius to not be a traitor. But he also didn't want to believe them, because that would mean that Sirius had been _innocent this whole time._ Sirius, who had spend the last 7 years in earth's version of hell. Sirius, who Remus hadn't visited once, who he had left to rot by himself, who he had hated more viciously than anyone before him. Remus couldn't even begin to confront that.

"This is insane. ", He stated, because it was.

"We're well aware.", Regulus chimed in. He had stayed silent during the whole story. Letting James and Lily do the talking. Instead he had just watched. He watched all of them with such an intensity that it put Remus even more on edge than he already was. Or maybe it was just his eyes. They looked the same as Sirius', the same stormy grey.

"And how does he fit into the picture?", Remus asked, pointing to Regulus. They hadn't explained that yet.

"I prefer to be addressed directly. ", Regulus sneered but his face turned neutral when Lily patted one of his hands with hers. They all seemed weirdly close which put Remus off even more.

"Regulus gave us the idea, he had been working on it way before us. We couldn't have done it without him. ", Lily explained, giving the younger man a careful smile.

"You flatter me, Evans. ", Regulus replied, rolling with his eyes. But there was a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He looked pleased, just like Sirius' when he didn't want to admit it.

"I can't- I'm sorry, this is too much.", Remus stammered. It would be for anyone, he was sure if it. Surely this wasn't normal? Surely he was allowed to be weary of all this.

"Would it help if you saw that other people can see us, too? ", James asked, he seemingly just had an idea.

Remus thought about it for a moment. Involving other people was risky. Because they'd just think that he was absolutely crazy once they realized that he was talking to nobody. But then again he didn't see any other way to get confirmation on this. "I suppose?"

"Good. Because I was planning a trip anyways. I need to pay my sister a visit. I need my son back. ",Lily stated, getting to her feet again. Her tears had dried by now. She still seemed miserable but there was a new sense of determination there. She was on a mission.

"Wait, he's with Petunia?", Remus asked, once he registered what she just said. Remus never got to know where Harry had been send to after his parents death. He offered to take him in, or maybe he had begged Dumbledore, the first few weeks after that night were a bit of a blur, but obviously he hadn't been an acceptable guardian and Dumbledore never told him where he send Harry. Only that he was save.

"Yes. But not for much longer.", James replied, getting up as well and Regulus quickly followed suit.

"Dumbledore said he was save, wherever he sent him-", Remus said, trying to rationalize this. Maybe he wasn't ready to face other people in this state. But the three ghosts in his kitchen clearly had other plans. They were on the go.

"Dumbledore is a lying piece of shit and shouldn't be tasked with protecting children since he's obviously incapable of it!", Lily snapped and Remus flinched at that. It was startling to hear Lily talk like that, especially about Dumbledore, a man she had always trusted and adored.

"Lily.", Remus gasped but it was clear that she wouldn't take what she said back. Remus had no idea what Dumbledore had done but Lily ment every word she said.

"I want my son. And I want him now. ", She insisted and James gave her a clear nod.

"Okay. Are you two okay to side-along?", He asked, looking to Regulus and Remus and Remus realized that this was happening. They were going to Petunia's, right now.

Regulus had already taken Lily's hand and James was holding out his. Remus had to make a decision. Did he chose to believe them? Did he chose to give in and believe what he wanted to be true?

He took James' hand. "Sure." And the world spiralled out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus: *coming home after work*  
> Lily and James: *chilling in his house*  
> Lily and James: SURPRISE SHAWTY!


	3. Little lion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh your comments on the last chapter were so amazing that I had to bring you this chapter as quickly as possible! I really appreciated all the Lily-love since I'm writing her for the first time. 
> 
> There's a warning for implied child abuse in this one so watch out for that!

The next time Remus opened his eyes they were in a muggle neighborhood. One of those where all the houses looked exactly the same. 

"What's with the uniformity?", Regulus asked, looking slightly disgusted. 

"I think it's supposed to be neat.", James thought out loud and Remus noticed how absolutely not neat they looked as a group. Remus hadn't had the mind to suggest that the other three changed or cleaned themselves up. They themselves didn't seem to notice either. 

Lily led them to one of the houses specifically, striding with purpose. Once they reached the door they all gathered behind her as she knocked and Remus prepared himself for the door to open and him standing there by himself.

That didn't happen, though. The door opened and they were met by Petunia Dursley, who's eyes grew impossibly wide. 

"Hello Tuney!", Lily greeted her, her tone seemingly cheerful but also as sharp as a knife. 

"You- you can't be here- YOU DIED!", Petunia exclaimed before trying to slam the door shut and that was the first moment that Remus thought that he might not be crazy. Because Petunia could see them, too!

Lily put her foot in the door and forced her way inside, sending her sister stumbling back in horror. Remus had only seen Petunia once or twice but that was years ago. She had aged considerably and there was barely any resemblance between her and Lily anymore.

"Yes I did and now I'm back to haunt you!", Lily snapped and Remus rarely heard her voice sound so vicious. 

"What-?!", Petunia shrieked, fleeing back into her house as Lily all but chased her inside. Lily had pulled her wand on her and looked like she was genuinely about to attack her.

James had to grab her arm, pulling her back, to remind her why they had come here. "Lily, get Harry.", he said and it was like a wake-up call for her. Some of the tension left her body as she turned around and made her way to the staircase.

"HARRY?!", She yelled up the stairs.

Petunia tried to move forward but Regulus had seemingly chosen the task of holding her back, pointing his wand at her. "Step back!", He hissed and the older woman flinched away from him.

"Harry, where are you?!", Lily yelled, running up the stairs and searching the other rooms. "Where is he?!", She demanded to know once she came back down again.

"What's going on here?!", A loud voice boomed from the living room and Vernon Dursley joined them in the already overcrowded hallway. 

"We're here to pick up our son.", James stated, sounding far sharper than usual. James wasn't quick to anger but if looks could kill, Vernon would've drop dead by now. 

"You're dead!", the other man gasped and James tensed up, building himself up to be taller, wider, more threatening. Remus was so startled by his behaviour because he had only ever seen James act like this once. The day that Snape called Lily a mudblood. James wasn't violent or furious. He didn't hate people, he didn't want to hurt them. But right now he hated Vernon, and he was seconds away from hurting him. Remus didn't understand what had changed his friends so much.

"Not anymore. ", James spoke through gritted teeth. 

"Where the hell is my son?! Harry?!", Lily yelled again, threatening both Petunia and her husband with her wand now. Her voice had turned borderline panicked.

And then they all heard a knock. All the screaming stopped, it was dead silent. Then another knock. It came from the cupboard under the stairs. 

Remus looked to the tiny door and he knew that everyone else did, too. There was a lock on the outside of it, so whatever... or whoever was inside couldn't get out. Remus recognised a cage when he was face with one. He felt cold all over, sick, horrified. Surely it couldn't be... surely...

"No...", Lily whispered shaking her head, before glaring at her sister, tears in her eyes. She pushed past them all before falling to her knees in front of the cupboard, unlocking it and opening the door. A single sob escaped her and Remus didn't have to look inside to know what the Dursleys had done. 

"You're still locking him up in the cupboard?! He's a growing child! What's wrong with you people?!", James screamed at Vernon's face, fuming with rage. 

Vernon and Petunia didn't even have the common sense to look guilty. Instead Vernon chose to only make it worse. "Your freaky brat always gets in the way- We cared for him when we weren't required to. You should be thankful-", he didn't get to finish his sentence because James had punched him. There was a loud crack and blood started to stream out of the other man's nose. Petunia screamed but Regulus kept her back with his wand, James looked like he was seconds away from taking another swing, and Remus, for some god damn reason, couldn't stop thinking about how James had faced Voldemort without a wand, too. 

The only ones that didn't seem involved in this mess were Lily and Harry. Remus still couldn't see the boy, only Lily, who had wiped her tears and was forcing a smile now. 

"Hello Harry!", She greeted, keeping her tone light and gentle in all this chaos. 

"Am I in a trouble?", A meek little voice came from the cupboard and the fear in it broke Remus' heart. 

"Harry get back there!", Petunia screeched. 

"Shut your mouth!", Regulus snapped at her, pressing the tip of his wand to her throat and Remus was surprised to see the hatred in Regulus' eyes. 

"Hey! It's okay. You're not in trouble. Everything's okay. ", Lily continued to comfort Harry. She held out a hand and Harry seemed to take it. When she pulled it back a little boy stumbled out of the cupboard. 

Remus felt his heart seize in his chest. He knew that it was Harry immediately, because he looked so much like James. The same dark skin and chaotic black hair. But he didn't look well. He was tiny, too small for his age, and meager, boney arms and hollow cheeks. He was drowning in his clothes, which seemed to be hand-me-downs. But the worst were the bruises. One on his right cheekbone and several along his arms. Now Remus knew why James was so angry. He himself suddenly felt the urge to turn into his more monstrous alter ego and rip the Dursleys to shreds.

"Do you know who I am?", Lily asked Harry gently. 

"No...", Harry mumbled, glancing at Lily from under his wild hair. He had taken his hand back, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. 

"My name is Lily. I'm your mummy.", Lily explained and while she was keeping her voice cheerful for Harry, Remus could tell that she was devastated. 

"I don't have a mum.", The boy stated, raising an eyebrow at her and Lily's smile slipped a little. Only for a second. James had stopped staring at Vernon now. His eyes were on Harry as well. He couldn't hide his emotions as well as Lily. He looked horrified. 

"Well, now you do. Come on. I'm taking you away from here.", Lily said, getting to her feet again. But when she reached down to pick Harry up the boy flinched violently. For a moment Lily looked stricken. Then she caught herself again. "Can I pick you up?", She asked carefully. 

Harry regarded her wearily for a moment. Remus only now saw that his eyes looked the same as Lily's. They were just more closed off. "Sure?", He eventually said, not sounding all that certain. But at least he didn't flinch when she picked him up this time. 

"Harry don't you dare!", Petunia shrieked and he squirmed a little, lowering his eyes in fear. 

"It's okay- they're not going to hurt you- I promise. ", Lily whispered into his ear, pulling Harry closer, stroking the back of his head until he hid his face in her shoulder. 

"Do you want me to kill them for you?", Regulus asked, snarling at Petunia who squeaked in fear. Remus had no doubt in his mind that he'd go through with it.

"Yes.", James growled. 

"No! It's not worth it.", Lily stated bitterly, pushing past all of them and carrying Harry to the door. 

She was almost out of the door when Petunia yelled:"We did what was expected of us!"

Lily froze and for a moment she just stood there, her back turned on all of them. Then she turned, quickly, her eyes focused in on her sister, glaring her down. "No. No you fucking didn't.", She spoke through gritted teeth. "It's baffling, because after everything- I thought we were still sisters. I still loved you and if the roles were reversed- if you were the one to...", Her voice broke off for a second, she couldn't even mention her sister dying. " I would've loved Dudley like he was my own. ", She continued, every word dripping with bitterness. "But you couldn't. Why?! What did I do that made you hate me so much that you couldn't even be kind to an innocent fucking child?!"

"I just didn't want to see Dudley grow up to feel as inferior as I did. ", Petunia replied, sounding pathetic. As if that was any excuse. 

Bitterness turned to fury and Lily didn't bother to hold it back, unleashing it instead. "So you chose to abuse my son instead?! Did it make you feel high and mighty, to act out your revenge fantasy on a kid?!", She all but screamed. Remus didn't want to imagine what she would've done if she hadn't Harry on her arm. 

"We hardly-", Petunia started to protest but Lily wouldn't have it.

"Look at him!", She yelled. " He's terrified of you, he's starved and bruised and you locked him up in a goddamn cage!" For a moment everything was silent. Petunia stared at Lily and Lily glared right back. Everything else seemed to fall away until all that was left were the Evans-sisters.

Lily was the first to break the silence. Her voice was a weapon and her words were bullets. She had an endless arsenal. "You're a fucking monster, you're cruel and disgusting and I hope that you rot in hell for all eternity.", She spat, already turning to leave until something caught her eye. "Also, we're talking your money.", She then announced.

"What?!", Petunia gasped, honestly shocked at this.

"James. Her purse. Find her wallet. And his too. In his jacket. Take out all the cash. ", Lily ordered, gesturing at the little purse that was slung over the coat hanger in the hallway. James followed her orders and Regulus helped, searching the pockets of Vernon's jackets.

"That's a robbery!", The older sister protested.

"No that's compensation.", Lily replied sharply, still not taking her eyes off Petunia.

"We'll call the police!"

Lily let out a rattling laugh. Remus had never seen her like this before "I'd like to see you try! What will you tell them who robbed you?! We're all legally dead, good luck trying to explain that!",she spat.

"Got it.", James stated, holding up a wad of cash.

"We're leaving.", Lily nodded and with that she turned on her heels and led them outside again, not looking back once. Regulus and James both threw a last threatening gesture at the Dursleys and then they were all outside again, the door slammed shut behind them. 

Lily walked quickly, putting as much space as possible between them and the house. 

"Nobody yells at Aunt Petunia like this.", A little voice said after a moment and Remus needed a second to recognize that Harry had spoken. He sounded impressed, even a little in awe. He had raised his head by now and was staring at Lily directly. He looked at her like she was a superhero. 

"I do. I'm not scared of her and you don't have to be either. ", Lily said, smiling at her boy but her voice was steely. 

"I'm not scared. ", Harry quickly protested and Lily's smile immediately turned softer. 

"Of course not, you're our brave little lion."

"Are you really my mum?", Harry asked after another moment of silence. He seemed thoughtful now, his dark eyebrow pulled into the same thinking expression that James often wore.

"Yes. And this is James. Your dad.", Lily said turning towards James, they had stopped on a side walk now, taking a breather. 

Harry looked at his father for the first time in years and he seemed mesmerized. Maybe because he, too noticed how much they looked alike. 

"Hello, little guy!", James greeted him, his smile growing wide and Remus could see his eyes start to glisten. 

"I'm not little! I'm almost 8 and a half!", Harry protested, offended. He even crossed his arms over his chest. 

"Oh sorry, little man, then. ", James chuckled and Harry seemed more pleased with that.

"You punched Uncle Vernon.", He pointed out a moment later. 

"Yes... I did. That doesn't make me the best role model, does it?", James replied, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

"It was really cool.", Harry said, looking to the ground shyly. 

"Punching people isn't cool...", Lily quickly said, entering parenting-mode almost immediately. But then she seemed to change her mind a little. " Unless you're defending yourself. Unless they hurt you.", She added and Harry gave James a surprised look. 

"Is that why you punched him? Because he hurt you, too?", He asked innocently. And Remus could tell that they all heard the same thing. _Hurt you, too._ It felt like a punch to his guts. James lost it for a moment, his smile slipping.

Lily stepped in, distracting Harry. "Harry, do you want to see a little magic trick? "

"Uncle Vernon says that magic is rubbish.", Harry remarked but he didn't seem to share that opinion. 

"Well, Uncle Vernon isn't here, is he?", Lily pointed out.

Harry actually looked around for a moment, like he was making sure that he really wasn't. "No."

"Okay. Close your eyes for me. ", Lily asked and Harry did as he was told. Then Lily disapparated. 

"They're off to your cottage.", Regulus commented before pulling his own wand. "See you there." And off he was, too. 

Now it were only Remus and James left. He though that James might say something but his friend seemed lost in though as he pulled his own wand. Then he is disappeared as well and Remus quickly followed suit.

When he opened his eyes again he was back in his kitchen and so was everyone else.

"Where are we? How did you do that?", Harry asked, sounding completely amazed as he took in their new surroundings.

"With magic, we just disapparated. ", Lily explained.

"Are you a magician?", He asked, and the admiring expression had returned to his face. 

"No, I'm a witch, and your dad's a wizard, and so are you."

"I'm no wizard. ", Harry protested, shaking his head.

"Are you sure? Have you ever made anything happen without knowing how you did it when you were angry or scared?", James asked him now.

Harry seemed to ponder that question for a moment. "My teacher said I turned her wig blue. ", He then concluded and a wide grin spread on James' face.

"Really?! That must've been hilarious!", He exclaimed and Harry dared to smile a little as well.

"It did look kinda funny.", He admitted carefully. "She was pretty upset, though. She called aunt Petunia and she didn't think that it was funny at all. "

"That's because your aunt has no sense of humour and wouldn't know funny if it stared her right in the face. ", Lily explained lightly, making Harry smile a little more.

"Can you let me down now?", He asked eventually and even though Lily looked like she really didn't want to do that, she let him slip to the floor.

"Of course."

Harry turned to look at Remus and Regulus, cocking his head to one side as he regarded them both. His eyes rested on Regulus who looked the most insane out of all of them.

"And who are you?", He asked curiously.

"This is your uncle Remus, but we call him Moony, and that's our friend Regulus.", James explained, pointing each of them out. 

Harry's focus was still on Regulus and he dared to take a step closer to him. Regulus stared right back at Harry, his expression completely neutral.

"Are you hurt?", Harry then asked, regarding Regulus' many wounds.

"Barely. Are you?", Regulus shrugged, even though that was clearly a lie. In general the younger man didn't seem all that bothered by the horrendous state of his body. 

"It's nothing. I misbehaved. ", Harry shrugged, just as blasé about it. And while Lily and James looked like Harry just ripped out their hearts, Regulus didn't seem all that surprised or moved by it. 

"That doesn't mean that you deserve to be hurt. Okay? Nobody should ever hurt you. ", Lily tried to tell him but all that she got were two equally irritated looks from both Harry and Regulus. 

"Wait. Show me where you're hurt.", Regulus said after a moment of silence. He crouched down in front of Harry, getting to his eye level. Harry lifted his shirt to reveal a collection of huge gnarly bruises along his ribs. They had already started to fade but they looked like someone had kicked him. Remus was thirsty for blood. James and Lily gasped. Regulus didn't even bat an eyelash. He only pulled his wand and aimed it at Harry's torso. "Episkey.", He mumbled and the bruises quickly faded to nothing, just like the ones on his face and arms. 

"They're gone!", Harry exclaimed, pressing down on the skin as if he was checking for pain. 

"Yes, isn't that marvelous?", Regulus smirked. Regulus continued to show Harry a few more spells, James quickly joining them, entertaining him for now, seemingly to give Lily some time to talk to Remus in private.

"Do you believe us now?", She asked him, not taking her eyes off her son. He seemed a little better now, livelier. He laughed as Regulus made golden and silver sparks explode in the air.

"Well, I could still be dreaming. ", Remus argued, but his heart wasn't in it. He believed them, maybe only because he really wanted to believe them, but he did anyways.

"You're not. ", Lily stated, shaking her head, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"Maybe... What's next?", He asked. He didn't ask what was really on his mind. Because if he really believed them to be alive, then he had to believe the rest, too. About Peter, about Sirius...

"Next we need to talk to... McGonagall.", , She hesitated before saying the name, like she had thought of someone else first.

"Don't you mean-"

"We're not talking to Dumbledore. ", Lily insisted, cutting Remus off. "He put him there. He left him with Petunia and he didn't check on him and you saw how they treated him. I'm not talking to him. Only McGonagall. ", She stated, her voice like steel. It left no room for arguing. Remus didn't feel like protesting anyways. While he still couldn't comprehend how Dumbledore had let this happen, he could understand her resentment. It was completely justified. "Do you have a fireplace?", She asked, looking around as if she had just overlooked it.

"No, sorry. "

"It's okay. Can you send an owl? Tell her to come here as quickly as possible?"

"Sure. " At this point Remus would probably do just about anything Lily asked of him.

"In the meantime we should get some groceries. ", She stated and Remus felt a twinge of shame at that. He barely had enough to pay for his rent, he didn't have any spare change.

"I don't have-", he started but Lily only waved him off.

"What do you think we stole the money for?", She asked, walking over to James and returning with the money. She handed it all to Remus. Over a hundred pounds. He stared at it for a moment, unsure if he should accept it. Then he realized that it wasn't charity. Lily was asking them to buy food for them, because they all needed it. 

"Okay, I'll send the owl and hop into town afterwards. You should stay with Harry. Do you need clothes to change into?", He asked as he put the bills away. 

Lily looked down at herself like she had once again forgotten what she looked like. Maybe she had just forgotten what it was like to have a body."Yes. That would be good."

He led her to his bedroom where he opened his small closet. "Be my guest.", He said, gesturing for her to take what she needed. "You can use the shower, too. Towels are in the bathroom."

"Thank you Remus.", She said softly and he was about to leave when she grabbed his wrist, pulling him back. Remus was once again floored by how young she was. He had forgotten. All her rage and motherly instinct made her more mature, without it she looked like a kid herself. " You know, I didn't get the chance to tell you this, yet. But I missed you. ", She smiled at him, it was a sad smile, Remus didn't mind, his probably looked something like that, too.

"I missed you, too. Both of you. More than anything. And I'm sorry. ", He whispered and now it started to hit him. The guilt and shame. What had he done? What had he done in the last 7 years except to hide and wallow in his grief while Harry was suffering.

"I had no idea- I-", he gasped out and then Lily was hugging him, she was so much smaller than him but he still leaned on her like a rock.

"I know. We saw you. We saw you try to help both of them. ", She whispered soothingly, rubbing circles over his back. 

"Both-?"

"Harry and Sirius.", Lily clarified and Remus' chest grew even tighter. 

"Sirius-", he choked out. Because it was all crashing down on him now. Sirius, who he loved more than anyone, Sirius who hated and wished dead, Sirius who was-

"He's innocent.", Lily said, like she wasn't sure if Remus had fully comprehended that yet. In a way, he hadn't.

"I know- I know that now and I can't even be happy about it because I left him to rot in Azkaban. I- He's never going to forgive me-" Remus only now noticed that he was sobbing, actually sobbing with huge ugly tears streaking down his face.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. ", Lily whispered before separating a little from him to get a good look at him. Her expression was so gentle, so soft, so Lily, it made his heart ache.

"7 years, Lily. ", He pointed out, not trying to hide the shame and guilt. Sometimes he felt like that was all he was capable of now. 

"I know. ", She nodded before reaching up and cupping Remus' face with her hand. "But we'll fix it. We'll fix it all.", She promised and she sounded so goddamn convinced and Remus wanted to believe her more than anything. He wanted to live in Lily's world, where everything worked out, and good always won. Except he knew that things usually didn't go like that. Lily and James were the best people he knew and in the end it hadn't made any fucking difference. Nothing was fair and everything hurt. 

"I wish I had your tireless optimism.", Remus smirked bitterly. 

"It took me a long time to get here, Remus. I didn't go through all that for things to stay shitty. I gotta be optimistic. Or else what's the point?", She replied and Remus didn't have an answer to that. Arguing Lily had always been impossible, especially when she was so dead-set on something. So he didn't. 

Instead he just sunk back into her arms and they hugged for a while longer. In the end he was the one to pull away once he felt more stable again. Lily gave him an encouraging nod and squeezed his shoulders. "Go off now. We're all starving. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Petunia: *having a normal day*  
> Lily: *still covered in dirt after crawling out of her grave and looking murderous*  
> Lily: Boo Bitch!  
> Petunia: *screams*
> 
> ~
> 
> Lily: Nobody is allowed to hurt you  
> Harry and Regulus: *stare in confusion*  
> Harry and Regulus: Sounds fake but okay


	4. Getting a dog from the kennel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is probably my longest one yet! I hope you enjoy!

It was around 11 pm by the time that McGonagall showed up in Remus' living room. By then his new guests had all showered, changed into his clothes and eaten. It was strange to see them all dressed in his large sweaters and slacks. Especially Regulus looked completely out of place in Remus' things. It made him look much softer than he usually did.

By the time the older witch appeared Harry had fallen asleep already and Remus had offered his bed for the boy. Lily brought him to bed so it were only Remus, James and Regulus present when McGonagall showed up.

Upon landing McGonagall took in her surroundings. She froze once her eyes found the two ghosts on Remus' couch. Remus hadn't told her what this was about, only that it was urgent.

"This is impossible-", the older women whispered and Remus was once again relieved to see that other people could see them, too.

"You did always say that my behaviour was impossible. ", James shrugged, his typical grin on his lips.

McGonagall stared at James, gaping a little, which was an unfamiliar look on her face. She quickly caught herself and looked to Remus instead. "Remus, playing with necromancy never ends well, I thought you knew that.", She stated, almost sounding disappointed.

"I didn't do this!", Remus defended himself.

"Yeah, this isn't like that-", James rushed to his aid just as Lily left the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

"Is McGonagall here?", She asked before spotting her former teacher. A smile spread on her lips, McGonagall looked like someone gutted her.

"Lily-", the woman gasped.

"Hello Ma'am.", Lily greeted her politely.

"Minnie thinks Remus did some necromancy to get us back.", James grinned up at his wife and Lily couldn't help but to smirk as well.

"Oh no, he didn't. We came back ourselves. ", She shrugged but McGonagall was already shaking her head.

"That shouldn't be possible. ", She insisted.

"All is possible through love.", James claimed before looking to Lily again, sounding only slightly. "By the way, is Harry asleep?", He asked.

"Yeah, I think the day was a little too exciting. He went out like a light. ", Lily replied, a pleased look on her face.

"Harry is here?!", McGonagall asked, even more concerned and Lily and James exchanged another look.

"We have a lot to talk about. "

About thirty minutes and an entire pot of tea later, James and Lily had retold the entire story to McGonagall, up to this moment, including them taking Harry from the Dursleys. Remus had to admit that it felt way better to actually know what was going on but even on second hearing the story still sounded like a fever dream.

"Do you need a moment?", Regulus asked sarcastically after McGonagall had silently sat in her chair for 5 minutes, staring at nothing.

"Don't rush her.", Lily said before turning to McGonagall again. "We are aware of how crazy all of this is."

The older woman looked up finally, still looking unsure. "Can I do some spell work on you? Just to make sure that you're really you?", She eventually asked.

"Yeah, of course. ", Lily shrugged and James nodded along as well. They both looked to Regulus who looked back at them and Lily and him seemed to have a silent conversation.

"Okay, fine.", he eventually groaned. McGonagall continued to try different spells on the three of them to see if they were imposters or some kind of undead creatures. She came up empty.

"It's insane, absolutely nonsensical!", She exclaimed at the end and now Remus had to smirk a little.

"That's what I thought, too. ", He agreed.

"It's like you never even died. This is revolutionary. ", The woman claimed, still in awe. Remus himself hadn't quite realized the scope of this yet. He was still trying to process that his friends weren't dead anymore. He hadn't even stopped to consider how insane it was that it was possible to come back from the dead.

"Yeah, yeah, we've done what nobody else has in the past, blah blah. We don't care about that. The next part is to get Peter and free Sirius. " James insisted. Maybe resurrection just wasn't that exciting when you were the one going through it.

"Of course! Oh Merlin... Poor Mr Black. When I heard it I couldn't believe that it was possible but-", McGonagall didn't have to finish that sentence. They all knew. She felt the way that everyone else had, like it couldn't have been Sirius. But there were too many things pointing towards it. "I'll have to contact Albus. ", She added instead.

Lily and James shared a sharp glance at which James shook his head before looking to McGonagall again.

"You can if that helps with setting Sirius free. But we won't be talking to him. ", He stated and his tone left no room for arguments.

"James-", McGonagall sighed but James didn't feel like listening to her defend Dumbledore right now.

"You didn't see what they did to our son. As far as we're concerned, that's on Dumbledore. ", James then insisted, his tone much colder than usual. It was a little chilling, to be honest.

"He'll have to respect that.", McGonagall eventually agreed.

They then went on to discuss Sirius and his current predicament. This topic specifically filled Remus with dread. And he didn't seem to be the only one. Regulus, who wasn't all that vocal in general, seemed to zone out even more. Remus figured that they both had their own reasons to be anxious of a reunion with Sirius.

"I want to go, I want to be the one to get him out.", James announced as they discussed getting Sirius discharged.

"We'll need to explain it to the department of magical law enforcement first. ", McGonagall reminded him, like she had done already.

"We'll explain it to them. Regulus and I. Lily stays with Harry. We can do a press conference for all I care.", James insisted, it was his priority to get Sirius freed as quickly as possible.

"Alright, I understand. ", McGonagall tried to calm him down a bit. "I'll contact everyone from the floo in my office. We'll get a meeting with the department of magical law enforcement first thing tomorrow and then we'll get Black out, I promise."

"It's not fast enough. ", Regulus suddenly spoke up. He wasn't looking up at McGonagall, he was staring at the ground. His entire body seemed to be filled with tension and his only outlet was his rapidly bouncing knee.

"Reg-", Lily sighed exasperated, sounding like she had had this argument with Regulus before.

"7 years!", The younger man exclaimed, looking to her but Lily didn't seem all that impressed with him. She just stared at him and he stared back. They seemed to be having a completely silent conversation which the rest of them weren't invited to. Eventually Regulus caved, throwing his hands up in the air, exclaiming:"Fine!"

Remus and McGonagall shared a look. Apparently she was also slightly concerned with Regulus' presence in all this. When Remus looked to James for answers, his friend just shrugged, seemingly unbothered by their weird behaviour.

Lily didn't seem to notice their concern. She just looked pleased with herself. "We're getting him out tomorrow.", She nodded at McGonagall.

"Will you be staying here? ", McGonagall asked, looking to Remus for confirmation as if he knew what the hell those three were planning. When she noticed that Remus was as informed about their plans as she was she looked back to Lily.

"Yes...for now. We'll probably move to the Potter Manor tomorrow. It has more room and we're gonna need it.", Lily explained before looking to Remus, her lips forming into a smile. "You're welcome to join us!"

As always, Remus' first instinct was to decline and reject anything that could be viewed as charity. It had just gotten ingrained in his personality over the years. "I don't-", he started but James wouldn't let him finish.

"Moony. We're probably going to cocoon ourselves there for the next few weeks until all of this blows over. We want you there with us. We came back for you, too.", The other man insisted and James always had a way with being so genuine that you just couldn't say no. 

"Okay...", He nodded, still not sure if he really was okay with it. But Remus had been alone for so long and if he was really honest with himself, he was sick of it.

"That leaves us with one more problem.", McGonagall continued, pulling Remus back to the topic at hand.

"Peter. ", Lily and Regulus said simultaneously before exchanging a look.

"Precisely. You said that he's a rat, an unregistered animagus. What proof do you have of that?", the older women asked, looking to James for answers since he had been the one to tell her about Peter becoming an animagus.

"My testimony. We became animagi together. I'm one, too and I helped him. ", James explained, not bothering to hide that little crime anymore. It did pale in comparison to Sirius being convicted of murder but Remus noticed that James didn't expose Sirius being an Animagus, too.

"You'd have to register if you went public with that. And it is a crime punishable with time in Azkaban.", McGonagall warned him and Remus could see James roll with his eyes like an annoyed student, being told off.

"Yeah, but how big is the probability that they're gonna lock me up?", He asked, obviously not expecting any huge consequences.

"Not very high. You're heros, locking you up would cause a public outcry. But they will probably give you a fine."

James' lips twitched like he was trying to suppress a smirk. Remus could see how the idea of a fine would seem ridiculously inconsequential to someone like James who had enough money to never be required to work a day in his life.

"That's okay with me.", He waved her off.

"And you said that he's-"

"-living with the Weasleys. As a pet rat. Or at least he used to 6 years ago when we entered the veil. ", Lily explained and suddenly something shifted in McGonagall's face. Like she just had a realization but it quickly switched over into horror.

"He's at the school.", She then whispered.

"What?!", James exclaimed.

"One of the Weasleys, Percy, he's in second year and he has a pet rat.", McGonagall rushed to explain. Remus still grappled with the fact, that a man who he thought was his friend, who he had mourned as much as James and Lily, was not just alive and a traitor, but also hiding right under their noses with one of the most well-known wizarding families.

"How can we be sure that it's really him, though?", Lily asked and this time Remus was the one to speak up.

"He's gonna be missing a claw.", He pointed out and when everyone stared at him he noticed that he hadn't really said anything during the entire conversation. "Because they only found a finger.", He added with a shrug.

McGonagall took that information and nodded along. "Then I'll confiscate him tomorrow morning to make sure that he doesn't get away until news comes out about your return.", She promised.

"Perfect.", Lily agreed.

"Would that be all? ", The woman finally asked, already getting to her feet, seemingly in a rush to get the things they had settled on sorted.

"Yes, for now. ", James nodded, getting up as well, with the rest of them following his actions.

For a moment McGonagall didn't say anything else, she just looked at Lily and James, maybe really looked at them for the first time. A soft smile pulled at her lips, it was a little bitter-sweet. "It's very good to see you again.", She finally said and James and Lily seemed to melt a little.

"It's good to be back. ", Lily grinned back, taking James' hand into hers.

~

The next morning was a bit of a hassle, or rather a huge chaotic mess.

McGonagall had apprehended Peter as promised and delivered him to the Ministry, accompanied by James and Regulus who confirmed that, yes, they were back from the dead, yes, Sirius was innocent, and yes, Peter was the one who was actually guilty.

They spend hours at the ministry, getting questioned by pretty much every department. The department of magical law enforcement took a long time on Regulus specifically, with his past as a death eater, and James got stuck at the Animagus Registry forever but in the end he got to leave with his name on the registry and a fine for a couple hundred galleons.

They luckily managed to avoid any journalists from the prophet but James was still glad that Lily hadn't joined them, using the day to move all of them into Potter Manor instead.

That way, their home would be ready for them in the evening. Once they were finally released by the ministry Alastor Moody was already waiting for them.

James used to know Alastor pretty well, as well as you could know someone as paranoid as him. Alastor had been his instructor back when James went through the Auror training.

He looked older, rougher, and he also had a new magical eye that shot around his head wildly. James would have been surprised if he wasn't aware of how prone to loosing body-parts Moody was. "Potter! And I though I was hard to kill!", The other man growled at him and James had to smirk.

"Don't worry, Moody, you'll still outlive all of us. ", He returned with a grin and Moody pulled a grimace that might've been a smile if his face was capable of that.

"Are ye ready to pick up yer mate, Black?", He asked and James nodded eagerly. That's the only thing that kept him going all day. The certainty that he'd get to free Sirius today.

"Don't make me wait for it a second longer."

Moody's regular eye wandered to Regulus who glared back at Moody without flinching back, his face completely expressionless. James knew that this was hard on both sides, because even though they were on the same side now, it was hard to forget the past, especially when Regulus was still wearing the dark mark.

"Is yer pet death eater comin'?", Moody finally asked and James felt Regulus tense beside him. He reached for him instinctively, brushing his hand against Reg's as he gave him a meaningful look.

Regulus relaxed only a fraction before looking to Moody again. "No thank you.", He stated before giving James a nod. "I'll see you at home."

With that they parted ways and now only James and Moody were left. "Can we go now?", James asked impatiently.

"Never seen a lad so eager to go to Azkaban.", The older man sneered.

~

Sirius was counting days. That's what he usually did. 2576 days to be exact. He had covered one of the walls in his cell with lines, counting every single day since his best friends died. And every day he'd count them over and over again, obsessively. It kept him somewhat grounded, even though staying grounded was pretty much impossible here.

1782, 1783, 1784- one of the inmates further down the hall was screaming, Sirius blocked it out as well as possible.

1785, 1786, 1787- he could hear steps, human steps. Human guards rarely passed the actual cells. They probably couldn't take the stench.

1788, 1789, 1790- a shiver ran down Sirius spine and he curled up a little tighter. He had spend so much time curled up in a corner like this that his spine might be permanently deformed now. He imagined that if he tried to stand up his back would just stay bend and curled up.

1791, 1792, 1793- the steps stopped in front of his cell. It were two people and they were talking. Sirius blocked them out, too. He just focused on the lines.

"Step back from the cell, Black!", Someone growled, yanking Sirius out of his thoughts, causing him to loose count. People rarely used his name in here, he was referred to with a number, if anything.

"That's hardly necessary. ", the second person complained and their voice was so familiar that Sirius' heart seized in his chest. But he quickly pushed the thought aside since it wasn't possible. It couldn't be-

"He's not the same man ye used to know. Azkaban changes people. ", The other voice explained and Sirius thought it might be Moody, but he wasn't sure.

"A lot would have to change for me to loose trust in him. And I don't want to live in a world like that. I didn't come back for a world like that.", The familiar one returned and Sirius shook his head. It wasn't him. It were the dementors, playing a trick on him, or maybe it was his own mind.

The door to his cell was unlocked and a large looming figure stepped inside. Sirius didn't look at them. He just kept his face turned towards the wall he was cowering against.

"Today's yer lucky day, Black. ", The first voice said and now Sirius was pretty sure that it was Moody. A long time ago Sirius viewed him as a teacher, a mentor. About 2576 days ago. 2576 endless days.

"Really? Are you finally finishing me off?", He asked, going for gallows humour but he hadn't used his voice in so long that it came out all cracky and wrong.

"I sure hope not. I just got here, can't have you leaving now.", The second voice replied and Sirius knew that it wasn't him. That it couldn't be. But he still looked, because he was desperate and he just wanted to see-

"James-", he whispered, his voice breaking off entirely. There he stood, only a few feet away from him. James Potter, tall, strong, looking as young and alive as ever. Sirius fought the urge to throw himself into his arms.

"Hello, Padfoot.", James greeted him and the familiar nickname hurt. He approached Sirius slowly before crouching down a few feet away from him. Getting on Sirius' eye level. "Missed me?", He asked and he sounded just like James, his smile even looked the same, even if it was a little more anxious than usual.

"More than anything...", Sirius rasped out, closing his eyes for a moment. Finally, after 2576 days, he had lost it.

"You look like shit.", James remarked and Sirius had to smirk, opening his eyes to look at his best friend.

"You look exactly the same.", He returned because James didn't look a day older than 21.

"Yeah, dying kind of presses the pause button on aging. ", James shrugged, seemingly unbothered by his own death.

Sirius winced. "You gotta remind me of that?", He asked, pulling a pained expression but James didn't seem to care. He just stared at Sirius, looked at him up and down like he was taking in the damage. "So are you here to take me away?", Sirius asked eventually. He had waited a long time for this.

"Yup. It's about time. ", James nodded, straightening up again and combing his hands through his hair. Sirius looked at him until it hurt, until his heart couldn't take it anymore. Then he looked to the floor.

"I never believed in the whole "the grim reaper looks like a person you loved"-shite, but I guess you learn something new every day. ", He mumbled. Sirius never had a fixed idea of how it felt to die but he had assumed that he'd feel something at least. This felt like just another day.

James, or the thing that was pretending to be him, stayed silent for a moment. When he spoke again he seemed upset. "Sirius- I'm not- I'm James.", He stuttered but Sirius shook his head.

"Yeah, of course you are.", He stated sarcastically. "You're either a dementor or death and either way I'm about to bite the dust so can we speed this up?", He asked, hiding his face in his hands for a moment. Sirius knew that he was going to die in Azkaban. He just wanted it to be over now. He just wanted to see the real James and Lily. He just wanted this to end. Wait, had he just said that out loud?

"Sirius, stop it. You're not dying. You're alive. And so am I. I am the real James. I am here!", Not-James insisted, sounding alarmed and desperate.

"I wish that were true...", Sirius sighed. But it wasn't. The real James was gone and it was his fault because Sirius thought that he was so goddamn clever.

"Look at me.", Not-James ordered but Sirius only shook his head.

Before he knew Not-James charged at him and Sirius held his breath, preparing for the gold grip of death or a dementor. Instead of that he felt warm hands grabbing him by the collar of his prison uniform and yanking him to his feet until he was face to face with Not-James, so close that he could feel the other man's breath on his skin, the warmth of his body. He even smelled like James, and weirdly enough, like Remus. "I said look at me! I'm real, I'm here! See?!", James exclaimed desperately and Sirius did exactly that. He looked at him. Properly looked at him. At the golden, hazel shade of his eyes, the glasses that always sat a little crookedly on his nose, the familiar expression of concern on his face, and he felt him, how warm, how alive, how real he was.

"James...?", Sirius whispered, scared that the man in front of him would dissolve into thin air any moment.

"Damn right. ", James nodded before letting go of Sirius and letting him stand on his own two feet. Sirius swayed a little but quickly caught his balance.

"How- I saw your-what?", He stammered, still not understanding what he already believed to be true. That James Potter was alive.

"It's a long story, okay? The short version is that I'm back and I'm getting you out of here.", James explained simply and Sirius frowned at him. Sure, he had wished for something like this maybe a thousand times but that didn't mean that it made any sense.

"You can't break me out of prison...", He mumbled and James rolled with his eyes like he used to do when people told him not to break the rules.

"I'm not. You're getting discharged. Come on, this place blows.", James then explained before grabbing a hold of the back of Sirius' clothes and gently leading him outside.

When they stepped out onto the hallway, Moody was already waiting for them, looking pissed off as always.

"You can see him too, right?", Sirius asked, pointing to James at which James rolled with his eyes.

"Of course I can see him, do ye think I'm fuckin' blind?!", The older man growled and Sirius held his hands up in defence.

"No, of course not. Just wanted to make sure that I haven't completely lost it. And you're really just letting me walk out of here now?", He then asked. It felt too good to be true, all of it. He was scared that he was about to open his eyes and realize that it had just been an amazing dream. Except he hadn't had a good dream in years. It wasn't possible here.

"Yes. We're handin' ye over into the great care of Potter, here. ", Moody sneered, sounding like he was mocking the two of them.

James didn't seem to mind, he just urged them to start walking again. "Great, now let's get off this island. I hate it here. "

Their trip through Azkaban was mostly a blur in Sirius' mind. The voices of the other inmates were so much louder here, their screaming and screeching was deafening. Or maybe it were the dementors they passed by, amplifying the misery. But when Sirius felt his brain fogging over with pain and fear, he just looked to James, who was holding him up, leading him out of here. He was back and he was going to save him, like he always had.

At some point James took off his coat, that smelled suspiciously like Remus which made Sirius' chest feel tight, and wrapped Sirius in it. It wasn't extremely warm but anything helped and when James spoke a heating charm over him, Sirius practically melted.

"Aren't you cold?", He still asked, feeling bad for making James shiver in the biting cold now.

But as always James would only shrug and smile. "Yes but what's five minutes compared to seven years?"

Sirius didn't know what to say to that so he didn't say anything and just enjoyed the feeling of being warm for the first time in years.

They took a boat to cross the water around Azkaban and the ride felt endlessly long. Sirius spend it curled up against James, with James' arms wrapped around him. He didn't care that Moody saw, he didn't care what he'd think. Sirius hadn't seen James in 2576 days, he hadn't been touched by another person in almost exactly that long. He was all out of fucks to give.

Once they reached shore, James helped him out of the boat and Sirius took his first breath free of dementors. Already he felt more alive than he had felt in ages.

"Ready to go home?", James asked him. _Home_... Sirius didn't know where his home was anymore. A long time ago his home had been a tiny flat he shared with Moony, but then- then he messed up- and he ruined them- and now Moony was gone and it was only Sirius- Sirius all by himself with no one to talk to- besides-

 _James_. James was here. Sirius wasn't alone anymore. "Wait a second. Let me just look at you, please-", he practically pleaded because this was all moving so fast and he still couldn't quite believe it, that he was free, that James was here, somehow back from the place nobody could return from. "You look exactly the same. ", Sirius pointed out. He thought that maybe he had just imagined it. Maybe James just aged very well but he hadn't. James hadn't lived so he hadn't aged either.

"Yeah, because I'm still 21. You're the one that got old. ", He smirked but there was a sadness to it that Sirius could understand. He had recently turned 29. He was 8 years older than James now instead of just 5 months. It made no sense to him but somehow, some way, it was real.

"How- how are you- how did you-?", He stammered, unable to form the words he needed to get the answers he wanted. Luckily James always understood him better than anyone else.

"It was Lily.", He replied, sounding proud and Sirius' heart skipped a beat at hearing her name. He hadn't yet dated to hope that Lily was back, too, but maybe... "We both hated what happened down here, what they did to you- to Harry-", James went on, pulling Sirius' focus back to what he was saying. His expression darkened when he mentioned his son and Sirius couldn't help but to feel a jolt of anxiety. What had happened to Harry? Wasn't he supposed to be save with Dumbledore?

"So Lily pulled us back. ", James finished his explanation, which wasn't much of an explanation at all, which he seemed to be aware of. "We'll explain it in full once we're home, but right now I'm more concerned with getting you somewhere warm. ", He added before grabbing a hold of Sirius' hand, ready to apparate.

"Thank you for your help.", He told Moody who just sneered back at him.

"Yeah, yeah, don't make me regret it!", The older man spat at which James only smirked.

He looked back to Sirius, giving him an encouraging smile, seemingly asking:" _Are you ready?"_

"I've missed you, Prongs.", Sirius told him, daring to smile a little, even if it felt weird and unfamiliar.

"So did I. ", James replied, his smile widening a bit before apparating and pulling Sirius with him. For a moment everything was spinning and he was getting tugged around wildly, before suddenly landing on a hard tile floor.

Sirius looked around and instantly knew where they were. "We're-", he started to say as he got to his feet.

"-in Potter manor.", James finished for him. "Can't really go back to Godrics Hollow, I don't know if you've seen but our roof got blown off by a homicidal maniac.", He chuckled and Sirius was a little startled by how easily James could laugh about his own death. "Lily?!", He then yelled out and Sirius turned towards the door, his heart racing in his chest. This day couldn't get any fucking better.

But when he turned he didn't only see Lily. No, she wasn't by herself. To her left was Remus, which was already a big enough shock, but it was the man on her right that really felt like a punch to Sirius' gut.

Regulus, who didn't look a day older than 18 and who was for some reason dressed in Remus' clothes, was leaning in the doorway, looking like a mess. "Hello, brother."


	5. Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! This is the first chapter from Regulus' point of view and it will be pretty dark, there's a lot of self loathing and self destructive behaviour in this and also done physical violence, so watch out for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so before we get into this chapter I wanted to talk about some concerns that got brought up in the comments of one of the previous chapters. I'm talking about the relationship between James and Severus. Here's my point of view on it. Since the only information that we receive on it comes from Snape's point of view, I think that it leaves a lot of room for interpretation. Of course Snape would view himself as the victim and James as the tyrant, everyone sees themselves as the protagonist of their own story, that doesn't necessarily mean that it reflects the truth. I think the bullying was much more mutual, and that they were both awful and nasty to each other, just with the difference that James grew out of it and Snape continued to bully children even when he was an adult. Do I think that James was justified in what he did? No, not at all and I will reflect that in the story. The reason why he was described as so kind and caring in the last chapter was because Remus viewed him as such, because that's how James was with him. Which again, doesn't represent the entire truth. His memories are also clouded by 7 years of missing and mourning his friends and idolising them in his mind which makes him a bit of an unreliable narrator. In general every character aside from James and Lily are pretty unreliable. Now, how will I solve this? Of course I'm not giving any specifics but I will say that Snape will be part of the story, those two will meet each other again and James' faults will be discussed. In canon I gotta admit that I don't like Snape at all and I think his "redemption" wasn't worth shit, that doesn't mean that I think he's irredeemable and I am excited about writing him because he does have a lot of potential.

"What is he doing here?!", Sirius barked, swaying slightly where he stood. He looked awful. He was so meager that his grey skin practically hung from his bones. His eyes were sunken in and crazed and everything about him was filthy. Then again, Regulus probably didn't have room to judge, he knew that he looked pretty messed up right now as well. Especially with the scars that were all over his body, including his face now. He had healed the scratches that the Inferi left as well as possible but just like the claw marks on Lupin's body, the injuries were magical and left scars that magic couldn't heal. Who would've thought that he'd have something in common with Lupin one day.

"I also missed you!", Regulus snarled sarcastically.

Here's the thing. Sure, part of why Regulus wanted to come back was because of the horcrux. But his main motivator had been Sirius, even if he didn't want to admit that to the Potters. He was sure that they knew by now. Especially Lily's mind seemed too entangled with his own to keep their thoughts seperate. That's besides the point, though. The point being, that he came back from the dead because he wanted to help Sirius, because he wanted to free him and because he wanted to make up with him.

But that wasn't so easy. Old habits die hard and Regulus had spend so much time pretending to hate his brother, so much time resenting him, that it was just ingrained in him to lash out at Sirius. He feared that he had unlearned how to be kind to Sirius, or to anyone for that matter. He feared that he had never been capable of being decent.

So the escalation might've been partially his fault. But then again, it needs two to start a fight, and he wasn't the only one who had been raised to be vicious.

"You're a death eater!", Sirius spat, and even though he looked like he was about to collapse any second, his words still dripped with venom.

"Funny how that's the thing you're most concerned with when I've actually been dead for 9 years. You really have your priorities straight!", Regulus snapped, age old anger and resentment bubbling up and washing over him.

_Regulus, what-_

"Sirius, I know this might be confusing but Reg came back with us-", Lily started to explain, going as far as literally stepping between the two. Regulus thought that Sirius wasn't much of a threat without his wand and he wasn't exactly in peak physical condition but then he realized that Lily might be trying to protect Sirius from him. Of course, he was the bad one, the dangerous death eater-

_Don't be ridiculous. I'm just trying to defuse your mess._

Regulus ignored Lily's voice in his head in favour of his brother who was apparently loosing his marbles right now .

"Reg??? Oh he's Reg now?! Lily, he called you a mudblood when we were in school. ", Sirius reminded her and Regulus felt his chest grow tight and his face burn with shame.

He had apologized to Lily, he had done it hundreds of times and she said that she had forgiven him but when he looked to her he was still afraid that she'd change her mind now that she was alive and reminded of this circumstance.

"What's a mudblood? ", Harry suddenly asked, he was peaking into the kitchen through the doorframe, clearly alarmed by the crazed screaming man that just turned up but still curious in spite of it.

"Nothing Harry.", Lily smiled at her son, her expression softening almost immediately. Even Sirius seemed stunned for a moment when he saw the boy. "Remus, could you-?", She asked, looking to Lupin who was still staring at Sirius like he couldn't quite believe that he was here. He needed a second to tear his eyes off of Sirius and focus his attention on Harry. Once he did he tried to usher the boy outside.

"Yeah, come on, Harry. I'll show you more magic- in the living room. ", He stuttered.

Harry pulled his eyebrows into a frown. "But I want to know what a mudblood is.", He complained and a slightly dismayed expression crossed Lupin's face.

"I'll explain it to you. In the living room.",he insisted, finally getting Harry to follow him outside.

They waited until Harry was out of ear shot and then James was the first one to speak. "Death changes people.", He stated and Sirius let out a bitter cackling laugh. It made Regulus' skin crawl.

"That's what you're gonna go with?! Take a look at his bloody arm! He's one of them!", Sirius argued and Regulus instinctively reached for his arm where he still wore the dark mark.

But he didn't cower before Sirius, he couldn't. Instead he lashed out as well. "I'm not the one that got send to Azkaban for working for the Dark Lord.", He sneered and the look on Sirius face turned hateful and a second later he was charging at Regulus, only held back by James.

"You fucking cunt!", Sirius screamed and Regulus rolled with his eyes.

 _Are you kidding me?! What exactly is your end goal right now?!_ Lily stared at him, looking pretty pissed off but Regulus could only shrug. He didn't know why he was being so nasty. He could see that it was anything but helpful.

"Regulus is the reason we're back, and he has valuable information that we need to ensure everyone's safety. Will you just hear him out please?", James tried to calm Sirius down, still holding him back.

Sirius finally stopped struggling against him but he still didn't leave Regulus out of his sight, glaring at him like he was the scum of the earth. Regulus knew that he deserved it.

"Death changes people, huh? Are you really changed? ", Sirius asked, his tone mocking.

"Would you believe me if I said yes.",Regulus asked, already knowing the answer. His brother was stubborn, always had been.

"No.", Sirius replied, shaking his head and Regulus hated how much it hurt to hear that. It made him feel weak and childish. Why would he care for the love of his brother? Why would he waste his mind on such trivial matters?

"That sounded different when you were crying after hearing about my death.",he shot back and he knew that this would cut Sirius deep. Because he had seen him. He had watched his brother mourn his death. He had felt his sorrow, his guilt, but also the shame of missing someone as rotten as Regulus. Sirius had punished hinself for loving Regulus as much as Regulus did for loving Sirius. They were the same in that matter. He knew that mocking Sirius for that kind of weakness would get a reaction out of him.

This time James wasn't quick enough to hold him back and Lily couldn't stop him either when Sirius launched himself at Regulus, ramming his fist into his face. The pain was sharp and searing hot, his first connected with Regulus face over and over again until something cracked. At some point they fell and Sirius was on top of him. Regulus, in a ridiculous moment of clarity, thought about how light Sirius was, just skin and bones.

He didn't fight him, he didn't defend himself, or scream, he just stared up at his brother as he beat down on him again and again. The pain was pleasant, it ment that he was alive. Regulus had felt dead long before his heart had stopped beating.

He laughed, it was a wet gurgling sound, maybe because blood from his broken nose was filling his mouth. Sirius only became more enraged by that and Regulus remembered thinking. _Yes, do it, punish me, I've waited a long time for my reckoning._

"Sirius! Stop it!", Lily screamed somewhere and Regulus yelled in his head that she should leave him to it. But she wouldn't listen and eventually James and her managed to pull Sirius off of him, who was surprisingly strong in spite of the awful state of his body

 _Why are you being like this!? Do you have a death wish?!_ Lily came to his side, pulling him up and looking horrified. He left her question unanswered. Regulus could taste blood on his tongue, his face felt like one giant open wound, he was on fire and it was exhilarating.

"So what was it, huh? What got you killed in the end? I always wondered. Did you get in too deep and chickened out, you spineless, cowardly-", Sirius snarled, still getting held back by James.

"He sacrificed his life.", James defended him and Regulus enjoyed the shock and surprise on his brother's face, but only for a second.

"What?", Sirius breathed out, stopping his struggling but this time James knew better and didn't let go of him.

"Shut up James!", Regulus warned, because as much as he wanted to prove his brother wrong, he knew that Sirius would never forgive him, so trying to convince him otherwise only felt pathetic.

"Regulus found out about-", Lily started to explain but Regulus cut her off.

"I said, shut up!", He stated sharply but Lily never took his bullshit, she wouldn't start now.

"No! Why do you insist on keeping the greatest thing you did a secret?!", She argued and now Sirius seemed properly confused.

"What did you do- what?", He stammered.

_It's pointless, he'll only think that I'm trying to justify my actions. He won't care._

_You know very little about your brother, Reg._

"He found out about Voldemort's secret plan to ensure his immortality. He made something called a horcrux. It's an object that you embed a split piece of your soul into. Regulus found it and sacrificed himself to make sure that someone might manage to destroy it one day.", Lily explained, going against Regulus' pleading.

Sirius first looked baffled, then shocked. "Why- why didn't you ask for help- why?", He finally asked, his voice much quieter now, his voice cracking slightly.

Regulus laughed, it was a bitter and rattling sound, all wrong like everything about him. "Because I would've been so goddamn welcome, right? Just like right now? ", He asked and finally, Sirius was stunned into silence.

Regulus didn't feel good about it, he didn't feel anything, or maybe he just couldn't let himself feel anything. He needed to go. That's what he felt. He felt like the air was too thin in here and that he couldn't breath and that he had to get out. "I'm going for a walk. I'll let you arrive properly.", He stated, pulling himself free from Lily and walking over to the backdoor in the kitchen that led outside.

 _Regulus-_ Lily called after him in his mind but he just held out his hand, keeping her distant.

 _Don't- just leave me alone for a bit._ He pleaded as he stepped outside and slammed the door shut behind him.

The first thing that he thought was that it was November and that he was barefoot and only dressed in a sweater and slacks. Going back in didn't seem like an option and he didn't even think to use a heating spell. He just started to walk.

The Potter manor was in the middle of nowhere with a beautiful plot of land around it. Endless hills of grass surrounded it and a forest was nearby, too. Regulus didn't pay attention to any of it, he just moved, ignoring his freezing feet, his trembling body, the hot blood running down his battered face. It all just made him feel more real, more alive. The cutting cold, the pounding in his chest, the aching of his entire form. He was alive, alive, alive, more than ever before perhaps. And he deserved it. The pain, the agony, the mistrust, all of it. A twisted part of him had yearned for it, for punishment.

He walked until he couldn't anymore and then he let himself fall to the ground. The grass was long dead, the ground hard and cold like steel. He looked to the sky, the merciless gray of it, like Sirius' eyes, like his own.

He didn't know why he was the way he was, or he did, he just didn't know how to fix it.

Regulus had always been _less_. _Less_ in every way. He wasn't as talented, as sharp, as brutal, as brave, as good or evil or strong or lovable. Sirius had always been _more_ , he had always been too much for his own good.

Still, even after Sirius was gone, even after it was only Regulus, he always knew that people were comparing them, and he knew that he'd always come up short. No matter how obedient, how well behaved, how respectable he was. He'd always be the second choice. The consolation price.

In retrospect it didn't matter much. Now he knew that what he had strived all his wasted life for was a lie, nothing but injustice and monstrosity. He knew that Sirius had been right to leave, right to isolate himself, right to rebel.

And he knew that only he himself was at fault for not doing the same, for not being strong and brave enough to follow him. But he had been forced to despise Sirius for so long, it was hard to stop, even if it all was just an act from the beginning.

Regulus tried to conceive how things would go on from now. Would they be able to work together in spite of all the bad blood, would the Potters choose sides if they couldn't? Would he be alone all over again? Regulus would rather have Sirius tear him limb from limb than be alone again. He'd try to tell him that when he saw him next. He'd try to control his bitter heart and explain to Sirius that he didn't want his forgiveness, that he wanted his anger and fury, he wanted his worst, he'd take every punishment his brother could come up with if it ment that he could stay.

~

"What are all his scars about?", Sirius asked. He didn't know how much time had passed since Regulus left. Time had become meaningless and unreliable to him.

All he knew was that James and Lily had used his shock as an opportunity to get him into their bathroom.

"You still must be freezing, mate, we should get you a hot bath.", James had said, or it was something along those lines. Sirius had only nodded numbly.

He couldn't move by himself, his brain seemed to have completely disconnected from his body. James and Lily ended up undressing him, Sirius had unlearned shame a long time ago. There was no privacy in prison. All he could do was stare at his fists, covered in Regulus' blood.

Regulus who Sirius used to protect from the painful fists of their father. Regulus who had been the only reason Sirius stayed at home as long as he did. Regulus who died before he even got the chance to be a real adult.

Sirius had mourned him and he had hated himself for it.

James helped Sirius into the warm tub. The temperature of the water was just right and Sirius melted into the heat but it still couldn't reach far enough. His mind was still frozen, replaying the image of Regulus' laughing face under his bloody fists. He felt sick.

"Regulus... drowned in a lake of Inferi, when we came back we woke up in our bodies and his was still in that lake. It was apparently a bit of a hassle to get out of there.", Lily explained, she had knelt down next to the tub and was starting to wash Sirius now, gently scrubbing a sponge over his filthy skin. Sirius wasn't aware enough to be embarrassed.

"Do you really trust him?", He asked, looking to James. It was so absurd to him. His best mates having an alliance with his brother.

"Yes, we do, with our lives.", James nodded, not leaving a shadow of a doubt that he ment it.

"Don't get me wrong, we already learned to trusted him behind the veil or else we wouldn't have taken him with us but when we crossed the veil, something happened. Our souls... They sort of melted together and while we're still our own people, we're all sort of connected now. ", he continued to explain when he noticed how unconvinced Sirius still was.

"Connected how?", He asked, raising an eyebrow. That didn't sound good at all.

James looked a little embarrassed at that, rubbing the back of his head with his hand.

"I can feel Regulus' body, his heart beat, his breathing, his pain, like it's my own and vice versa. But it's a little faded, like an echo. For example, he's pretty fucking cold right now, also, you still pack a mean punch, mate. I can also feel Lily's emotions and she can feel mine.", He explained and he sounded so relaxed, so nonchalant about it that it threw Sirius for a loop.

"And I can hear Regulus... in my head.", Lily added, stopping what she was doing to explain herself.

"What?!"

"We have a telepathic link. I can hear his thoughts and he hears mine. ", Lily explained, seeming just as unbothered by that as James was. "It's like we're one person that got split in three and now we share heart, body and mind. ", She added. "You can trust us that he's trustworthy. "

Sirius didn't say anything for a while after that. He just let Lily and James take care of him while his thoughts wandered far off. It had been so long since anyone has touched him with care, he wanted to weep at how pleasant it was.

After the bath and after Lily spend half an hour and an entire bottle of conditioner on untangling Sirius' hair, Sirius found himself seated in the kitchen, dressed in Fleamont Potter's old clothes because they only had the things that were in the house.

Lily had made tea and sandwiches that she ordered Sirius, Remus and Harry to eat. Sirius didn't look at Remus, he was too far gone anyways, he wasn't sure if he could handle another emotional escalation right now. Neither of them talked. The silence was filled by Lily, chatting to Harry.

The boy was strange, quieter that Sirius had imagined him to be, and smaller. He looked way to serious for an 8 year old. And he watched them all like he was bracing himself for something to go wrong. Sirius once again wondered what had happened to Harry in their absence.

After dinner Sirius stood up, feeling slightly human for the first time in years.   
"I'm gonna go talk to him. ", He announced and by the look on Lily's face she knew who he ment. She exchanged a look with James.

"We don't think-", James started but Sirius wouldn't let him finish.

"I'm not going to beat him up, I promise.", He stated and James raised an eyebrow at him. He thought that he'd have to fight them on this but they still seemed to trust him to make his own decisions.

"We'll you're not going out like that. We just warmed you up. ", Lily argued. So Sirius got dressed in Fleamont's old winter clothes, enveloping himself in the familiar smell of home, and then he made his way outside.

It didn't take him long to find his brother, he just followed the smell of blood until he found Regulus laying on the side of one of the hills surrounding the estate. He was pale and completely motionless, his eyes closed, his face smeared in blood that he hadn't even attempted to wipe away.

For a moment Sirius caught himself thinking that he looked dead. He immediately felt sick.

He wasn't sure why he wanted to talk to Regulus. He hadn't come out here with a plan, he just knew that he needed talk. And also that it was getting dark and that Regulus had spend way too much time out here in the cold.

"You'll freeze to death here. ", Sirius announced, making his presence known

Regulus didn't flinch, didn't open his eyes, didn't move an inch. Like he had known that Sirius was there all this time, maybe Lily had warned him.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?", Regulus asked, eyes shut, his voice sounding hoarse but still with an edge of sarcasm. "If you want to continue where we left off I'm already in position. Go on then.", He added and for some reason Sirius couldn't detect any sarcasm there. Like he was serious, like he would just lay there and take it. But then again, hadn't he done exactly that when Sirius attacked him earlier? Hadn't he done the same when they were little. Take every cruel punishment their parents dished out because he always thought that he deserved it.

"I'm not here to fight you. ", Sirius replied, fully aware that that wasn't very believable when Regulus face was the way it was because of Sirius.

"Oh really?", Regulus asked, the sarcasm back in his voice.

"I want to talk to you.", Sirius claimed, even though he had no idea how to do that.

Regulus finally opened his eyes and propped himself up on his elbows, looking at Sirius with a sceptical expression on his face. "You know that we're both bad at that. ", He then pointed out and Sirius did know that but he also knew that they couldn't just leave things as they were right now, so he dropped to the ground, sitting down across from his brother. The ground was hard and cold and Sirius wondered how long Regulus had been laying there.

His brother sat up reluctantly, pulling his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, propping his head up on his knees. He always used to do that when he was afraid, he made himself as small as possible. Sirius was suddenly stricken with how young Regulus was. He used to be a year younger than him, now there was a decade seperating them.

Regulus was the first one to break their silence, when he spoke all the bitter edges had left his voice. He sounded tired. "Okay fine. I get it. You don't trust me, you think I'm awful and the scum of the earth, I get it. You're not wrong. But I am really here to help. I do care. And I am going to stay until we are able to make sure that the Dark Lord never returns. ", He explained, diverting his eyes and looking to the ground. It's like he couldn't face Sirius for this next bit. "Now... If there's anything you want me to do to help you bear my presence, I'll do it. I don't care what it is, as long as you don't ask me to leave. ", He went on and Sirius wasn't sure why but something about this really rubbed him the wrong way.

"What do you mean?", He asked, hoping that Regulus wasn't saying what he thought he was.

His brother rolled with his eyes before their gazes met again. His face was unreadable, Regulus had always been better at controling himself. "Don't act stupid. You know what I mean. ", He stated.

"I don't.", Sirius returned, shaking his head.

Regulus pulled a face, which was very unlike him, it actually reminded him a bit of Lily when she was annoyed or frustrated. He glued his eyes to the ground before speaking again. "You get to choose my punishment.", He mumbled and Sirius felt cold all over.

"What?!", He hissed.

Regulus looked up at him, his eyes big and empty, the little boy Sirius grew up protecting was gone. So was the death eater he fought, he didn't know the man that was left. He felt like he was looking at a stranger.

"I was bad, worse than bad, I was evil. I did horrendous things for all the wrong reasons. I desevere to be punished and I want you to do it. So whatever it is, I don't care.", Regulus explained and it made Sirius sick. He was so calm, so controlled. Had he always been like this? Had Sirius just not noticed?

"I don't want to punish you.", He insisted, his voice thick all of a sudden.

"Sure. ", Regulus returned, this one word dripping with sarcasm and Sirius realized with a shock that Regulus did not only believe that he deserved punishment, but that Sirius would enjoy hurting him.

"No, Regulus, this is insane, I'm not going to be your prosecutor. ", He refused, his voice was shaking, he didn't know if it was from the cold or the panic that Regulus' behaviour activated in him.

Regulus unwrapped his arms and unfolded himself, getting up and gesturing for Sirius to do the same impatiently. Once Sirius got to his feet Regulus folded his hands behind his back and looked to Sirius expectantly.

"Punch me.", He then ordered and Sirius' didn't understand what was wrong with him. It made his skin crawl, how Regulus looked to him, obediently awaiting pain.  
"I said punch me. I know you want to.", He added and Sirius couldn't argue with him. Not because he was right, no. Sirius was simply speechless. "Just do it! Hurt me! I deserve it, I want you to hurt me!"

He went on, becoming more and more impatient but all that Sirius could think about was what had happened to his brother to make him that way. He hadn't been like this. Sure, Regulus was never one to stand up for himself. But he had never been so fucking masochistic, he had never pleaded for punishment.  
Could 4 years do that? 4 years with their parents and without Sirius. What had they done to him that warped him so drastically?

"Reg-", Sirius gasped out after a long time, still horrified, still in shock.

Regulus only seemed annoyed. He let out a groan, which was also a distinctively un-Regulus-like gesture. He pulled his wand and pressed it into Sirius hand. "Take my wand, hex me, use the cruciatus, I don't care. Just do _something_!", He ordered and Sirius dropped the wand like he had just burned himself.

"I'm not- Regulus!", He gasped out, burying his hands in his hair and pulling at it, trying to focus, trying to make sense of this.

"What?!", His brother snapped at him and his cool exterior started to crumble. He started to shake, just ever so slightly, but Sirius could tell.

"I don't trust you, sure. But- but you're my brother- I'm not going to torture you- I'm not- I can't-",Sirius argued. Surely Regulus could understand that, surely-

"Yes you can-", Regulus spoke through gritted teeth, the trembling becoming worse by the second. His annoyance faded and showed what was underneath. Desperation. Like he needed this, needed the punishment. Sirius wasn't going to give it to him though. Not like this.

"But I won't. You can prove yourself in other ways, less destructive ways. This is so fucked up- Are you crying?!", The last sentence came out as a gasp. Sirius couldn't remember the last time Regulus cried. They had to have been little, because no matter how much it hurt, Regulus didn't cry, he wasn't supposed to. But now he was doing it, silent tears running down his cheeks, carving their way through the blood.

"No-", he choked out. Sirius felt like shattering.

He took a step closer, reaching for his brother's shoulders, he flinched when Sirius touched him but didn't back away, every muscle underneath his skin was tense with anticipation. He was bracing himself for a pain that wouldn't come, not anymore.

"Regulus- this is not the way, okay? You can't just mangle yourself and call it justice. That's not how it fucking works.", Sirius told him, it was always easier to believe when you weren't trying to convince himself.

"I need to pay.", Regulus whispered, looking absolutely miserable.

"And you're gonna do that by helping them. James and Lily. ", Sirius explained, steeling his voice like he was making demands, like he wasn't begging his brother to stop scaring him. "They trust you, god knows why, but I have always trusted them so who knows... "

Regulus let his head drop into his hands, wiping at his eyes desperately. "I'm sorry...you know... I really am.", He whispered, barely audible. Sirius wanted to believe him, he always wanted to believe in his brother, for a long time he couldn't. Maybe this would change now, but he'd need time to tear down the walls he build over the years. He just had to make sure that enough of Regulus was still left once Sirius was ready to let him inside.

"Okay. ", He whispered back, not capable of more for now. _Okay_ would have to be enough. "We should go inside now or I think you'll loose your toes. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius @ Regulus: I hate you!  
> Regulus: Ha! Same! Mood!   
> Sirius: what the f u c k
> 
> ~
> 
> Regulus: hating me is not a personality trait  
> Sirius: ...  
> Regulus: It's a competition  
> Regulus: and I am winning


	6. Caring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the little break I went on, I had exams and stuff but I'm back now with an extra long chapter and there will be a lot more updates because I am doing a challenge where I'm trying to write 50.000 words for this story in 30 days, starting now. 
> 
> So I hope that you continue to enjoy this story and leave some comments! Nothing motivates me more!

Stepping back into warmth after freezing almost made Regulus feel like he was burning. Like he was being set on fire inside out as the feeling returned to his limbs.

Lily and James were waiting for them. Regulus could already feel Lily's mind brush against his anxiously. Regulus couldn't bare to be cared for right now.

"We talked, and look! We didn't kill each other!", Sirius announced and while his words reminded Regulus of how his brother used to act, grand and witty, his tone fell short. His voice cracked, there was weariness in his tone. There was nothing grand about him anymore and it startled Regulus more than he'd like to admit.

Lily crossed the room first, heading for Regulus and he could tell that whatever she bring, it would overwhelm Regulus. So he flinched back. "I'm going into the room.", he stated, distancing himself from them.

"Regulus-", Lily called out, using her people-voice. She sounded desperate. Regulus hated that his behaviour seemed to have any effect on her whatsoever.

"I'm tired.", he mumbled, turning his back on them and heading for the stairs.

_Let me come with you!_

That wasn't her people-voice. It was the voice only Regulus got to hear, the thoughts that felt so familiar in his own head that he could almost mistake them for his own.

 _Let me fix your nose._ Lily asked.

Regulus hovered by the steps, not daring to look back at them. Part of him wanted to keep his nose as it was, broken and bloody. He wanted the pain as a reminder, as a kind of retribution. But Sirius had told him that that wasn't how it worked. That he wouldn't get forgiveness that way.

 _Fine_. He though before continuing to walk up the stairs and he didn't need to check to know that Lily was following him.

When they arrived on the second floor Regulus went straight to the guest room Lily had assigned him today. It was right next to the master bedroom that Lily and James would share. Harry would sleep in James' old bedroom to the left. Regulus realized that one of the doors in this hallway led to a room that used to be Sirius'. A room that would be his once again. Would he be across from Regulus? It had been so long since they shared a space, even longer for Sirius than for Regulus.

Regulus brushed the thought aside before stepping into his room. It was nice, bright, homely, if a bit impersonal. He sat down on the large canopy bed, the bed creaking a little after years of no use.

Lily sat down across from him, pulling her wand. Her eyes turned analytical, a bit of the softness left them, making it easier for Regulus to meet her gaze. Regulus was decent at healing himself. Sirius had taught him the basics when they were little. But Lily had picked up a lot of healing spells during the war, way more than Regulus. Their side hadn't cared much about healing or saving people.

She got to work, vanishing the blood and setting his bones straight, knitting his split open skin back together. It ached and itched but Regulus didn't bat an eyelash. He'd been through worse.

Once Lily was was finished and his face felt painless again the soft expression returned to her eyes and Regulus felt the strong urge to flee but they were already sitting in his room, there was nowhere for him to go.

"So you spoke?", She asked and Regulus didn't have to answer her that question for her to know. "How did it go?", She then asked.

"There wasn't a whole lot of speaking involved.", He replied with a shrug. 

"Screaming?", Lily asked, glancing up at him and Regulus actually had to smirk at that. Lily seemingly had a pretty good grasp on how Regulus usually communicated with his brother but she wasn't right this time.

_No, not really. I just begged my brother to punish me like a pathetic piece of shit._

The thought wasn't really ment for her ears. Regulus still had to get used to the fact that pretty much every thought of his could find it's way into Lily's head.

"Hey!", she exclaimed, seemingly offended, though Regulus couldn't entirely tell on who's behalf.

"That wasn't ment for your ears. ", He stated, apologetic. He was trying to not worry Lily. Apparently he was doing a horrendous job of it.

Suddenly a thought crossed his mind. They hadn't yet checked on what distance their mental link worked and Regulus couldn't always tell when Lily's mind was entangled with his. Was it possible that she heard all of his miserable, self loathing rambling earlier?

"If you don't want me to know you think like that, stop thinking like that.", Lily stated stubbornly, as if it was that easy.

"Could you hear me? Out there?", Regulus asked her. Now he was the one staring at her while she diverted her eyes.

"I wasn't listening. I didn't want to eavesdrop on your big talk.",she replied and Regulus knew that she wasn't telling him the whole truth. Lily couldn't lie to him. Still, he couldn't peer into her head like Lily could into his. He didn't know why Lily had a better grasp on it but it seemed like his thoughts were like a broadcast to her that she could tune into at will. While Regulus only heard what Lily would let him.

"But you want to eavesdrop right now?", He asked her and it wasn't supposed to sound so accusatory but Lily still looked guilty when he said it.

"It's not eavesdropping if I'm part of the conversation.", She mumbled, looking down at her hands before daring to reach out and take one of Regulus' hands into hers. _I just want to know how you're doing, really, and don't say you're fine._ He heard her think as they both stared at their entwined fingers.

This was new, being touched, properly. During his first lifetime touch had never been something comforting to Regulus. Touch wasn't good, it wasn't safe. Behind the veil that changed. Because he met James and Lily. And those two, even when they didn't even have bodies or skin or hands, were all over each other. And soon they were all over Regulus, their spirits and minds brushing against his, reaching out to comfort and cherish. He had gotten used to having them close but this was still new. Lily was warm and soft and _alive_ and Regulus was terrified of her.

"Why does it matter? ", he asked, not taking his hand back. He might be afraid but he also didn't want this to stop.

"Because I care about you.", Lily replied, squeezing his hand and she shuffled even closer to him. Regulus glanced up at her, his grey eyes meeting her green.

 _I don't deserve that._ He didn't have to say it, didn't even properly need to think it. Lily already knew that he believed it.

"Well, I disagree.", She stated, sounding fierce and determined, her eyes staring Regulus down. He couldn't take it. He pulled away, dropped her hand, diverted his eyes.

"You can stop now. ",He told her, trying to sound determined, too, but he didn't quite manage. Instead he just sounded bitter.

"Stop what?", Lily asked, sounding genuinely confused and Regulus wished that he could hear more than her confusion. He wanted to know what she really thought.

"Caring. Keeping me included. ", he spat, feeling frustrated. Again, Regulus didn't know why he was doing this. He didn't want them to leave him, he didn't want this, whatever it was, to stop. But he didn't deserve it and every minute longer that he spend, pretending that this could last, would cause more anguish once it eventually ended. "You don't need me anymore.", He whispered, his voice sounding thick. His eyes started to burn and he couldn't even tell if it was his own tears or if somewhere James was near tears as well. If he started to fucking cry again he'd rip out his tear ducts and solve this problem for good.

A beat of silence followed. Lily didn't say anything, didn't think anything in his direction either. Regulus wished that he could see her face to get some kind of reference for what she was feeling but he also couldn't bring himself to face her.

Eventually Lily decided to obsolve him of the silence. "To be quite honest with you, I don't think that any of us can exist without the others anymore, just physically.", Lily pointed out and Regulus knew that she was right. Knew it with every twin heartbeat he shared with James. He only had this kind of link for a day but he felt it in his bones. The day that James' heart stopped beating, so would his and the day that Lily's mind shut down, his would fade as well.

"Does it bother you? To be tied to me?", He asked her, still not looking. So he didn't see her coming, didn't see her reach out and wrap her arms around his shoulders, lean her head against his shoulder. It was so much all at once. Regulus was holding his breath, going rigid. At least until his body realized that there was no danger, that he could relax. Then he practically melted, sagging against her.

 _Not one bit. Even if we weren't I'd tell you the same thing._ Lily thought, her mind like a soothing blanket on Regulus' prickly thoughts.

"Which is?", He asked weakly. Lily twisted her head slightly until she was able to look Regulus in the eyes. Everything about her was so warm and gentle and _good_ , it made Regulus ache inside.

"Give yourself a chance. You fought for it now grant yourself that.", She said and it sounded like an order. Regulus couldn't help it, he had followed Lily Evans through the burning inferno of the veil. If she wanted him to do something, he'd try.

They stayed like that for a while longer, just sitting by each other side's, their minds mingling. Eventually Lily got up. She was missing her son. Regulus felt guilty for keeping her from him for so long, she reacted with well meaning frustration.

"I'll go downstairs now, try to get some rest. ", She told him once she was already standing in the door and when she left Regulus clung to the fact that he could still feel her presence in his head.

~

Once Regulus and Lily were safely hidden away in Regulus' room, James started to usher Sirius upstairs as well. It had been a long day and Sirius looked like he was dead on his feet. James wasn't surprised. If he had gone through what Sirius had, he would've probably laid down and not gotten up for hours if not days.

"You can have your old room, mate.", James said, leading the way. He knew that his parents hadn't changed anything after Sirius had moved out and after their death James couldn't bare changing anything about the house in general. He hadn't checked it yet but he hoped that Lily had left it the way it was, too.

He opened the door and it was like stepping into the past. The room was decked out in red and gold. There was a canopy bed, a big dark wooden desk, a large closet, a poster of Sirius' favourite Quidditch team Puddlemere United on a wall next to a bunch of photographs, a book shelf loaded with all their school books, Sirius' old muggle literature and the records he decided to leave behind when he moved out. Lily hadn't changed anything.

Sirius froze and James couldn't help but to stare at him. It seemed like that's all he could do now. Stare and stare. A part of him feared that the second he looked away Sirius would shatter. That's how brittle he looked. It was haunting, seeing what his best friend had turned into. James felt like he wasn't the ghost in the room and it ached.

All of it hurt and it was overwhelming him because James had forgotten how much it was to _feel_. To feel things like a human. They still had emotions a spirits, they wouldn't have gotten this far if their feelings hadn't survived theirs deaths. But behind the veil everything was muted, it was softer, gentler, it's like they had been wrapped in bubble wrap. And now the bubbles burst and everything was _sharp_ and _spiked_ and _painful_ again. Even as they stood here James could not only feel his own fear and uncertainty but also Lily's frustration and worry two rooms over and his heart was racing in synch with Regulus' while his face ached where Regulus had gotten injured. It was... _so much..._

"I never thought that I'd be back here. It still feels like a fever dream. Like I'll wake up back in Azkaban and realize that this was all a mirage. ",Sirius whispered. His voice was rough, probably from years of screaming. James regretted that line of thought instantly.

He pushed the thought away, instead opting for reaching out and taking Sirius' hand in his. "Hey, I'm as real as they come. ", He promised him, stepping into his line of sight, squeezing Sirius' hand in his.

Sirius looked at him with such desperation that James couldn't help but divert his eyes. Looking at Sirius _hurt_ , like everything else did. His best friend, who used to be the brightest star in the sky, fiery and vicious and so _goddamn electric_...reminded James of a shadow.

He turned away and pulled Sirius to the bed. They laid down next to each other, both staring up, too scared to look at one another. Their fingers were still intertwined though. James clung to Sirius, a part of him felt the urge to never let go of his brother again.

"I've missed you so much.", Sirius whispered, his voice sounded thick, like he was crying. James felt his own eyes burn as well.

"Right back at you, mate"

"Did it hurt?", Sirius asked after a moment of silence. James started to rub circles over the back of Sirius' hand with his thumb. He couldn't tell if he was trying to sooth Sirius or himself.

"What exactly?"

"Dying. Coming back to life.", Sirius elaborated and James felt his throat close up.

Thinking about death was... A slippery slope. A part of James felt like if he just didn't think about what they had done, then he didn't have to confront how wrong and against nature it had felt. But he couldn't shut down. Not in front of Sirius.

"No- Yes? No to the dying. The death curse is quick, painless. It's like blinking out of existence. The terror before it was much worse, and the seconds after when I was dead and didn't yet know what happened to Lily and Harry. But dying didn't hurt. ", He replied. This had been the easy part. Dying was simple, living was _so fucking hard._

"And coming back?", Sirius continued to probe.

"There's a reason why nobody else has done it yet.", James admitted, his skin crawling as he remembered how it had felt to pass through the veil. Like it was burning all over again.

"How does it feel?", Sirius kept on asking and James wished that he didn't.

"Like an inferno. Like you're stepping into a fiend fire and it's burning away your skin and flesh and bones until nothing is left anymore. You disintegrate. Your soul...it gets burned to smithereens.", He admitted and if felt strange to actually say it. It made it feel more real, not like a weird awful dream he had. "I've never felt agony like this before. I was dead already but I felt like this was the only true form of destruction. I thought that there would be nothing left of me.", he finished and he finally turned his face, looking to Sirius only to find that he was doing the same.

That expression on his face... It was familiar. It made James feel a little safer. Sirius was worrying about him and while James didn't want that either, it felt good to see a recognizable emotion. He could handle worry.

"Why put yourself through that?", Sirius asked, sounding honest to god confused and his stupid question actually startled a smirk out of James.

"Why'd you think, wanker?", James chuckled, pushing his unease away and brushing his head against Sirius'. "For you, for Moony, for Harry. There was too much wrong for us to just leave it like that. Unfortunately we took a little longer to get here than hoped. We didn't want to waste so much time. Lily broke down when she found out how much time has passed.", He explained. James himself was still reeling from how much time they had lost, how much their friends had aged, how much Harry had grown. Every time he started thinking about it too much he felt himself spiraling. Because Remus had spend years alone, Sirius had been tortured for the better part of a decade and _Harry_...

"What's wrong with him?", Sirius asked, as if he was reading James' mind. Sirius might not share their mind melting powers but he always knew what James was thinking. At least that's what he used to be like.

"Do you mean Harry?", James clarified, his voice feeling thin and brittle.

"Yes. ", Sirius nodded. So James told him what had happened. What Dumbledore had done. How he had abandoned his son with people who neglected and abused him, how he never even checked on him, how Harry, his beautiful baby boy, got hurt and locked away. How they had found him, locked up, bruised and terrified.

In the end he was so enraged, all the venom he had held inside spilling from his lips, that he needed a while to calm himself. His heart was racing like crazy, his blood boiling.

He looked to his friend and Sirius looked horrified...and guilty?

"Oh god- I- I left him with Hagrid that night- I thought he'd be safe- I thought-", Sirius started to stammer, shame burning on his face.

"It's not your fault.", James hurried to calm him. "It's Dumbledore's. And the Dursley's. I swear- there's few people I despise as much as them.", He added, the words tasted bitter on his tongue.

"Is he going to be okay?", Sirius asked after a while and James wished that he had the answer.

They had missed so much, there was so much they didn't know, that they would have to uncover step by the step. They were in uncharted territory and every mistake had an impact on their son. For now Harry seemed meek, controlled, too serious for his age, too scared. They had to see, if they could work past that and gain his trust. "I hope so, might take a while, though. I don't know how kids handle stuff like this- I don't really know anything about kids in general. I'm afraid that we missed too much. ", he confessed and Sirius squeezed his hand encouragingly.

"You'll figure it out. You were great parents when he was little, you'll be just as great now...", He stated and he sounded so fucking sure of it... James wished that he could get a slice of that confidences for himself.

"Is Remus with him right now?", Sirius then asked and his tone had gained a weird edge, like he wasn't asking about Harry anymore.

"Yes. Probably doing magic for him. He's thrilled about magic. "

"Has Remus-", Sirius started but then his voice broke off. It was okay. James knew where this was going. He had anticipated it.

"-talked about you?", He finished and Sirius nodded anxiously. "I'm going to be honest with you, I'm a little surprised that you two haven't spoken yet. I would've expected that you both crave that conversation. "

Sirius let out a bitter smirk. "More like dread. I have no clue how to face him.", He admitted. While James could understand his anxieties, he had also watched Remus not only mourn their deaths but also the loss of Sirius even though he hated him. Remus had tried to carve out his love for Sirius, James didn't believe that he had succeeded. He desperately hoped not, he wanted them to have a future, too.

"You should just talk to each other.", James told him and Sirius scoffed. He sounded more like himself when he was like this.

"We're both rubbish at that.", he pointed out.

"Right- you're gonna have to eventually. You'll both be living here for the foreseeable future. ", James warned him and Sirius'eyes grew wide.

"Remus is staying here as well?!"

"Yes of course, he's family!", James insisted and Sirius looked even more anxious.

"I know- I just- I thought he'd have his own life to get back to.", Sirius mumbled, staring up at the ceiling again.

James didn't say what he really thought, it wasn't his place. But he had seen Remus' place, his little life. He had seen how empty it had been. He didn't feel like Remus ever managed to build a life for himself after them.

~

Sirius woke up drenched in sweat, his heart racing and it took him ages to orient himself. Because he wasn't in his cell anymore, he wasn't cold, he wasn't screaming. He woke up and the nightmares ended when he did. He was in his bedroom at Potter-Manor, he was warm, comfortable, safe. Because his friends had come back from the dead, come back for him. Real life felt like the dream.

Still, he couldn't fall back asleep, his nightmare still fresh on his mind. _In his dreams he was alone in the dark, freezing. And he could see James and Lily but they were miles away and they were leaving. They were walking away from him and he couldn't follow because the dark, the void... He was drowning in it-_

Sirius got up, too restless to stay put. He made his way downstairs, every step familiar, even in the dark, even after years.

Sirius hadn't really planned on going to the kitchen. The plan was to turn into Padfoot and run around outside until he tired himself out. A part of him was really excited to run around freely again.

But when he passed the kitchen he saw the dim light of the fridge and stepped inside to check. "Who's there?", He asked into the silence before spotting Harry standing in front of the fridge, drinking straight from a carton of milk.

When the boy heard him he flinched violently, dropping and nearly spilling the milk. Harry stared back at Sirius, the look on his face painfully familiar.

"I didn't take anything!", he exclaimed quickly, frozen in place.

"And how did the milk beard get there then?", Sirius smirked, because the little boy did have a little milk beard on his upper lip. Harry didn't seem to hear the humor in Sirius' voice, only getting more anxious.

"Please don't tell them- I'm sorry- I just- I don't know-", the boy stammered, clearly terrified and cowering away from Sirius like he expected him to lash out at him.

James had warned Sirius that Harry had been abused... badly... But seeing it was so much worse than just hearing about it.

"Hey...hey... It's okay... You did nothing wrong. Everything's okay.", He tried to reassure the boy, holding up his hands in defence.

"I stole food.", Harry stated, sounding like he was suspicious of Sirius. Like he didn't trust his decency.

"No you didn't, you live here, it's your food. ", Sirius pointed out but Harry still didn't move, he just stared at Sirius like a deer caught in headlights.

"Come on, I'll make you a sandwich, sit down. ", Sirius then offered, moving towards the fridge. Harry tracked him with his eyes carefully, but he also started moving. He put down the milk carton and walked over to the kitchen isle where he climbed onto one of the stools.

Even when Sirius turned his back on him to gather whatever ingredients he could find, he could still feel Harry stare at the back of his head. The boy's intense intention was a little unnerving.

Once he found some bread, sausage, lettuce and tomatoes he turned towards the isle and started to assemble the sandwiches there. Harry watched him through all of it, sitting there, perfectly still and silent. 

"Why are you awake?", Sirius asked eventually. The boy looked tired, as tired as an 8-year old could look, his eyes were droopy and his tiny body curled in on itself.

"I wasn't tired.", the boy lied without a second of hesitation. Sirius didn't call him out for now, he didn't want to upset him anymore. "Why are you awake?", Harry then asked, a bit of curiousity sneaking it's way into his tone.

"Because I had a nightmare.", Sirius admitted and Harry seemed surprised by that.

"Really?"

"Yeah, nightmares suck don't they? ", Sirius asked as he cut the tomatoes and Harry nodded solemnly.

"Yeah..."

"Did you have a nightmare, too? It's okay to admit it, you know. ", Sirius told him gently. He really didn't want to imagine what Harry's nightmares looked like. A part of him didn't have to. He remembered how it felt to grow up like this.

"Maybe... ", Harry admitted slowly, the look in his eyes unsure. "But don't tell Lily. I don't want to bother her.", He then quickly added, seeming embarrassed.

"I don't think you could bother your mum, even if you tried.", Sirius told him, hoping that the boy believed him but doubting it.

"What was your nightmare about?", Sirius asked next. Harry didn't reply, he didn't say anything. He just watched Sirius' hands prepare the food in silence. 

"Okay, me first then. My nightmare was about being alone. Nothing more. I don't fancy being lonely, you know?", Sirius went on, hoping that opening up a little would gain him some trust with the boy.

"Being alone is safer, though. ", Harry mumbled, a slight frown forming on his face, and _fuck_ , he was breaking Sirius' heart.

"Not always.", Sirius shook his head. "What about you?", He then tried again.

Harry stayed silent for a while after that. Sirius didn't rush him. He just continued preparing the food until Harry finally said:"I was bad."

His voice was quiet and meek and Sirius thought that he had misheard him for a moment. "What?"

Harry didn't look at him when he spoke, staring into space instead, looking so much older than he was supposed to be. "That's what my nightmare was about. I was being bad, I was doing everything wrong and it doesn't matter that I am trying, I can't be good and everyone is angry and disappointed.", He explained and he sounded dead pan, matter of fact. Somewhere along the line he switched into the present tense and Sirius was pretty certain that that was a neat description of Harry's current anxieties. Sirius felt the urge to go over to the Dursleys house and punch Vernon once more and break his fucking nose all over again. But he couldn't let his anger show, anger signalled danger. So he pushed his rage away.

"Well, I can tell you one thing about nightmares- They're just what we're afraid of, they don't have to be true. This- your fears don't have to be real, not anymore, not with your parents. ", he explained. Harry didn't replied anything to that. He just watched. His big green eyes drilling into Sirius' head, just like his mother. He looked so much like James, too, but he was so little, so meager and starved. It was depressing. "Now eat. You look like you haven't eaten in days.", He said, placing the sandwich in front of the boy.

"You look like you haven't eaten in years-", Harry mumbled before realising what he just said and staring up at Sirius with wide eyes.

By that time Sirius was already laughing uncontrollably. "Bloody hell, touché!", he exclaimed.

"You're not mad?", Harry asked anxiously and Sirius shook his head, still chuckling.

"No. As I said, you're not being bad, nothing to be mad about.", Sirius reassured him and Harry finally started to eat.

"What does touché mean?", He then asked, his cheeks stuffed with bread.

"It means that you've made a point.", Sirius explained, taking a bite out of one of the other sandwiches when they suddenly heard Lily's panicked voice come from upstairs.

"Harry?!", She yelled.

"Someone's missing you.", Sirius told Harry before yelling back:" We're down here!"

Lily came rushing down the stairs, only wearing one of Euphemia's nightgowns, her fiery hair standing up in all directions. She looked panicked until she spotted Harry sitting by the counter, completely fine. Only then did some of the tension leave her body. "Oh god- good- I was just checking on you and you weren't- nevermind.", She stammered, standing in the doorway, a little unsure of herself. At least until she saw the food on the isle. "Are those sandwiches? Can I have one as well?", She asked, finally coming in and joining the two of them.

"Of course, it's your kitchen. ", Sirius told her like he had to tell Harry before. He pushed the plate with the leftover sandwich over to her.

"Still weird. I sort of feel like we're just guests here. ", Lily said, sitting down next to Harry and giving him a wide smile. The boy smiled back shyly before glueing his eyes to his food again.

Lily didn't take her eyes off him, like she was afraid that he'd dissolve if she lost sight of him. Similarly, Sirius couldn't stop staring at her. Just like James, it just struck him how young she was. They had all been much older in his memories, but Lily was barely an adult. Still, she seemed the most in control, even when it came to Regulus, she had a grip on everything.

"Do we live here now?", Harry asked carefully, just verifying what Sirius had told him.

"Yes. This is home now.", Lily nodded, taking a large bite out of her sandwich. "Want to tell me why you're awake?", She then asked, looking from Harry to Sirius. "Both of you. "

"Nightmare, for me at least. ", Sirius replied when Harry didn't. The expression Lily gave him was gentle, caring. She reached out to touch his hand in comfort, she was so soft and warm.

" And you, love?", She then carefully asked Harry. The other boy avoided her eyes, only shrugging uncomfortably. Lily decided to not push him.

"Why were you so angry at Regulus earlier?", Harry suddenly asked, looking up at Sirius and fuck, he hadn't expected that.

Sirius actually needed a moment to formulate a response that was appropriate for a little boy. Lily gave him a warning look as Sirius considered his choice of words carefully. "Oh...uhm... Regulus is my brother, and... And he and I haven't always gotten along. I haven't seen him for a while and I didn't know if he- if we were good now.", He struggled to explain.

"Is Regulus a bad person?", Harry then asked and the question sounded so innocent, so simple when he asked it. Sirius choked on his spit.

"Why would you think that, Harry?", Lily asked softly. No trace of accusation in her voice.

Harry still look anxious when he replied:"Because he said that Regulus called you a Mudblood and Remus explained to me that that's a bad word that bad people use to hurt people like you."

Lily actually looked a little dismayed at that, giving Sirius a questioning look. He shrugged. How the fuck was he supposed to know what to reply to that?

"Regulus used to be bad... ", Lily then started to explain and a deep frown appeared on Harry's face. "But he isn't anymore, he's changed and he tries really hard to be nice now.", She went on and Harry's expression turned thoughtful.

"Like when he made my bruises disappear?", He then asked and something inside Sirius seized painfully.

"Yes exactly, dear.", Lily nodded, covering up her own devastation with a smile.

"Okay, that's good...", Harry nodded, still so incredibly serious and ernest. "I like Regulus. ", he then stated and Sirius didn't know how to feel about that.

"You do?", Lily asked, actually sounding delighted and Harry seemed to pick up on it as well. The boy finally looked at her again as he nodded eagerly.

"I like him, too.", Lily smiled down at him and Sirius wished that it could be that easy for him.

Not long after that Harry started to yawn and his eyelids seemed to get heavier and heavier. "Are you tired, love?", Lily asked and Harry hesitated for a moment before nodding. "Want me to tuck you into bed?", She asked. Another nod. Lily got up and picked her son up like he was still a baby. Harry didn't seem to mind, wrapping his arms around her and burying his head in her shoulder.

"Say goodnight to your uncle Sirius.", Lily asked him and with a tiny voice Harry called out:"Goodnight...",

"Goodnight Harry...", Sirius returned, his voice as soft as he could manage.

Lily smiled at him before leaving, mouthing the words:"Thank you...", Before carrying her boy out of the kitchen and leaving Sirius by himself again.

Honestly, this had been exhausting enough that Sirius could imagine going back to bed as well now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regulus: *cries one (1) time*  
> Regulus: due to recent developments I will be removing my eyes
> 
> ~
> 
> Regulus: I want someone to care about me  
> Lily: *cares*  
> Regulus: *frantically running away* not liKE THAT
> 
> ~
> 
> Sirius: how was death?  
> James: *spirals into an existential crisis*  
> James: not Bad, Not Bad
> 
> ~
> 
> Sirius: Who are you?  
> Harry: I'm you but with better self preservation skills


	7. The agenda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Chapter! I hope you enjoy this one and I promise that there's gonna be more Harry content in the next one.

The next morning they all ate breakfast together, and bloody hell, was it awkward.

Sirius didn't know who's gaze he was avoiding more, Regulus' or Remus'. Remus was practically a ghost, not speaking a word. Regulus only communicated with Lily through their mental link and occasionally Harry when the boy asked him something in particular.

In general Harry didn't speak much either, mostly eating in silence and slinging down food like he was afraid they'd take it away from him. James and Lily seemed to be the only ones still capable of leading normal conversations but even that got difficult when the rest of their company wasn't all that eager to participate.

In the end they just spoke between each other, every once in a while trying to tie in one of the others with very limited success.

Sometime during the whole awkward ordeal an owl scratched the kitchen window, bringing the daily prophet. James got up to get the paper and pay the owl.

Conversation practically came to a standstill while James was reading. Sirius glanced over at him every once in a while, checking out the articles. The front page read _**POTTERS BACK FROM THE DEAD!**_

Underneath the headline was an older picture of James and Lily, from before they died. And then there was a second picture of James and Regulus, that must've been taken at the ministry.

James read through the article with a frown that got deeper and deeper by the second. "Yikes, I suppose we're celebrities now.", he mumbled under his breath.

"Now?", Remus surprisingly spoke up. "You might be unaware but you did gain somewhat of a legendary status during your absence.", he explained. _Absence._ That's what they were calling it now.

"Put that away.", Lily complained before returning her attention to Harry, offering him another sandwich that the boy gladly accepted.

James did as he was told, folding the paper and putting it down. He then threw a questioning look at everyone else around the table. "So, what's on the agenda for today?", He asked, like he was awaiting input from them.

In the end Lily started calling the shots again. "We need some stuff, more clothes for all of us, more food, things like that. But I don't think that it's a good idea for us to go to Diagon Alley. Maybe we can order it all via owl?"

"I could go and shop for you.", Remus suddenly volunteered, apparently desperate to get out of here and have something to do.

"Are you sure?", Lily asked, seeming weary of the idea.

"Yeah, people don't really care about me, you're the ones they're interested in. I'm sure that I can do some shopping real quick.", Remus explained looking from Lily to James like he was asking their permission.

"Great! I'll give you the key to our vault. They gave it to me yesterday when we were done at the ministry. ", James nodded enthusiastic as always before getting back to his breakfast.

"And I'll write you a list... There's also some books I wanted to check out that we don't have here...", Lily added before conjuring a writing block and starting to scribble down notes.

"Can I come?", A voice asked and Sirius needed a second to realize that it had been his own. Sirius wasn't sure why he asked that, it wasn't like he was looking forward to alone time with Remus. But he also couldn't wait to go out into the wizarding world again. He just wanted to have the certainty that he wasn't a prisoner anymore, that he was allowed to leave and move around freely.

"Sirius, I don't think-", James started before hesitating. He reached for the prophet and let it unfold until the article underneath the main headline was visible.

_**SIRIUS** _ _**BLACK INNOCENT!** _

Underneath was the picture that was taken at his arrest. Sirius winced. "You're all over the paper as well.", James pointed out apologetically.

"Yeah, we'd disguise me obviously. I just- I need a new wand anyways. Mine got snapped. I have to pop by Ollivanders eventually.", He then explained, hoping that that would be convincing enough. Lily and James exchanged a look before both glancing at Remus who seemed entirely focused on the cup of tea in his hands. _Ahh_ _... so that's what this was about._

"Unless... You don't want me to join you?", Sirius now asked, addressing Remus directly.

He hadn't looked at Remus properly yet. To be honest, he had been avoiding it. Now Sirius watched Remus and Remus pretended not to notice. He was thin, which he always had been but there was something gaunt about him now, something sickly looking. There were more scars on his face than when they used to be young, and more lines, too. His hair still had the same sandy color and was still just as wavy, his eyes just as sharp.

Sirius wanted to get up and get closer, he wanted to feel the heat of Remus' body against his, he wanted to feel real for a second. But he knew he wasn't allowed. So he just waited and watched.

"No, it's totally okay with me. ", Remus mumbled, sounding anything but okay. He still wouldn't look at Sirius. Would it always be like this now?

"Great, then it's decided. What are you gonna be up to today?", Sirius asked, tearing his eyes away from Remus and facing the rest of the table again.

"Harry and I will take on cleaning the rest of the house today and explore the surrounding land.",Lily claimed before glancing over at Harry. Harry seemed to eat less when you watched him so they all tried to interrupt him as little as possible. "Is that okay with you, love?"

Harry didn't look up and didn't say anything either, just nodding along. Lily seemed to accept that she wouldn't get much more from him and didn't dig any further.

"And you?", Sirius then asked, turning to James and Regulus. The two exchanged a look and even though they didn't have telepathy as far as Sirius could tell, it still seemed like they understood each other silently. Sirius didn't know what to think about this. Regulus, the boy who had stopped being his brother ages ago, and James, the man that had taken his place. Sirius didn't want to be jealous but seeing them so close... He couldn't help it.

"Later.", James eventually said, glancing over at Harry with a meaningful look. Whatever they were planning, they didn't want to discuss it in front of Harry. So they waited until the boy was finished and him and Lily left to go explore the rest of the estate. Once the door to the kitchen closed behind them James' expression became more serious, he leaned forward in preparation to explain their plan.

"We are going to get the first Horcrux we know of today.", he stated.

"The one you found?", Remus asked, pointing at Regulus. Sirius still hadn't fully processed that his little brother had sacrificed his life for the destruction of Voldemort... and Sirius hadn't even known about it.

"Yes. It's the locket of Salazar Slytherin.", Regulus nodded, keeping his eyes glued to his cup of tea.

"And where is that locket right now?",Sirius asked. Hopefully not hidden somewhere else where they'd have to put themselves in mortal danger to retrieve it.

Regulus glanced up at him for a moment, almost anxiously, before replying:"If it's not destroyed yet, which I doubt, it's with Kreacher."

"Kreacher?! Why is it with the house elf?!", Sirius asked, completely baffled. A piece of Voldemort's fucking soul and Regulus left it with their bloody house-elf?

The trace of nervousness that Sirius had just seen on his brothers face was gone. Contempt had taken it's place as Regulus focused sharp eyes on Sirius. "Because he's the one that led me to it and I gave it to him before I died. It's not like anyone else was around.", he snapped. Sirius felt just the slightest pang of guilt at the thought of his brother being so alone that when he walked into his death he had nobody to tell besides his house-elf. But it wasn't enough to stop him from protesting.

"What if he told someone about it? What if mother got it in her hands-", he started to argue.

"I told him that he couldn't tell anyone from the family about it. ", Regulus cut him right off and... Sirius was sort of out of arguements now. If he ordered him to keep it secret Kreacher wouldn't have been physically able to tell anyone, even if he wanted to, even if someone asked.

"Fine. ", Sirius begrudgingly gave in, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Are you sure that you want to bring that thing here? I mean... It's a part of his soul. ", Remus asked, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Trust me, I don't like the idea either but I'd rather know where it is so that I can keep an eye on it. ", James stated before giving Regulus a questioning look. The younger man had acquired a weirdly distant look in his eyes.

"Lily doesn't want it anywhere near Harry.", He then claimed, his eyes focusing on them again.

"Is she listening in right now?", Remus asked, his eyebrows pulled up into a surprised expression. Good to see that Sirius wasn't the only one still grappling with the weird bond those three shared now.

"Lily is always listening in on me.", Regulus shrugged without seeming bothered in the slightest.

"Well, we're gonna have to think of something once we get it.", James simply said.

~

After the breakfast their little group quickly disbanded. James handed Remus the key to the Potter vault and Lily's list as promised and Remus could see Regulus handing over the key to the Black vaults to Sirius as well. Regulus didn't seem to expect a 'thank you' and Sirius didn't give him one, only pocketing the key before approaching James to get his appearance magically changed.

He looked better today than he had last night. It had been awful, looking at him. He was so meager that his grey skin practically hung from his bones. His eyes were sunken in and crazed and everything about him was filthy.

For years Remus thought that he wanted that, that he wanted to see Sirius neglected and cadaverous. He wanted to see evidence that Sirius paid for his sins, that his life was as ruined as Remus'.

But now that he finally did see him, it was with the knowledge that Sirius was innocent, that he had been innocent all this time, these endless years he spend in Azkaban. Remus saw a shadow, a shell of the man who used to mean more than anything else to Remus. The man Remus abandoned.

Today he looked a little better, saner, cleaner, more alive. His skin was still ashy but his hair and clothes were clean, and he seemed less...mad, more lucid than he did yesterday when he had screamed and bashed his brother's head in. But there were still shadows under his eyes. There was look he carried, a glare that Remus had only ever seen in his own kind. The wolf-stare. It happened when you spend too much time as an animal, some of your humanity just got lost. And while Sirius wasn't a werewolf, he was a dog, which seemed close enough. There was something in his eyes that just wasn't quite right, they were sharp, calculating, but also vacant. Remus couldn't help but to avoid his stare. It haunted him.

In the end his long black hair was short and blond, his stubble was gone and his eyes were no longer grey but brown. Dressed in casual blue robes that James had found somewhere in the building and with all his tattoos covered up, Sirius looked almost unrecognisable if you didn't analyze his face too closely.

"Are you okay to side-along?", Remus asked him once they were both ready. Sirius didn't have a wand and the fire places here weren't connected to the flu-network so there wasn't really any other option besides muggle-transport.

Sirius gave him a short nod, taking the arm that Remus was offering him. Feeling his fingers curl around Remus' arm send spark through his skin and Remus tried to ignore that feeling as well as possible. Then, without warning, he apparated.

He took Sirius to the Leaky Cauldron. From there they entered Diagon Alley. As expected everyone was talking about the Potter's return from the dead, it would take a while for that to blow over. Remus and Sirius just both tried to keep their heads down and not attract any attention.

First they went to Gringotts, getting money from both the Potter and the Black vault. That was an easy affair since the goblins didn't concern themselves with wizard news and didn't care to have Sirius Black show up one day after being proven innocent.

After Gringotts they quickly worked off everything that Lily had written down on the list to buy. Enough groceries for all of them, both wizarding robes and muggle clothes for each of them except for Remus and a list of pretty specific literature that was focused around the afterlife, necromancy, communicating with the dead and similar topics (one of the titles was actually sold out which wasn't surprising in light of recent events).

The whole time Sirius and Remus didn't speak more than absolutely necessary. They wouldn't even look at each other for longer than split seconds. It drove Remus nuts but he also couldn't stop doing it, couldn't break the age old silence between them.

Once they were done with the list Remus targeted Ollivander's but Sirius stopped next to Quality Quidditch Supplies. "I- can we stop by here... I wanted to pick something up for Harry real quick.", he asked, which was more words in a row than Remus had heard him say in hours.

"Sure.",Remus nodded before adding:"I'll wait out here."

An unreadable expression crossed Sirius face, Remus' heart twinged. There used to be a time when Remus could read every expression on Sirius' face. He didn't say anything, though. He just turned around and disappeared inside the store.

20 minutes later he came back out again with a long package that was obviously a broom and Remus felt the urge to smirk. Of course Sirius would want to get Harry playing Quidditch as soon as possible. He had send the boy a toy broom when he could barely walk so that wasn't a surprise to anyone. But Remus didn't smirk and he didn't say anything either. Because he couldn't be like that with Sirius, not anymore.

Instead he just asked:"Ollivander's now?"

"Mhmm...", Sirius hummed, walking past Remus, gluing his eyes to the ground.

Together they entered Ollivander's. Inside it was dim and dusty like Remus remembered. He wondered if this store had ever been clean and fresh or if the stuffy atmosphere had always gone hand in hand with the establishment.

The two men just stood in the foyer of the store, waiting. They knew that the door bell must've alerted Ollivander and the old wandmaker would show up any second between two of the countless stacks of boxes in the back of the shop. Surely enough an old man soon appeared before them, his wide, pale eyes shining eerily. "Mr Lupin! What brings you into my store today? Not to get a new wand, I suppose?", The older man greeted him with a wide smile.

"No, mine is all good. ", Remus nodded politely before presenting his wand.

Recognition shone in the other man's eyes as he inspected Remus' wand. "Ahhh... Yes... 10 1/4 inches... Unicorn hair and cypress wood. Pliable. A good wand for a good wizard.", He nodded. The man never seemed to forget a wand he created. "Why else are you here?", He then asked, already eyeing Sirius who stood behind Remus.

"My...", Remus started before his voice broke off, he was unsure what to call Sirius now. "-friend needs a new wand.",he finally claimed but he had already lost Ollivander's interest. The older man was approaching Sirius now.

"And who might your friend be?", He asked and it was quite obvious that he wasn't actually asking because as soon as Sirius opened his mouth to reply, Ollivander did it for him. "Sirius Black... 13 inch, elder wood and dragon heartstring... A powerful yet loyal wand. A shame really...", He mused, sounding genuinely stricken when he spoke of Sirius' snapped wand.

"How did you recognize me?", Sirius asked, seeming surprised but not entirely unpleasantly so.

"I've been awaiting you. Granted, I did not expect you quite so soon. Now let's see what we can find for you. ",the other man claimed and with a wave of his wand a measuring tape came flying out. Sirius seemed mildly amused with the familiar procedure of the flying tape whizzing around, taking all sorts of bizarre measurements while Ollivander hopped around his store, looking for the perfect wand.

Once the tape had everything it needed, it took seven attempts to find a fitting wand for Sirius. Most of the wands barely showed any reaction to him at all, while two of them all but exploded as soon as he tried to use them.

The last wand Sirius tried seemed to be made from the same wood as Remus' but it was a lot longer. As soon as Sirius touched it, warm red sparks started flying and a smile, so fucking familiar that it made Remus' heart ache, spread on the other man's lips.

"Cypress with a Core of Horned Serpent Horn, 14 inches.", Ollivander announced with a pleased smile. "The horned serpent is an incredibly rare core and only lends itself to the most heroic wizards... Who strive to serve others...", he then added and a strange expression crossed Sirius' face.

"I don't know about that...", he mumbled under his breath but Ollivander wouldn't accept any doubts.

"The to wand chooses the wizard Mr Black... That's all I'm going to say to that...", he claimed knowingly and Sirius didn't try to dispute him on that. He simply paid for the wand and then they were done.

They made their way back to the Leaky Cauldron and only once they reached the back alley of the pub did they stop.

Remus realized that this might be the last time for a while where they were completely alone, so he gathered all his courage and instead of going back into the Leaky Cauldron, he spoke. "How does it feel?", He asked, pointing at the wand Sirius was still twirling between his fingers.

"Like being electrified... But in a good way...", he replied, a pleasant smile on his lips. A moment later he seemed to remember who he was talking to and his smile dropped as he glanced up at Remus. For a moment they just stood there, staring at each other, years and years of pain between them, separating them like a boulder.

"Sirius?", Remus eventually started to ask but at the same time Sirius decided to speak up as well.

"Can we-", he tried before they both shut up again. "You first.", Sirius eventually told him, looking back at the ground now. Remus was scrambling for words, trying to explain the inexplicable.

"Sirius- I am- I don't know how to apologize- I don't know how to talk to you at all- I mean- I abandoned you- for 7 years-", he eventually just started to rambled, the words just tumbling out of his mouth. It weren't the right ones. Remus didn't know if there was anything right that he could say. Everything felt inadequate.

"Was it because I'm a Black?", Sirius asked with this tone that Remus couldn't decipher and he still wouldn't fucking look at him.

"No- not at all!", Remus exclaimed because that really wasn't it. It might be what everyone else thought afterwards. What they all said. _Apple doesn't fall far from the tree._ He knew how hard Sirius had fought to shake his family name. It wasn't the reason why Remus had believed them. "It's- I didn't believe it at first. I couldn't- I tried to get a trial for you because I didn't think that it was possible- but-"

"But?", Sirius asked sharply, his eyes finally finding Remus'. He was staring him down.

But Remus had seen signs, signs he had dismissed at the time that later got re-contextualised with the knowledge of the circumstances of James and Lily's deaths. Sirius got distant in the months leading up to that night, he got colder, harsher. At the time Remus just felt like the war was wearing him down, like all of them. Playful discussions turned to arguments, arguments to fights, fights to screaming and screaming... Screaming turned to silence.

Remus could still remember one of their last arguments. Remus had just returned from a mission with the werewolf pack Dumbledore had him work with and he had been miserable and angry and out for a fight. His mouth had tasted of cheap liquor and cigarette smoke and Sirius looked at him like... Like he didn't know him. He didn't kiss him, didn't try to tend his new scars, didn't try to make him feel better. Because they were both bombs and they were burning to set each other off. And Remus hated him a little in that moment, because something had happened, something had gone wrong and now they weren't _Sirius and Remus_ anymore and Remus didn't know how to fix it so his fragile mind decided to wreck it even more instead.

"You've changed-", he had said, his voice bitter and ugly and Sirius laughed. He laughed and it was cruel and Remus felt like he was looking at a fucking stranger.

"I'm the one that's changed?! That's fucking rich coming from you!", Sirius had spat and something in Remus had broken that night.

"But all the evidence pointed towards it. You told me that you were their secret keeper. You let everyone believe it.", Remus tried to explain. "And in the weeks before- you got distant- you wouldn't talk to me- you pushed me away. We all knew that there was a spy and-", suddenly Remus voice broke off as a thought creeped it's way into his head. A though that made more and more sense the longer Remus thought about it and it shook him to his core.

They had all known that there was a spy. Now they knew that it was Peter but at the time... Everyone was suspecting everyone. And Remus... He didn't want to admit it at the time but Sirius' behaviour made him a suspect in Remus' mind. It's how Remus had explained Sirius' distance to himself. But if Sirius hadn't been the traitor, and hadn't behaved the way he had because of that, that ment...

"Remus?", Sirius asked, but Remus couldn't reply, his mind still running a mile a minute.

Why make Peter the secret keeper? Sure, none of them suspected him to be a traitor, he had always seemed incredibly loyal... But he shouldn't have been the first choice. Peter wasn't the guy you asked to take your secret to his grave, even if you trusted him. Remus... Remus should've been the second choice after Sirius... And they hadn't asked him- hadn't even told him that they had switched, because-

"Remus. What's wrong?", Sirius asked, concern in his voice.

Remus focused on him again. "You thought it was me.",he whispered, the words tasting bitter on his tongue.

A stricken expression crossed his face but Remus didn't care. He needed the truth, finally. "Remus-", Sirius started and he was already sounding apologetic. Remus couldn't take it.

"No. I'm right, aren't I? We all thought there was a spy and if it wasn't you, the only reason to make Peter secret keeper and not even tell me is- is that you thought that I was the spy.", Remus explained and he desperately hoped that he was wrong.

Sirius didn't say anything, he just stared and it was breaking Remus' heart all over again because he wasn't even denying it. "Tell me I'm wrong... I'm begging you...", he tried again.

Sirius looked at him with goddamn pity in his eyes. And then he shook his head and Remus hated himself for ever asking. "I'm sorry..."

"Thought so... ", Remus nodded and he couldn't hold back the bitterness in his tone. "Then tell me... Was it because I'm a werewolf?", he asked and he wasn't sure why he was doing this to himself. Because he knew the answer, he had always known it, and still he needed Sirius to prove him right, to tell him what he had known all along.

"Moony-", Sirius started and he sounded so fucking sorry. It made Remus sick. _So that's how it was._

"Don't call me that!",Remus snapped and Sirius flinched back in shock but the expression on his face was still so fucking pitiful. And maybe Remus had no right to be mad, maybe he was being pathetic and whiny but he had believed that Sirius was the spy because all evidence, including all the things Sirius had told Remus himself, had pointed towards it. Sirius had believed that Remus was a traitor because he was a monster and it was in his nature. It's what everyone else had always seen... So why would Sirius be any different?

"I think we should get back to the house now.",Remus mumbled and without asking for permission he grabbed his bags and disapparated by himself. Sirius had a wand now and knew where they were going.

Sirius didn't need Remus anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The marauders + Regulus: *having very serious conversations about Horcruxes*  
> Lily: I need to check in on my babies through my baby monitor  
> Regulus: I'm the baby monitor  
> Lily: And also one of the babies 
> 
> ~
> 
> Remus: did u believe that I was the spy?  
> Sirius:...  
> Remus: how dare you accuse me of the thing I accused you of for years  
> Sirius:...  
> Remus: Smells like racism


	8. Sons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the first time I'm writing from the POV of a child so I don't really know what I'm doing but I did want to give a look into Harry's state of mind. Also, I'll warn you that Harry has an unhealthy relationship with food in this story due to food- insecurity growing up with the Dursleys. His food issues get properly displayed in this chapter for the first time

After the men all left Harry was alone with Lily for the day. So far Harry really liked Lily, more than he liked any other adults. Because Lily wasn't like other adults, she was nice and funny and she hadn't gotten mad at him yet or made him do anything that he didn't want. He didn't know how long this would last but so far it was nice.

They spend the day cleaning the rest of the house. Normally Harry didn't like cleaning because aunt Petunia always made him do most of the work and then she got angry when he didn't do it right. But cleaning with Lily was totally different and much much cooler because Lily used magic to clean.

Harry was still amazed that Lily was a witch and that the other men were all wizards. He definitely couldn't believe that he was supposed to be a wizard, too. But every time Lily waved her wand and all the dust in a room disappeared or she said her funny-sounding spells and the furniture started to float, Harry believed it a little more.

So helping Lily clean basically ment that Lily would wave her wand and explain her spells and have Harry guess which spell did what. So far he had learned that _Accio_ made things appear and _Reparo_ repaired them, _Vingardium Leviosa_ made them float and _Scourgify_ made things clean again. Every time Harry guessed correctly Lily would beam at him and sometimes she'd clap her hands and Harry felt like he'd do anything to keep her so happy with him. He wouldn't mess this this up.

After they cleaned all the rooms in the house they climbed up into the attic. Up there it was much dustier than in any of the other rooms and Lily couldn't walk straight because the ceiling was so low but after a few waves of her wand it got much easier to breath again.

Lily crawled over to a stack of boxes and sat down on the floor, starting to unpack them. Harry sat down across from her, watching her carefully. Lily had told him that she was his mum and that James was dad. Harry didn't know how old she was but she looked a little too young to be his mum. His only reference points were aunt Petunia and the other mums of his classmates and they all looked way older than Lily even though their kids and Harry were the same age. Harry still hoped that she really was his mum.

"Look at that!", Lily suddenly exclaimed and Harry returned his attention to her. She was pulling stuff out of one of the boxes with a big smile on her face "Your dad's old toys!"

Harry shuffled a little closer to look into the box as well. It was indeed filled with a bunch of toys. Plushies of animals Harry had never seen before, different figurines, a set of cards, a yo-yo, a weird looking frisbee, a chess set and a game called gobstones. "Do you like any of this stuff? I mean, we can go out later and buy you new toys but maybe you like any of these.", Lily suggested and Harry looked up at her with wide eyes.

"I can have all of them?", He asked carefully. He didn't want to get too excited too soon. The only toys he had back at the Dursleys were a couple of toy soldiers but he hadn't brought those. If he only got to keep one of the toys that would be cool, too but then he'd need a moment to pick one so that he wouldn't regret it later.

"Yes, of course! They're yours if you want them. ", Lily nodded enthusiastically and Harry couldn't believe his luck. He reached into the box, brushing his hand over one of the stuffed animals. It looked like a bird that had four legs with hooves like a horse. It was soft and fluffy and his now.

"Thank you... Can I bring them to my room?", He asked, looking up at Lily again.

"Sure!", She nodded and Harry got up and grabbed the box, leaving before Lily could change her mind.

Harry carried the box to the bedroom Lily said was his now. It used to be James' old room and the whole room was decked out in red and gold and the walls were covered in posters of people on flying brooms. Harry had never had a whole room to himself before, all that space was a little overwhelming. When he woke up last night after his nightmare he had no idea where he was and all that space freaked him out for a moment. He had felt the urge to hide under his bed.

Harry put the box down and started to unpack it all. He put the plushies on the bed and the other toys on the bookshelf before taking the empty box with him again. When he stepped out onto the hallway he suddenly had an idea. Lily was still upstairs in the attic and might stay there for a little longer. Right now might be the perfect time to get some food to hide. He had wanted to do that last night but then Sirius caught him. He glanced up the stairs to the attic one last time before putting down the box and sneaking downstairs.

In the kitchen he quickly picked up a couple of things that hopefully wouldn't be missed. A leftover sandwich half, half an apple, a couple tomato slices. He packed it into some plastic wrap and carried it upstairs again. He had already found a little nook in his closet where he could hide the food. Sirius had told him that he could eat whenever he wanted but Harry wouldn't believe that just because he promised it. The next time he'd mess up and got locked into his room without food he'd be prepared. It's how he had managed back at the Dursleys. He had a secret hiding place there as well.

Once he had everything hidden away safely he made his way back to the attic. When he came up the stairs he caught Lily with an expression he hadn't seen on her face before. She looked sad, really sad and her eyes were red and glassy like she was crying. "Are you okay?", he asked concerned.

"What-?", Lily gasped, seemingly startled by his presence. But as soon as she noticed him the smile was back on her face and she wiped at her cheeks. "Uhh... Yeah... I'm all good. It's just allergies... It's so dusty up here. ", She said.

"You dusted this room already.", Harry pointed out before cringing slightly. He didn't mean to call out her lie, he didn't want her to get annoyed with him.

"Yes... You're right... I did.", She sighed, her smile slipping a little. She didn't seem angry... for now.

"What's wrong?", Harry dared to ask.

"Nothing... I just- I found some old photo albums. Wanna see?", Lily offered, holding up an old leather bound book.

Harry didn't understand why a photo album would make her cry but he still nodded and went over to her, taking a seat by her side. "Yeah, sure."

The first thing Harry noticed was that the pictures in the album seemed to be as magical as everything else here. "The pictures, they're moving!", he exclaimed in awe.

"Yes, it's wizarding photography. These pictures are back from our school days. See, there's your dad, uncle Sirius and uncle Remus. ", Lily explained, pointing at a picture of four boys, their arms wrapped around each other, all of them smiling and waving at the camera. James looked pretty much the same as he did in real life but Sirius and Remus looked much younger than they did now. The age thing was confusing him once again.

"Who's that?", he asked, pointing at the fourth person, a short stocky boy with thin sandy hair and a round face.

The smile on Lily's face slipped away completely and a cold look settled in her eyes that made Harry tense up instinctively. "It's- That's Peter Pettigrew. We're not friends anymore. He's a bad man. ", She explained and Harry elected to quickly change the subject.

"If you're all the same age, why do Sirius and Remus look older than you?", He asked, hoping that that wasn't a rude question.

The cold look disappeared from Lily's face, which was good but she still seemed upset. "Yeah... That's complicated. Uhmm... You know how you didn't think that you had a mum and dad?"

"Yes, aunt Petunia said you died in a car crash. ", Harry nodded. Aunt Petunia hated it when he asked about his parents. After a while he stopped trying.

"Car crash?! We didn't even have a-", Lily exclaimed, seeming angry again before quickly forcing herself to calm down. Harry got the feeling that she wasn't angry at him but he couldn't be entirely certain yet. "Nevermind. She wasn't entirely lying. Your father and I did die and that's why we couldn't take care of you. ", Lily then went on to explain and Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"You died.", He stated, not sure if he was misunderstanding her. Harry might not know a lot but he was pretty sure that death was permanent. Then again, Lily was a witch so maybe that didn't count for her.

"Yes. But...we saw that things weren't going great down here and that your aunt and uncle weren't treating you well, so your dad and I fought really hard to come back from the dead.", She went on.

Harry decided to not think too hard about why someone would come back for him and focused on the death-thing instead. "You can come back from the dead?"

"Normally not! But we just were really stubborn. It did take us a while, though, which is why your uncles are older than us now and why you got stuck with Petunia for so long.", Lily explained before becoming silent for a moment. She didn't say anything, she just looked at Harry and she look very sad and very sorry. Harry didn't know how to fix it. "I just... Harry, I want you to know that we wanted to be there for you and we never wanted you to get hurt.", She then said and Harry got a little uncomfortable with all her attention. 

"It was fine.", He mumbled, lowering his eyes. The Dursleys weren't great and Harry didn't like them but he didn't want to be whiny, either.

"You're very brave for saying that Harry, but the people who take care of you should love you. They shouldn't scare you or hurt you. I need you to know this. Okay?",Lily told him and Harry didn't understand what she wanted from him.

"Okay...", He mumbled before looking back at the album. "Who's that?", He asked, pointing at a picture of four girls. One of them was Lily, she had her arms wrapped around one black girl with big curly hair and one blond girl that was also pressing a kiss to the fourth girls cheek. The fourth girl was also black and had long braided hair that was wrapped up into two buns.

"Those were my best friends... Marlene and Mary. We called them M&Ms. Like the candy. And that's Marlene's girlfriend Dorcas. ", Lily told him, a smile pulling at her lips but her eyes were turning glassy again.

She quickly turned the page. Now they were looking at an older couple, they were both brown and had black hair, just like the little boy they were posing with who looked almost exactly like Harry. "Here are James' parents, your grandparents. This was their house. ", Lily explained, her smile happier again.

"They look old.", Harry pointed out.

"Yeah, they were. James was kind of a surprise baby. They're unfortunately not with us anymore but they would've loved to meet you. ", Lily stated and Harry gave her a surprised look.

"Really?", he asked.

"Yes, of course.", Lily grinned before reaching over and ruffling through his hair. "You're a great kid, don't let anyone tell you different." The smile on her face was contagious and soon Harry found himself smiling as well. He desperately hoped that he wouldn't mess this up.

They looked through the pictures a little bit longer and Lily explained who everyone was to Harry. She still seemed to get sad a lot but Harry didn't ask her why because she didn't seem to want him to notice that she was sad. He knew that sometimes when he felt bad he also just wanted to hide away so he didn't want to make her feel worse.

"We should take these downstairs, put them in some frames and hang them up, what do you think?", Lily eventually asked when they were done with the album. Harry agreed. Together they went downstairs to the living room and Lily showed him a spell that she could use to duplicate the picture frames that they were already using. They then put the new pictures in the frames. The picture of James and his parents, Lily and her friends, a bigger group of people that Lily called the order of the something, a bigger family picture of James' family with his grandparents and aunts and uncles from when he was still a baby, a picture of Lily and James dancing, a picture from their wedding. In the end Lily took the photo of James and his three friends and conjured a pair of scissors before cutting away Peter and throwing his piece into the flames of the fire place. Then she framed the picture and put it on the fireplace mantel.

Lily gave Harry a proud smile that he carefully returned before clapping her hands together and asking:"Snack time?"

They went to the kitchen and Lily checked the fridge but they still only had the groceries that Remus had bought the other night and that they had brought here so Lily decided to just throw something together.

"Do you need any help? I can make the eggs.", Harry suggested as Lily went to work. So far she hadn't noticed that anything was missing and Harry hoped that it would stay that way.

Lily hesitated for a moment and regarded Harry a little closer. He feared that she had gotten suspicious but then she just asked:"Do you want to help because you want to or because you feel like you have to?"

Harry didn't know how to answer that question. It sort of felt like a trick or a test but Harry didn't know what the right answer was. "I enjoy cooking?", He finally replied, because cooking was generally better than cleaning and when he was cooking he could sneak a little extra food when nobody was watching.

"Okay, then you can help. Come here.", Lily nodded with a smile and Harry was relieved that he seemed to have said the right thing.

He could do this, he wouldn't mess this up again. He would make it work.

~

James and Regulus found themselves at number 12 Grimmauld Place. It was the ancestral home of the Black family in London, in the middle of a muggle neighborhood, yet hidden from their eyes. Only James and Regulus could see number 12 while everyone else assumed that there was just a mistake in the house numbers.

Regulus' childhood home loomed over him threateningly. He never thought that he'd step foot in there again.

"Are you ready?", James asked beside him and he knew that James could feel his heart racing.

"I don't know... ", He admitted, because lying was no use. "Do we know if my mother is still alive?", He then asked. Somehow he hadn't considered the possibility of seeing her again. He didn't know which option filled him with more dread, finding out that she had died during his absence or having to interact with her right now.

"Maybe we should've asked Remus that.", James nodded, just as clueless as him. "Too late now. ", He added and Regulus had to agree with him. There was no point avoiding it any longer. Regulus looked over at James, giving him a nod, and they walked up to the entrance together.

They carefully entered the building, finding it dark and covered in a thick layer of dust. "Doesn't seem like anybody's living here. ", James whispered before casting a _Homenum Revelio_ to check if anyone else was present. It came up empty. "There's nobody here...", he said, no longer whispering.

"No humans at least. ",Regulus added before daring to walk in further. If his mother wasn't here that was one less problem for him to worry about.

They walked down the hallway until Regulus suddenly froze. There she was, not really her but a portrait of his mother, huge and looming and larger than life. "Mother-" The word escaped his mouth before he could stop it and the lady in the portrait awoke, cold steely eyes zeroing in on Regulus.

"Regulus! My darling boy! Lost! Lost and gone! Breaking my heart!", She started to shriek and Regulus felt himself flinch back. She even sounded like herself. "NOT LIKE THAT OTHER ONE! RUNNING OFF WITH BLOOD TRAITORS AND HALF-BREEDS AND-", she then went on and Regulus was quickly reminded why he really didn't want to meet her right now.

He spotted a pair of curtains at both sides of the painting that he grabbed before yanking them close, effectively silencing the painting. "Okay, that's enough!", he insisted before taking a step back to look at James. James gave him a look, raising his eyebrows and Regulus could feel his cheeks heat up. "Do you ever come across something that reminds you of something you did when you were a child any you just... want to remove your brain because of the shame and embarrassment?", He asked him and to his relief a smile spread on James' face. One of his glorious sunshine smiles.

"All the fucking time.",he smirked before nudging Regulus with his elbow. "Come on."

They continued their way deeper into the house until they stepped into the kitchen. It looked just as abandoned as everything else and Regulus got more and more certain that his mother wasn't alive anymore. She wouldn't have let this place get so messy and she definitely wouldn't have abandoned it. It was the home of their ancestors.

"Are you sure that Kreacher is still around? This place looks abandoned...", James asked, looking around.

"If he didn't have anyone to give him orders he might've stopped taking care of the estate. ", Regulus guessed. He really hoped that the house elf was okay. He'd hate if something had happened to him.

"KREACHER!", Regulus then yelled and almost immediately a loud POP sound rang through the room as Kreacher appeared in front of them. He still looked the same he had 7 years ago, and he looked just as distraught, too.

"M- Master Regulus?!", the elf asked, sounding miserable and terrified.

"Hello Kreacher.", Regulus greeted him calmly, hoping that they could avoid an emotional breakdown. Regulus really shouldn't make a habit out of being hopeful.

"Master Regulus DIED!", Kreacher screamed out before falling to his knees at Regulus' feet. "KREACHER SAW IT! MASTER REGULUS DROWNED AND KREACHER COULDN'T SAFE HIM! HE TRIED BUT MASTER REGULUS WOULDN'T-", he wailed, holding onto Regulus' robes as he cried.

"Kreacher, I need you to calm down.", Regulus asked him calmly, crouching down in front of him.

"Master Regulus has returned!", The elf screamed, huge tears running down his face. He threw himself around Regulus' neck and Regulus held him there, letting the elf cry until he started to calm down a little.

"Yes, yes I have. It's okay. I'm back now, and I'm all good.", He repeated over and over again until Kreacher finally let go of him, taking a step back and sniffling miserably. Regulus felt awful at the thought that the elf might've spend years in complete isolation here, with nobody to take care of him.

"Kreacher we need your help.", Regulus eventually said and Kreacher's eyes lit up at the prospect of having orders again.

"We-?", He then asked before looking to James who he seemingly hadn't noticed yet.

"Hey.", James greeted him with an awkward smile.

Kreacher didn't return his smile. He turned angry and disgusted instead. "A blood traitor! A BLOOD TRAITOR IN THE NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK! ",he started to scream and Regulus felt himself cringe again.

"Kreacher, stop calling James a blood traitor. He's a friend.", He insisted but Kreacher was on a rampage.

"He stole Master Sirius away! HE BROKE THE MISTRESS' HEART!", He protested.

Regulus could've told him that it wasn't James' fault that Sirius left, that Sirius was right to get out, but he knew that Kreacher wouldn't understand. "Kreacher. I don't care. You will not call James a blood traitor. He's a friend. ", He ordered instead.

Kreacher looked appalled at the idea that Regulus and James were friends and he glared at James as if he solely blamed him for that turn of events. But he didn't try to insult him anymore which Regulus would take as a win.

"Okay? Good. Kreacher, do you remember the locket I gave you?", he then went on, pretending that Kreacher wasn't still giving James the death-glare.

Mentioning the locket send Kreacher right back into misery. Reminding a house elf of a failed order was never a pleasant affair. "Ohhh Master Regulus! Kreacher tried to destroy it! He did! BUT HE COULDN'T!", Kreacher cried again, throwing himself back into Regulus arms.

"I know, and I'm not mad at you, okay? I'm sure that you tried everything you could and you did a great job.", he told him, trying to go for gentle and calming.

Kreacher gave him a uncertain look, like he couldn't quite believe his words. "K-Kreacher did good?!", He asked.

"Yes. Now we need you to give us the locket so that we can destroy it. ", Regulus insisted.

Kreacher nodded shakily before popping away again. A moment later he reappeared, holding the wretched thing in his hands. It was of heavy gold with a serpentine _S_ in glittering green stone inlayed on the front. Regulus had stared so long at pictures of it during the process of fabricating the copy, he'd know it anywhere.

"The locket is evil!", Kreacher warned as he handed it over to Regulus. Regulus could feel it dripping with dark magic, it truly felt toxic. 

"Yeah, nobody's surprised by that.", James mumbled, staring at it with such disgust on his face that it startled Regulus for a moment. Sometimes Regulus forgot how light James and Lily were, or rather, how dark he had once been. He had spend so much time with his soul entangled in theirs, a part of him had all but forgotten how different they used to be. He wondered if James still remembered, he wondered if James was as disgusted with him as with this thing. He pushed the thought away and let the locket disappear in the pockets of his robes.

"There's some books from our library I wanted to pick up, plus my own research on Horcruxes.", He stated, pulling James' attention back to him.

"You can also get some of your personal stuff!", James suggested and Regulus felt a pang of irritation. Regulus didn't really have... personal stuff. That had been his first problem in the afterlife. He had barely any tethers to the land of the living, not even weak ones. But he supposed that he could grab some of his own clothes if he was already here.

"Yeah... Right. Wait here?", He asked.

"Sure.", James nodded and Regulus left the kitchen to head upstairs. Everything he needed should be in his bedroom, assuming that his mother had left his room unchanged. He didn't know how long she had lived for after his death, in the months that he witnessed she hadn't moved on well. She'd refused to change anything, she hadn't even admitted to herself that he was gone, choosing to believe that he'd return one day. Funnily enough, she had been right.

Stepping into his room was like stepping into the past. The Slytherin colours of emerald and silver were everywhere, draping the bed, the walls and the windows. The Black family crest was painstakingly painted over the bed, along with its motto Toujours Pur, the paint had faded by now but Regulus could still make it out. Beneath this was a collection of yellow newspaper cuttings, all stuck together to make a ragged collage. Everything was covered in dust, abandoned, hollow, like this entire building.

Regulus could barely remember how it had felt to call this place a home. It felt like a lifetime ago when he had gathered all these newspaper clippings about the Dark Lord, when he had been obsessed and blinded with the task of making his family proud, keeping them alive, bringing them honour. Regulus would understand if James were disgusted with him. Standing in his old life now, Regulus was disgusted with himself.

He pushed his own self hatred away and started to move. He found a bag and filled it with the old clothes in his closet. He dug out his Horcrux research from it's hiding place and started to gather all the books he wanted to bring.

Once he had everything gathered he stopped once more, looking around the room. He took a good close look at who he used to be, at the boy that he had tried to drown in an Inferi infested lake, and then he vowed to never be that boy again.

He went back downstairs where he found James and Kreacher in the hallway, seemingly in the middle of a staring contest. James looked pretty relieved when he saw him, giving Regulus a smile that made something flutter inside the young man's stomach.

"You've got everything?", James asked.

"Yes, we can go.", Regulus nodded before looking to Kreacher who looked like he was near tears again.

"Master Regulus is leaving?!", He whimpered and Regulus realized that Kreacher thought that he was abandoning him again.

"You can come with us.", Regulus claimed, too quickly before remembering that he was merely a guest at Potter-Manor and he had to ask for permission first. "Right James?"

James gave him a helpless sort of smile before shrugging. "Yes, of course. But... He can't be rude to Lily.", he insisted and Regulus could see why that was a concern of his. Kreacher hadn't really been a shining example of acceptance so far.

Kreacher then went on to immediately proof James right by snarling:"I'm not taking orders from filthy-"

But Regulus wouldn't let him finish, cutting him off sternly. "Kreacher! You're going to listen to James. You aren't allowed to call anyone a bloodtraitor, or a mudblood, or a half-breed or filthy or scum or anything like that. These are my friends, you shall be polite to them.", He ordered and Kreacher looked horrified.

"BUT MISTRESS SAID-", he started to protest and Regulus himself couldn't really believe that he said his next words.

"My mother was wrong."

Kreacher looked shocked, James looked a little proud. His smile brought back the flutter and Regulus wondered if James was giving him a stomach flue.

When Kreacher didn't try to argue with him again he gave James a decisive nod.

"Come on, we're going home. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lily: *smiles at her son*  
> Harry, internally: This is great! I'm going to get a good grade in 'being a son', something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve
> 
> ~
> 
> Regulus, confronted with his past:...  
> Regulus: Honestly, I don't remember. I was probably fucked up. Yeah, I was crazy back then  
> Regulus: *awkward laughter*
> 
> ~
> 
> James: *smiles*  
> Regulus: you make me sick


	9. Fine

James and Regulus were the first ones to return. Lily and Harry were just finishing up their Snack-Time when Lily heard a loud CRACK coming from their foyer. "Lily? Harry! We're home!", James yelled and Lily could feel Regulus' mind brush against hers.

Lily and Harry made their way to the foyer and once they entered the room she started to ask:"Have you got the- " But her voice quickly broke off when she spotted the old grouchy house-elf that they had brought along.

"What's that?!", Harry exclaimed, staring at the elf with wide eyes.

"Vile, little creature, has no manners-", the elf suddenly started to snarl at the little boy and Lily looked to Regulus.

"Kreacher! I told you to be nice.", Regulus interjected and Kreacher gave him a disgruntled look but didn't say anything else.

" _You brought a house-elf?"_ Lily asked Regulus in her mind.

 _"He was all alone. I couldn't leave him there."_ Regulus returned, giving her a pleading look.

Lily really didn't want to have a house-elf. The whole tradition of enslaving house-elves was barbaric and sick in general but she also didn't want someone around who regarded her and everyone she cared about as unworthy. But it was Regulus' house-elf, and she knew how much he ment to the young man. She had to at least try to get along with him.

"Okay- hey! Welcome to our home! My name is Lily. You already know James and this is our son, Harry." Lily decided to introduce them all to the new addition to their household.

Kreacher glared at Lily and Harry with an expression of pure disgust but he didn't start cursing at them again, looking up at his master instead. "More... Friends? I suppose?!" He asked, sounding like the idea of Regulus being friends with them was deeply insulting to him.

Regulus didn't seem to care for Kreacher's disapproval. He just looked from James to Lily, a small smile forming on his lips that pulled at Lily's heartstrings. "Exactly. And this is James and Lily's home, we're guests here and you'll be doing what they are telling you. Understood?" Regulus then ordered and the elf grumbled in agreement.

 _"I'm not comfortable having a house-elf."_ Lily told Regulus and he gave her a slightly dismayed look.

 _"Yes, I am aware. I could give him clothes right now, but I don't think that he'd react well to it. We might have to work our way up to that."_ Regulus told her and Lily could see in his mind that he really was intending to free his elf. That had to be good enough for now.

" _Okay_."

"Kreacher, could you bring my things to my bedroom? It's upstairs in the room right next to the master bedroom." Regulus then told Kreacher, handing him the bags, that they brough and Kreacher disappeared without another word.

"Who was that? And why did they look like that?", Harry asked, still perplexed by the new arrival. Lily only now realized that Harry had never seen a house-elf before. She could see how that sight was slightly startling at first.

"That was Regulus' house-elf Kreacher. He works for Regulus." Lily explained and Harry gave her and Regulus a puzzled expression.

"Why was he so rude?", he then asked and Lily looked to Regulus.

" _You explain that one."_

" _Fine_." Regulus thought before crouching down to get on Harry's eye level. Harry regarded him carefully as he always did with everyone. "Kreacher doesn't have the best manners. He's going to need some time to learn how to be nice to you." Regulus then explained and Harry narrowed his eyes at the young man.

"Like you learned to be nice to Lily?" Harry probed and Lily remembered their conversation the other night. Regulus mouth gaped a little when he glanced over at Lily.

 _"Like I learned to be nice to you?"_ He thought, not sounding accusatory. He just sounded guilty.

 _"Harry asked, if you were a bad person the other night."_ Lily explained and she could feel Regulus' mind cringe away. She didn't let him retreat into his guilt, though. Her mind chased after his. _"And I explained to him that you've changed and that you're a good person now!"_

She could tell that he didn't believe her, that Harry had accidentally hit a nerve, a really raw one. _"He's just curious, Regulus."_ She insisted and finally he gave in, easing the tension in his mind just a little.

"Exactly. So don't take anything he says personally, alright?", he nodded at Harry, forcing a smile.

"Words don't hurt. I can handle it.", Harry simply shrugged and now Lily's heart ached for another reason.

Regulus, on the other hand, just smiled at Harry. It even looked genuine this time. "I have no doubt about that."

"Harry, can you go play in your room for a bit.", James then requested. They obviously had a lot to talk about and Harry shouldn't be anywhere near that conversation.

"Why?" Harry asked, looking from James to Lily with a confused frown on his face.

"We need to talk about some boring adult stuff. You wouldn't care." James tried to explain and once again Harry narrowed his eyes at him. It looked like he was about to argue but then he chose differently and simply shrugged.

"Okay." He said before turning around and leaving. Something about this seemed too easy but it wasn't at the top of Lily's list of concerns right now.

"Did you get it?", she asked, stepping closer to James and Regulus as soon as Harry was out the door.

"Here it is..." Regulus said, pulling a locket out of one of the pockets of his robes and dangling it between them.

The locket looked beautiful, elegant and intricate but there were waves of dark magic radiating off of it. It was practically drenched in it The locket made Lily sick.

"You can feel it, too, right?", James asked, and Lily was hit with his feelings of disgust and hatred towards the piece of jewelry.

"Yeah, it feels vile. ", Lily mumbled, staring at the locket with unease. It made her skin crawl. She felt the urge to throw this thing as far away as possible and then take a bath. "What do we do with it now?"

In theory the next step was quite obvious. They had to destroy it but something told Lily that it wouldn't be as easy as stepping on it or setting it on fire.

" _It won't be_." Regulus mind echoed in hers.

"We need to find a way to destroy it." He said out loud. "Until then-" He added before raising the chain up and putting it around his neck.

"Don't wear that thing!" James hissed and Lily could feel his worry and protectiveness radiating off of him. Lily shared the sentiment. Something told her that wearing a piece of Voldemort's soul so close to ones heart was an incredibly stupid idea.

"It's the best way to keep it safe!" Regulus argued before letting the locket disappear underneath the collar of his robes like he didn't want Lily and James to be aware of it. As if that was possible.

"There must be something we can do to contain it that won't involve you wearing a piece of Voldemort's soul around your neck." Lily tried to convince him and Regulus pulled a face at the reminder of the true nature of his new jewellery.

"Trust me, I'd prefer it, too. But until then-" He shrugged and suddenly they heard two loud CRACKS outside the door that made them all look towards the door.

"That must be Moony and Padfoot.", James announced before turning around and heading for the door.

Regulus gave Lily a questioning look, thinking: _"What's with the nicknames?"_

Lily could still remember how her and her friends had all laughed about the peculiar names the Gryffindore boys had given each other. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. It always seemed like the boys were part of their own very exclusive and very secret club and they had all picked out code names for each other. Years later Lily found out the true reason for these nicknames. That they represented each of their animal forms, because James and his friends loved Remus so much that they secretly and illegally became animagi for him.

 _"Your brother and his friends are massive dorks."_ Lily returned with a smirk that Regulus returned.

James let in Remus and Sirius and as soon as they saw them, all of them knew that something must've happened. Remus looked gutted, his expression empty, his eyes glued to the floor. Sirius was staring at Remus, the expression on his face so goddamn desperate and shameful that Lily felt something twist inside her. Next Lily felt a pit open up in her stomach. Or maybe that was just James' feeling.

"What's wrong?", James immediately asked, sounding alarmed.

"Nothing. I'll bring the groceries to the kitchen.", Remus claimed, his voice clipped and sharp. He pushed past all of them, not bothering to remove his coat or his boots, just storming off to the kitchen with his shopping bags.

They all followed him with their eyes, then Lily and James exchanged a look that clearly said: _'Oh no, what happened now?'_

"Padfoot?", James asked, glancing to Sirius and the other man looked absolutely miserable.

"He... Remus figured out that I suspected him of being the spy, and he did not take it well. ", Sirius confessed and this time Lily was pretty sure that the sinking feeling was her own. She should've seen this coming, should've known that it was only a matter of time until Remus started to ask questions.

Suddenly Lily felt overwhelmed with guilt and shame and she knew that these were James' emotions bleeding into hers. He had hated himself for not including Remus back then, even when they hadn't yet known who the traitor really was. Now he wasn't any different. Loyalty was everything to James and this would tear him up inside.

"I'll go talk to him.", Lily said, quickly turning around and heading for the kitchen. She felt like she was the most rational in this situation and God knows, Remus would be enough of an emotional mess for two people. There was no room for another wreck. Besides that, she also need a little bit distance from James, or his pain combined with hers might overwhelm her. She felt everything so much _more_ , so much _harsher_ these days.

When she passed through the hallway outside the foyer her eyes fell on Harry, hiding next to the door, a guilty expression on his face, like she had caught him doing something he shouldn't be doing.

"Harry! Were you eavesdropping?", Lily asked, hovering next to him for a moment. She knew that the way he had simply left without a fight had been too easy.

"No!", Harry quickly exclaimed, obviously alarmed. While Lily really didn't want Harry to be involved or bothered by the whole horcrux thing, she also didn't have the emotional capacity to be even slightly upset with him right now.

"Go to your room Harry, please.", Lily simply asked him and Harry gave her a short nod. His expression had turned unreadable once more. The boy turned around and headed for the stairs and Lily faced the doorway to the kitchen again.

"Remus?", Lily asked carefully as she stepped into the kitchen. Remus was currently filling their fridge with the groceries he bought but his movements were sharp and erratic. He looked pissed as hell and didn't react to Lily calling out his name at all. "Are you okay?", she asked, still hovering in the doorway.

He stopped for a moment, head whipping around to glance at Lily. His eyes were red and glassy and Lily felt her own guilt gnaw at her.

"Yes, I'm doing absolutely amazingly. ", he spat before continuing to throw groceries into the fridge, as if they had personally wronged him.

"Remus?", Lily asked again, stepping into the kitchen now. Remus didn't react, didn't speak, didn't look at her. Lily just continued to approach him until she stood by his side. From here she could see how heavily he was breathing, his nostrils flaring. "Remus. Can you stop passive aggressively packing away groceries for one minute and look at me?", Lily asked calmly because someone had to be.

Remus froze for a moment, his entire body stilling. Then his head whipped around, his eyes digging into Lily's and he looked so goddamn _hurt_ , it made Lily's heart seize in her chest. "Did you believe it, too?!", he asked, his voice almost hysteric and Lily couldn't help it, she flinched back. Remus took a shaky breath, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment, like he was desperately trying to calm himself. "You and James. Did you believe that I was the traitor, too?", he then asked.

This was a dangerous question, one that Lily had hoped that they'd never have to answer because... Because Lily didn't even know what the truth was. "Remus, we always loved you-", she started, because that much she was certain of.

Remus didn't like that, though. She was avoiding his question and he could tell. So he cut her off. "But you didn't trust me. You thought that- that what?! I switched sides and joined a pack? That I joined Greyback?! ", he asked her sharply, the underlying fury taking the place of his pain. His eyes sparked with it, they were made of blazing fire.

"No, of course not!", Lily exclaimed and she ment it. Lily never believed that Remus would join the werewolf that had bitten him as a child. He hated the man too much. And she hadn't truly believed that Remus was the traitor either, she couldn't. Not when he was one of her best friends. Remus had sympathy with the packs and the exiled wolves but he clung too much to his humanity.

Remus didn't seem to believe her to be genuine, though. "Don't lie to me!", he yelled at her and when Lily took a step back he switched from anger to devastation. The fury faded and now he just looked _crushed_. He let out a heavy sigh, rubbing his hands over his face, shoulders hunching forward. "It's over and done with Lily. It doesn't matter now, I know that. And I know that I don't have a right to be mad because Sirius went to Azkaban over this and you and James- you-" His voice trailed off. Even now he couldn't address Lily and James' death properly. He dropped his hands, glancing up at Lily, looking desperate and like he was pleading, begging for some kind of relief. "But I need the truth. I need to know if you all secretly think that I am a monster." He finished, sounding defeated, like he already knew the answer.

Lily ached for him with everything she had and she became _furious_. _Furious_ at Greyback for doing this to Remus, for changing him when he was just a child. _Furious_ at the world, for making Remus believe that he was something bad, something monstrous. _Furious_ at Dumbledore for seperating them all and _furious_ at herself for not doing anything to stop it.

But her fury was useless right now, so she pushed it aside, just as she had every minute of every hour that they had been back. She focused on Remus, her friend that she loved, her friend that was hurting. Lily approached him, grabbing him by his shoulders and forcing his eyes to meet hers. "Remus, I've never thought of you that way and you know that." She insisted, her voice steely. "You were never less than one of my best friends. Never. And it doesn't matter what you are, only who you are in here." She added before pointing at his chest where his heart resided.

"Then why didn't you trust me?", Remus asked, his voice so god-awfully _empty_. 

"Because Dumbledore told us not to.", Lily admitted and the confusion on Remus' face was almost matched by his betrayal.

"What-?" He gasped out.

"Not directly.", Lily quickly added before elaborating. "He- Dumbledore told us to only trust the people we could keep an eye on, the people we could keep close. It wasn't personal, we just- James and I barely saw you in the months leading up to it- we had no idea where you were, what you were up to.", she tried to explain and she knew that it wasn't good enough, that they had messed up, but things had just been so goddamn scary at the time and Remus was barely present and when he was he was distant and couldn't tell them what he had been doing, why he was gone so much, what happened on his missions. Lily didn't believe that he was the traitor, she really didn't, and James considered it inexcusable to not trust his friends, but...

 _But_. But Peter had been there and Remus hadn't. But Sirius suggested Peter and insisted that something was off about Remus. But they had all been incredibly wrong.

Remus was horrified. His eyes were wide, his mouth gaping. "Dumbledore send me away! He made me leave! He had me spend months with the packs! I didn't want any of that!", he exclaimed desperately and Lily tried to hold onto him, tried to sooth some of his pain, no matter how fruitless it seemed.

"I know- I know, okay? And I'm sorry. We chose wrong, so wrong. But we could only see Sirius and Peter. Dumbledore told us to only trust them. We were fools for listening to him. ", Lily told him and she ment every word of it.

"Sirius told you that he suspected me, didn't he?", Remus asked, a bitter edge to his tone.

"We didn't suspect you.", Lily insisted, avoiding the question because she knew that the answer would only hurt so much more. Remus didn't let her off easy, though. He kept pushing.

"That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking if Sirius thought that I was the traitor based on all the time I spend with the packs.", Remus asked, his tone sharp, almost threatening.

"I'm sorry, Remus.", Lily whispered and Remus already knew what that ment. He crumbled like a house of cards, folding in on himself. Lily stepped in, catching him and letting him lean on her. She wrapped her arms around his boney frame and Remus clung to her in return, burying his face in her shoulder as he started to sob, his entire body trembling with the strain of it. Lily started to rub soothing circles over his back, whispering soft words into his ear while her own eyes were burning. "Hey, hey, I'm sorry... We're so sorry, we were wrong, all of us were wrong and you didn't deserve it."

"I hate him- I hate him!", Remus gasped out in between sobs, his voice raw and cracky with agony.

"Sirius was just scared-", Lily whispered. She didn't know what she'd do if she couldn't fix Sirius and Remus. The two had been so inseparable in her mind, she didn't know how they were supposed to stay apart and she'd hate if her and James' lifes would be to blame for them falling apart entirely.

"Not Sirius. Dumbledore.", Remus explained, his voice barely there at this point. "I hate him. He tore us apart.", he added and that Lily could relate to.

There were few people she hated more than Dumbledore. He used to be one of her idols, a friend and mentor that she used to look up to. Someone that she had viewed as their protector, their saviour. She couldn't have been more wrong. "I know. I hate him, too.", she confessed. It still left a bitter taste in her mouth. How messed up she was for feeling guilty about getting the man that has ruined all their lives.

They stayed like that for a while, just standing in the middle of the kitchen, Remus coming apart in Lily's arms. "I hope that you forgive us one day...", Lily told him. She didn't expect forgiveness. Their choices had killed them and doomed all the people they cared about. She was fully aware of the consequences of their actions. But imagining that Remus would never forgive them, that they couldn't recover their friendship... it hurt too much to even think about. So she hoped for his forgiveness.

Eventually Remus calmed down and let go of her and then they just stood there, matching pairs of puffy red eyes staring at each other. "Are you scared?" Remus asked, sounding hollow.

"Of what?" Lily asked, even though she could imagine what he ment.

"Me being here, with Harry. Do you think I'm dangerous?", Remus explained and Lily's fury was back. She never used to be so angry. Sure, she always had a bit of a temper but now... Everything that had happened to her friends, her family, the people she loved, it was all so bloody _unfair_. She could see the effects of all of it every time she looked at them. At Harry who was too scared for his age, at Sirius who was a ghost and Remus who wasn't far better. And those reminders made her sick and angry until she felt like she could boil over with hot, vicious lave and scorch everything in her proximity. She couldn't though. She had to stay strong. Because she was _fine_ and they weren't. She had to be _fine_ for them.

"Are you kidding me?" Lily then asked, and she couldn't hold back the offence in her voice.

"Just wanted to make sure.", Remus shrugged uncomfortably.

Lily reached for him again and to her relief he leaned into her touch, letting her hug him and hugging her back, softer this time, gentler. "You're not a monster, Remus. Not to us. Never believe anyone that tells you different.", Lily insisted.

Once again, they just remained in that position, both drawing comfort from each other. Eventually Remus was the first one to speak up again. "Did James and Regulus get the locket?"

"Yes, they've got it. Now we need a way to figure out how to destroy it, or at least keep it save somewhere where it isn't wrapped around one of our necks.", Lily explained, letting go of Remus and taking a few steps back. She had thought about this while they had all been gone. If things were different she would've asked Marlene for help.

Marlene... Her brilliant, fantastic friend and her wonderful family. The McKinnons were special, always had been. Not only because of how open and loving they all were, treating Lily like one of their own, giving her 3 new sisters when her own had denounced her.

No, the McKinnons also all shared a quite special talent for curses, not casting them but breaking and undoing them. They were all incredibly skilled at unraveling dark magic and picking even the vilest and most complex magic apart until it was neutralised. Witches and Wizards from all over the world employed them to break spells on enchanted objects and cursed people. They were famous for it. That's probably why Voldemort had them all killed.

"Maybe we'll find something in Regulus' research. Or maybe we can find a curse breaker or someone who knows more. God, I really miss the McKinnons.", Lily admitted. She couldn't say her name, not again, not after looking at her picture and telling Harry about her like she hadn't been murdered. It still hurt too much.

In the afterlife Lily hadn't met Marlene, some people just weren't reachable, some spirits you just couldn't find. Dorcas hadn't been around either. She looked to believe that they were together, though. Dorcas, Marlene and the rest of the McKinnons, as intertwined as her and James had been. It was a simple fact that Lily had accepted behind the veil. Now that she was alive again, accepting her best friend's death was much harder.

"Lily?" Remus asked, eyeing her with raised eyebrows.

"Yes?" Lily asked. It seemed like she had said something incorrect but she had no idea what it could be. 

"We could ask Marlene for help.", Remus stated like it was obvious and Lily was sure that he had misunderstood something. Just because Lily, James and Regulus were back, that didn't mean that just anyone could return.

"Remus, Marlene is dead. She died with her family.", Lily insisted but Remus was shaking his head.

"No, she didn't. They didn't find her body. She was just assumed dead. They found her a few weeks after your- She was badly hurt, it's suspected that Death Eaters kidnapped her and tortured her. But she survived.", Remus explained and Lily felt her mind suddenly run out of thoughts until her brain was a blank slate, unable to comprehend anything.

_Marlene. Alive._

She could remember the paper, the news, the headline. _**McKinnon-family found dead in their home.**_

_Marlene. Alive._

It was only a newspaper clipping that Sirius had send them. They were already in hiding by then and news from the outside world was scarce.

_Marlene. Alive._

They didn't mention Marlene by name, her being the youngest and least prominent member of the bunch. In general, the more Lily thought about it, she realized that there hadn't been much detail in general. But-

_Marlene. Alive._

"Marlene is alive.", Lily whispered, her heart racing in her chest. She didn't dare believe it yet. "Where is she?"

Remus pulled a face, looking almost apologetic. "That's more complicated."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus: I've done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.  
> Lily: I know this and I love you.
> 
> ~
> 
> Lily: *has gone through death and the traumatic process of coming back*  
> Lily: *clearly has some emotional issues because of it*  
> Lily: You know what, that's a problem for another day  
> Lily: I'm the only functioning piece of this family  
> Lily: I keep this shit running  
> Lily: I am F I N E !!!


	10. Marlene's little life

One moment everything was fine, or... not really fine because James felt guilty and he could feel Lily's guilt on top of his and Sirius looked miserable, but things were a lot all the time. And then there was a switch, something changed and Lily's feelings of guilt got cut off and switched into something stronger, something overwhelming.

Generally, James found that Lily didn't broadcast her emotions as much. He usually just got echos from her but right now it's like she forgot to pull up her walls and he was getting all of it. Lily was in shock.

"I'm getting a weird vibe from Lily. Someing is wrong. ", James pointed out and he noticed that Regulus had pulled a face as if he was in pain. He saw his hands reach for his ears as if he was trying to block out a sound before remembering that whatever he was hearing, it was coming from inside his head.

"Remus just told her that your friend Marlene is alive-", he then claimed and now the shock made sense.

"What?!", James burst out at the same time as Sirius exclaimed:"She's back, too?!" Sirius looked stricken. James could still remember how devastated he had been when the McKinnons had died. Aside from Lily, Sirius was probably closest to Marlene. They were each others first boy- and girlfriend and simultaneously their last because after they broke up they both realized that they weren't that much into the opposite sex. James had been glad back then, they were way better as friends, anyways.

James himself couldn't quite process it yet, too overwhelmed with Lilly's feelings to confront his own. Next thing he knew Lily came storming out of the kitchen, Remus close behind her.

"Have you heard it already?", Lily asked, her eyes wide, her hands shaky.

"Are you sure, Moony?", James asked, looking to Remus, who looked like he had cried. The guilt was back and it returned with a vengeance. He'd have to have a talk with Remus later to apologize and ask for his forgiveness. Remus didn't avoid his eyes, which was a good sign.

"She was assumed dead but they didn't find her body. A couple weeks after... you know, she turned up again. ",he explained, his voice rough.

"Holy fuck...", Sirius whispered.

"Wait, you didn't know either?", Remus wondered, looking to Sirius before seemingly regretting it and glueing his eyes to the floor.

"It's not like we get news at Azkaban.", Sirius mumbled and now the tension between those two was enough to make all of them fall silent. Well, everyone except for Regulus.

"The McKinnons were known for being prolific at curse breaking. Maybe she knows how to handle the Horcrux.", he suggested and Remus seemed relieved to have something else to focus on.

"That's what I was thinking-", he nodded along but James' focus was with Lily, who hadn't said a word since they came in. He could still feel her shock, like a lightning passing through his body, leaving nothing but burned remains. She was staring at nothing, her mouth slightly agape. James did it instinctively, like he always had. He reached for her, wrapping his arms around her in comfort and Lily leaned into his familiar warmth.

"Guys. Give her a minute.", James interrupted the other men who both froze before giving Lily an apologetic look.

"Right-", Regulus mumbled but Lily seemed to come back to herself, shifting in James' arms and tensing up.

"No- It's fine- I'm fine. We need to find her-", Lily argued and James could tell that she was steeling herself, but she was far from fine.

"Find her? Aren't you in contact?", Sirius asked, looking to Remus who refused to look back.

"It's complicated.", he mumbled before launching into an explanation of what had happened to Marlene over the last 7 years.

He told them how they had found her in some abandoned death eater hide out, starved and unconscious. How she spend months at St Mungo's afterwards. She had been tortured quite a lot judging by her mental state. She could barely remember her own name, couldn't stand people touching her and was afraid of everything. Remus tried visiting her but for a long time she seemed unable to handle it.

Lily was horrified, Sirius was shaking apart next to James. James was filled with dread, like he was drowning in it. Remus went on.

Eventually she started to regain some clarity, it was a long recovery process and the news of most of her family and friends either being dead or in prison didn't help. But like a fucking miracle, Marlene got back on her feet. And once she did, she ran.

"I haven't seen her in years, nobody has. She emptied all the McKinnon vaults, packed up her stuff and left the wizarding world behind. There was nothing here for her anymore.", Remus finished.

"You were here.", Sirius pointed out and he didn't sound like he was accusing him of anything but Remus still flinched back like he had.

"Marlene and I were never that close and both of us- We were too broken ourselves to support each other.", Remus admitted, seeming ashamed.

"She went into the muggle world, right?", Lily interjected, her expression thoughtful now.

"Yes, I suppose."

"Okay, so I'm gonna go on a limb here and say that she stayed in London. She always said that she wanted to live in the city. We could try to search her name in the telephone book?", Lily suggested.

"What's a telephone book?", Regulus asked and James was feeling pretty good about himself for already knowing what it was. He even used a telephone a couple of times.

"It's a book with addresses and phone numbers for people.", Lily hurriedly explained before looking to Remus.

"I can get my phone from home.",Remus offered and Sirius gave him a surprised look.

"You have a phone?"

"For muggle business.", Remus returned, his tone clipped and his eyes still focused on Lily.

"Nice, I'm gonna get a phone book, we should have enough of Petunia's muggle money left.", Lily nodded before gently separating from James and heading over to the drawer where they kept their money. She pocketed all the Muggle bills before reaching for her coat. "Can one of you check on Harry in the meantime. It's time for lunch.", she then asked as she put on her coat and prepared to apparate.

"Consider it done.", James nodded and Lily gave him a grateful smile before twisting away into thin air.

A moment later, without a word of goodbye, Remus did the same. And now only Sirius, Regulus and James were left. Sirius looked miserable and James knew that he had to talk to him too, but not right now. Right now it was time to take care of Harry.

"Well, you heard the lady of the house.", James announced, clapping his hands together and finally leaving the foyer to go check on Harry. Since he wasn't anywhere downstairs, James headed for Harry's bedroom, Regulus and Sirius following closely behind him.

"Harry?", He asked as he knocked against the door. When he didn't hear anything he carefully opened the door to glance inside. "Harry, are you here?", he called out but Harry wasn't anywhere to be seen. James was about to leave and search the rest of the house when he heard a noise coming from the closet. James froze for a moment before carefully approaching the closet. The dread was back.

He opened the closet door and found Harry curled up on the floor, staring up at him with large eyes. "Hey... Hey, kid, what are you doing in here?", he asked carefully, crouching down to seem less daunting to the kid. Harry just stared at him, completely frozen. Still, James could tell that Harry was afraid, he could see it in his eyes. They looked just like Lily's, and they were just as expressive. "It's okay, you can tell me, I promise I won't be mad.", James told him as gently as possible.

Harry chewed on his lip for a moment before deciding to answer. "I was bad... So I went into the closet.", he explained and James felt his heart seize in his chest.

"You- you weren't bad. Why would you think that?", James asked, his mouth dry all of a sudden.

"I eavesdropped on your conversation... About the necklace... And Lily caught me.", Harry replied guilty, focusing his eyes on the ground. 

"I'm sure that Lily wasn't mad at you, though. What did she say?", James asked. He couldn't imagine Lily snapping at their son. He must've misunderstood something.

"That I should go to my room.", Harry replied.

"So you went to your-", James started as he realized what had happened here. This made a lot more sense to him. Lily probably just wanted to remove Harry from the conversation but since his 'bedroom' used to be a cage, he thought that he was being punished. James felt a pang of sorrow and anger. Sorrow for his son and anger at everyone who had let him get hurt. But James couldn't loose himself in his own feelings right now. He had to be there for Harry.

"Alright. Harry... I know that this is difficult but things are a little different here.", He started. "First of, you never, ever have to go back into the closet, okay? No matter how much you believe you messed up. We don't lock away the people we love, okay?" He waited until Harry gave him a shaky nod before continuing. "Okay, moving on. Eavesdropping isn't good, obviously. We were talking about some very serious topics that aren't for kids but being curious doesn't make you bad. I was actually the same when I was your age. So I'm not mad, and neither is Lily, and nobody is punishing you, okay?"

Harry took a moment to think it over, like he was looking for a catch. Then he looked up at James again and said:"Okay."

"Want to come out of the closet now?", James asked, offering his hand to Harry.

"Yes.", Harry nodded, taking James' big hand with his little one. James stood up and pulled Harry to his feet again, leading him out of the closet and into his bedroom again. They were met by Sirius and Regulus and James knew the expressions on both of their faces. It was recognition. The two brothers probably understood what Harry was going through way better than James ever could.

"Okay, come on, it's time for lunch.", James announced before leading their little group downstairs again.

In the kitchen Sirius and James finished unpacking the groceries before starting to cook some macaroni with tomato sauce. Regulus kept Harry occupied, showing him more spells and explaining the history behind them. Harry was enamored with magic and eager to soak up any knowledge about it he could. Seeing him this excited made James' heart flutter. And he was equally glad that Harry seemed to really like Regulus. James really wanted Regulus to feel like part of their family, he knew how lonely the younger man had been in his past life.

When dinner was done they all ate together. Sirius showed off his new wand and they all told Harry about Diagon Alley and all the wonderful magical shops you could find there.

Once they finished their food, Sirius charmed it to wash itself before standing up to announce something to them.

"Now that we have some free time on our hands, I actually got you something.", Sirius claimed, pointing at Harry.

"Me?", Harry asked surprised.

"Yes, exactly, consider it an early Christmas present. ", Sirius shrugged before heading out to the foyer again where he dropped the rest of their shopping bags.

"I don't get presents.", Harry mumbled under his breath but James still heard him.

"Well, now you do, so get used to it. ", he told him with a wide grin and Harry dared to smile a little as well.

In that moment Sirius returned to the kitchen with a long slim package in his hands and James' own heart skipped a beat. "You got him a broom!", he exclaimed in excitement. He hadn't even thought that far ahead yet. He'd get to teach Harry how to fly now!

"Don't tell!", Sirius groaned dramatically.

"It's pretty obviously shaped.", Regulus pointed out but Harry still seemed puzzled.

He accepted the present and unwrapped it, revealing the brand new racing broom but his expression stayed confused. "A broom? For cleaning?", He asked carefully and James couldn't help but to chuckle.

"No! For flying! And playing Quidditch.", He explained and now that he had mentioned flying the excitement was also kicking in with Harry.

His eyes grew wide and he grasped the broom in his hands a little tighter before asking:"What's Quidditch?"

James felt something... Something warm in his chest. This was real, this could be his life again. He'd get to teach Harry about Quidditch and see him play, he'd get to raise him and see him grow up. James got a second chance. A chance to be a dad. It was more than he could've hoped for.

"Oh, this is gonna be so much fun. ", Sirius chuckled, absolutely right.

~

When Remus returned from his cottage with his mobile phone he listened where everyone was in the house. James, Sirius, Regulus and Harry were all in the kitchen. The last bit of conversation he heard was James explaining the basic rules of Quidditch, then he tuned them out, opting to sit down on the stairs in the foyer instead.

He knew that he should join them, he should try to get along with Sirius, he should get over his dumb fucking feelings. But Remus was stubborn and he could hold a hell of a grudge and he knew that he didn't have the right to be mad but he still was. So he stayed by himself, waiting for Lily.

He believed her when she said that they didn't really suspect him. Remus could often tell when someone was lying, he could hear her heartbeat, she had been honest. Just as Sirius had been honest when he admitted that he suspected Remus because of his lycanthropy.

Remus heard a loud CRACK right in front of him as Lily appeared, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"I've got the phonebook!", She announced, holding up the thick book in her hands.

"I've got the phone.", Remus nodded, getting to his feet and holding up the big brick shaped phone in his hand.

"Oh wow, that's handy.", Lily remarked. Phones had gotten a lot more portable in the last few years, they didn't even necessarily need cords anymore.

"Where are Harry and the others?", she asked, raking her neck to look past Remus like she'd see them all hiding in the hallway.

"Sirius bought Harry a broom and now they are explaining Quidditch to him. ", Remus explained and a smile split on Lily's lips.

"That's so nice of him!", she exclaimed before seemingly remembering that Remus and Sirius weren't on the best of terms right now. "Sorry.", She added, her tone apologetic.

"It's okay. I'm gonna get over this.", Remus sighed, hoping that he wasn't lying to himself. He didn't want to be angry, he didn't want to feel betrayed anymore.

"Have you checked already?", He asked, pointing at the book, hoping to change the subject.

"No, not yet, I went back immediately. ", Lily said and he could tell that she was nervous as she paged through the alphabet. It took a moment for her to find the right page. "There are seven Marlene McKinnons in London. ",She pointed out.

"Then tell me their numbers. I think it's better if I talk to her first.", Remus said. If they really reached Marlene right now, it would probably be better, if he explained Lily and James' return to her first instead of surprising her with her dead friend's voice.

They tried 5 of the numbers without any success, either reaching people who weren't their Marlene or not reaching anyone at all. Remus just dialled Marlene Nr. 6 number when a familiar voice answered the phone.

"McKinnon here!"

"Hello, is this Marlene McKinnon?", Remus asked, his mouth had gone dry, he was pretty sure that this was her.

"Who's asking?", She asked and Remus was certain now.

"Marlene? It's Remus. Remus Lupin!", he exclaimed and Lily's face lit up with excitement.

"Remus- How did you find me?", Marlene asked, her voice had gone shaky, uncertain.

"The phone book.",he replied and he could hear a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.

"Shit.", Marlene whispered.

This wasn't a good sign but Remus still went on. "Marlene, I need to see you, we need your help- something crazy happened and-"

He didn't get much further. Marlene promptly cut him off. "Remus, I'm sorry, I can't do this." And then she ended the call.

"What did she say?", Lily asked anxiously as Remus stared down at the phone in his hands.

"She hung up on me!", he complained and a confused expression crossed Lily's face.

"Well, try again!", She ordered and Remus tried her number again. This time his call got declined immediately.

"She declined the phone call.", He stated before looking up at Lily. She was wearing a thoughtful expression, like she was already contemplating the next step. "What now?", He asked her.

"Well, there is an address listed under her number.", Lily pointed out and there next step was clear. They were off to pay their old friend a visit.

~

Here's what happened. Marlene McKinnon died along side her family. Targeted by Voldemort for their profession and special talents, they all got wiped out together, their bodies lined up next to each other, her two sisters, her parents, her aunt, her grandmother. The McKinnons were gone.

Except, Marlene wasn't there. She wasn't home when they died, didn't get to say goodbye, didn't even get to attend the funeral, not even her own. There used to be an empty grave with her name on it. Of course they took that down once they found her.

Weeks after Voldemort's defeat, after her friends all died, after Sirius went to prison, after Marlene was tortured until barely anything of her was left, they found her.

It was too late, it didn't matter. Everything was gone anyways. She spent months in St Mungo's, trying to piece her fractured mind back together. She could barely remember herself and everyone that could've helped was gone. Gone. _Gone_. All that was left was pain, everything _hurt_ , remembering _hurt_. Alice and Frank were next door. For a long time it seemed like she was as shattered as them.

But Marlene got better, the Longbottoms didn't. It wasn't a relief, remembering who's she was ment remembering who she had lost. And being reminded of theall all the time didn't help either. There was nothing left that wasn't drenched in the memories of the people that weren't there anymore. She could barely stand to be in her own home, knowing what had happened there. How her whole family got slaughtered there.

So as soon as Marlene was released from the Ministry's custody, she packed her entire life into neat little boxes, took her family fortune that she had inherited, exchanged the money into the muggle currency and then she left.

There was nothing but pain left in the wizarding world. Time to move on to a new world. She bought a town house in the city, furnished so that she didn't have to bring anything. It's like she was moving into someone else's life. It's what she needed.

She didn't leave the house for weeks at first, spending days and nights trying to learn how to work muggle technology, figuring out how their world functioned, their government, their rules and laws, their behaviour. It gave her something to focus on, something besides her crushing loneliness.

Marlene made herself into a new person. She left her old bones behind to rot and made herself a new body out of the broken shards of her past. It was fragile, her new self, and she sheltered it. She didn't make friends, didn't date, didn't go out. She used to have friends and family and a lover, it hadn't ended well. Marlene was well aware of her own capabilities, loosing anyone else would destroy her. It wasn't worth the risk.

She got herself a job as a barista in a nearby coffee shop. Not because she needed the money but because she needed something to do. And she liked being on her feet, doing simple tasks, and she liked the smell of the coffee. Plus, that way she could interact with people in a safe way, she met dozens of safe strangers every day, she had nice colleagues that she got along with but didn't have to bond with.

Was it a lonely life? Perhaps. But it was save, too.

Marlene found other ways to occupy herself. She went to music shows, never Bowie or Queen because that was Sirius and never Stevie Nicks because that only made her think of Lily and Mary, but there were others that she enjoyed. She got obsessed with muggle art and went to pretty much every gallery and exhibit she found out about, she spend hours in cafés watching people and guessing what their life was like, if they were happy, if their hearts were untouched by darkness.

Some days she'd see something, like a girl with the same fiery red hair, or a mother with three girls or she'd hear a laugh that's sounded just as warm and deep as her love's and she'd break down, crash and burn, but not for long.

Marlene got very good at picking herself back up, at reassemblimg the broken shards that she was made of.

Marlene didn't use magic, hadn't in years, her wand was locked away into a safe little drawer in her study. Like many other things, she couldn't stand magic these days. The feeling of it coursing through her body, the taste and smell of it, it didn't excite her anymore, it only filled her with dread. So she locked it away with everything else.

Marlene learned to cook and clean like a muggle, to dress and talk like them, to work and live and travel like they did. She needed it, the normalcy, the safety.

Being a muggle was safe. If she were born a muggle her family wouldn't have been murdered and she could still visit their house on the country side. If she were born a muggle all her friends would be done with uni by now and would be starting their family's and raising their kids. And if she were born a muggle and everyone she loved were muggles, too, then Dorcas and her could still be together, building a home, starting a life and family themselves.

She couldn't have all of that, it was too late, but she could have the safety of never having to go through that again.

She wasn't happy, happiness wasn't an option anymore. But she was managing, which was more than anyone had expected. She was okay.

And then Remus called and threw a wrench into her fragile peace. Marlene didn't have anything against Remus, not at all. They used to be friends and he was probably the only person that could even slightly understand her loss. But they were the wrong people to survive. They weren't close enough to really be there for each other and they were both too hurt to even try at all. So they didn't talk much and then Marlene left and that was that. Until he called.

 _"We need your help- something crazy happened and-"_ That's what he had said. The dread was back in a instant and all she could think about was the war, Voldemort, people dying, _again_. And then that little voice in her head spoke up. The thing that had been keeping her alive, the thing that had spend years piecing her back together. Her wounded survival instinct spoke up and it was not impressed.

They voice told her that it wasn't her issue anymore, that she had already lost enough and that there was nobody left to protect, anyways.

The Voice was right, Marlene couldn't do this, not again. So she hung up. She wrapped her hands around her fragile glass body protectively. She couldn't afford to break again.

And then her doorbell rang.

"Hey, Marlene-"Remus started and Marlene immediately tried to close the door on him.

"No!", She exclaimed but Remus got his foot in the door and tried to force his way inside. He was way stronger than he looked.

"Marlene- We need to talk-", he tried again. Marlene still couldn't believe that he really turned up here.

"You can't just show up at my house!", She yelled when suddenly someone else spoke up.

"And here I was, thinking that I'd always be welcome at your home.", a familiar voice said and Lily Evans showed up behind Remus with a careful smile on her lips.

Marlene's heart skipped a beat, she stumbled back, letting go of the door and pressing her back against the wall behind her. Lily Evans, her best friend, was stepping into her house. Lily, who she shared birthdays and Christmas parties with. Lily, who was the first person Marlene told about her crush on Dorcas. Lily, who had been like a sister to Marlene, who was just as much part of her family as her blood relatives. Lily, who was murdered when she was 21.

"What- what the fuck- you- you died- you- ", Marlene whispered frantically. She looked so real, so alive. But the image was also somehow wrong. She looked exactly the same as she had 7 years ago. It made sense in a way, the dead didn't age, Lily would always stay 21 in her mind.

But this wasn't a hallucination or an apparition. Remus could see her, too, so...

"Remus- what did you do?!", Marlene gasped. Whatever this was, it had to be _dark_ magic. Necromancy was _never_ good and always came at a price.

Remus looked appalled and Lily had the audacity to chuckle. "Why does everyone think that I had something to do with this? As if the combined forces of James' complete disregard for rules and your stubbornness wouldn't be enough to get you to drag your way back here.", Remus complained while Lily still laughed on. Nothing made any sense whatsoever.

"What Remus is trying to say is that he didn't engage in necromancy. James and I came back all by ourselves.", Lily then clarified, except, her words didn't _clarify_ anything. People couldn't just _come back_ as they pleased. The dead were supposed to stay dead.

"How...?!", Marlene whispered, her chest heaving with every breath she took. Lily and Remus came closer, they shut the door behind them, Marlene felt light-headed. This shouldn't be possible. It shouldn't, but she could feel the warmth of Lily's body radiating off of her, could see the light in her eyes. _Alive_. Marlene was waiting to wake up, to snap out of this delusion.

"It's a long story but the short version is that James and I were...you know... And in the afterlife you can kind of tune into the lives of the people you care about. And we saw that things were pretty messed up down here so... I brought us back.", Lily tried and Marlene wanted to believe her but everything she knew about the laws of magic told her that there should be a catch. It seemed too good to be true.

"Are you real...like...really?!", Marlene asked, and she hated how hysteric her voice sounded to her own ears. She reached out carefully, until Lily stepped closer and took her hand into hers. She was so goddamn real, it made Marlene's heart ache.

"Yes, I'm back, so is James. We're back, we're alive, and so are you.", Lily told her gently and there was something in her eyes, something that made Marlene feel like she was looking into a mirror, like they both couldn't believe that the other one was real. "We also brought you the daily prophet to prove it. It's all in there.", Lily then added, using one of her hands to pull the paper out of her coat pocket.

Marlene let go of Lily's hand to take the paper and she was met with the headline. **_POTTERS BACK FROM THE DEAD!_** She skimmed the article but got stuck on the pictures. They showed James, Lily and...

"Is that Regulus Black?", She asked. Wasn't he supposed to be dead, too?

"Yeah, he's back, too. We brought him along.", Lily nodded.

"Why?!", Marlene asked, pulling a face. As a pureblood she never had many direct issues with the nasty Slytherins that picked on her friends but she could still remember the people Regulus surrounded himself with. Mulciber, who's favourite victim was Mary, who he later killed. Snape, who used to be Lily's friend until he turned on her, too. And Barty Crouch Jr. who tortured the Longbottoms into insanity. And of course the Black name brought more than enough darkness with itself, even when they didn't expect it.

"He's our friend now.", Lily claimed and she sounded so sure, like it was that simple. "Also, Sirius was innocent.", She then added, turning over the paper in Marlene's hand until she saw the second headline. **_SIRIUS_** ** _BLACK INNOCENT_**!

"What?!", Marlene gasped out. The hits just kept coming, like she was getting run over by a truck over and over again.

"Yeah, Peter was the secret keeper and he framed Sirius-", Remus chimed in but Marlene could barely hear him anymore. She used to love Sirius, he was one of her best friends, her first lover, her family. But then... then he betrayed them and everyone was dead and all the evidence... It all pointed towards him and Marlene believed... She bought it. Because everything else was already so fucked up that this might as well happen. But now she was supposed to believe that he had been innocent this whole time, that he spend _years_ in Azkaban, that everyone had abandoned him-

"I'm having a mental breakdown. ", Marlene whispered, rubbing her hands over her face and pulling at her long blond hair.

"Trust me, I know exactly how you're feeling.", Remus told her, a note of sympathy in his tone.

Marlene felt Lily take a hold of her shoulders and she looked up at her best friend, her eyes as green and sympathetic as ever. "I promise that I'll explain everything to you in detail, okay? But for now, know that I really missed you-", she told her and Marlene just wanted her close, just wanted to breath in her smell and feel her warmth and her heartbeat. She want this to be real. She _needed_ it to be real.

So she leaned in and wrapped her arms around Lily, burying her head in her shoulder and Lily embraced her in return. God, she had missed her so much. "I love you, Lily. You know that, right? I didn't say it enough and then- then everyone was gone- and I-I couldn't-"

"I love you, too. ", Lily whispered back.

They stayed like that for a while, just holding onto each other. Once they seperated again Marlene held Lily at an arms length, just checking her over again. "So, you're back... What now? Any plans for the rest of your life?", She asked, not sure how to handle this situation yet.

"We're not really thinking about that right now. We have more pressing issues.", Lily claimed and Marlene remembered that Remus had said that they needed her help.

"What issues?", she asked.

"How much do you know about Horcruxes?", Remus wanted to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marlene: I don't need friends, they just die on me
> 
> ~
> 
> Marlene: When there's to much drama in the wizarding world  
> Marlene: All you gotta do is  
> Marlene: walk awayayayayyyyy
> 
> ~
> 
> Marlene and Lily: *standing there like the two Spidermen meme*  
> Marlene: I thought you were dead  
> Lily: no, I thought YOU were dead


	11. And they were soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this chapter specifically because I was really excited writing it. That's why it was finished so quickly. So leave any and all thoughts in the comments!

After their lunch, James, Regulus and Sirius took Harry outside for his first flying lesson. Lily and Harry had found several old brooms on their scavenger hunt through the mansion so they all picked one and Harry took his new racing broom proudly and off they were.

"Okay, so you start by saying UP and holding your hand over the broom. Like this. ", James explained once they had picked a spot on the hill near the house. Sirius watched with amusement as Regulus and James tried to teach Harry how to best handle his broom. Sure, Sirius loved flying and Quidditch as much as the next guy but James and Regulus had both been obsessed with it back in school, apparently death hadn't changed that.

"You have to tell the broom what to do, like an order. Believe that he'll do what you want.", Regulus advised as Harry held his hand over the broom on the floor.

"UP!", Harry ordered and without a second of hesitation the broom flew up into his little hand. They all cheered for the little boy and a bashful smile spread on Harry's lips.

"Yes! That's what I'm talking about!", James exclaimed before continuing his lesson. "Okay, now you can take a seat on it, yes, like that."

"Try holding it a little higher up. It's better for stirring. ", Regulus interjected. Sirius left them to it, taking a seat on his own broom and preparing for take off. He couldn't wait to fly again.

"Okay, now I'll count to three and then you'll push yourself off the ground as hard as you can. Remember what we taught you about stirring. And don't worry, Reg, Padfoot and me will be right there next to you in case anything goes wrong.

James and Regulus got on their brooms as well and on the count of three they all pushed themselves off the ground. Sirius might've overdone it a bit and shot up way higher and way quicker than necessary but could you blame him? He had missed this.

James and Regulus stayed firmly by Harry's side as they guided him through different flying manoeuvres, taught him how to slow down and speed up, how to take sharp turns and fly donuts.

Soon the air was filled with childish laughter and Sirius realized that he hadn't heard Harry laugh like that ever since he was a baby.

He kept his distance, just satisfied with watching James do his dad-thing. Not that Regulus did the same. Then again, James and Regulus almost moved like a unit now. It was a little starling and Sirius was still battling his jealousy but he couldn't stay mad for long, not when Harry was this happy.

He wasn't sure how much time they spend soaring through the air. Soon Harry didn't let himself be guided anymore, his broom was way faster than any of theirs and he started to make use of it's speed, flying circles around each of them. When they started to play tag-you're-it it was nearly impossible to catch him. Kid would make a great seeker on day.

They only returned to the ground once they heard a loud CRACK coming from the house. Remus and Lily had apparated next to it with a third person, shorter than both of them, dressed in Muggle clothes with long blond hair. She used to wear her hair straight but now she had a wild mane of messy curls.

"Marlene!", James yelled with a wide grin and the two of them ran towards each other, crossing the field between them until they crashed into each other. Sirius and Regulus gathered up the brooms and followed with Harry between them.

"James! I can't believe you're really here.", Marlene said with a disbelieving laugh and Sirius knew what she ment. He couldn't believe that any of them were really here. Marlene looked good, after what Remus had told them about her, Sirius had been worried but she really looked good, even if the years had changed her. Gone was the cheeky spitfire of a girl that Sirius had first met when they were 11. An older, more hardened woman had taken her place. She was still beautiful but even when she grinned and enveloped James in her arms, the expression looked like it wasn't familiar to her face anymore. Like she hadn't had much joy in the past years. None of them had.

"It is pretty unbelievable. How are you? ", James asked, once they seperated.

Marlene still looked like she didn't quite trust him to be real, staring at James with wide eyes and her mouth slightly agape. "I- I should ask you that, how does it feel to come back from the dead?"

"You know, weird. We missed too much time but we'll try to make up for it now.", James stated before glancing at Harry who was currently hiding behind James' legs. Marlene's attention shifted to the little boy and a kind smile spread on her lips as she crouched down.

"Apropos missed time, you must be Harry! You're so big!", she said enthusiastically.

Harry regarded her carefully, as he always did, before stepping out of his hiding place and approaching the woman. "You were in Lily's photo album. You're Marlene, right?", he asked curiously.

Marlene's smile spread into something more genuine, something more real. It was happy, really, even if the look in her eyes was heartbreaking. "Yes I am! Last time I saw you you were tiny! But look at you now!"

"I'm still not all that big. I'm the shortest boy in my year.", Harry complained.

"If you're anything like your father you'll hit a growth spurt when your 15. He used to be a little scrawny, too. Almost got whipped off his broom by the wind.", Marlene waved him off and a tiny grin appeared on Harry's lips.

"I'm learning to fly now, too!", he claimed proudly.

"Oh really? How's it going?", Marlene asked with genuine interest and for a moment it felt like no time had passed at all. Like none of them had died and suffered and all of them were just a bunch of Quidditch-obsessed friends, ready to see Harry play at his first Quidditch little leagues game.

"He's a natural. I can't wait to teach him Quidditch.", James stated proudly, ruffling Harry's already messy hair and Harry seemed to soak up the praise like he couldn't get enough of it.

"Kid's gonna be a hell of a seeker one day.", Sirius claimed and Marlene froze, the smile dropping off her lips as her eyes found Sirius. Somehow she hadn't noticed him yet, too enamored with James and Harry. Now Sirius had done it, he had broken the moment and everything was real and painful again.

"Sirius-", Marlene whispered, her voice choked up as her eyes raked over his body. Most of it was covered by his coat so she just glared at his face and Sirius knew that it wasn't good, that even cleaned and cared for, he still looked like a corpse. The effects of Azkaban would linger for a while longer, maybe forever.

"Hello Marly.", He said quietly and his heart ached because all of this was too good. He had his family back, all of them, even his idiot brother. And sure, Remus could barely look at him and Lily was definitely not as fine as she pretended and Regulus had a death wish and James had no idea how to handle his traumatized son and Marlene had secluded herself for years but they were all _alive_ and _real_ and _here_. It was more than Sirius could've ever wished for.

"Harry, let's go back inside and prepare tea, okay?", Lily said, taking Harry by his hand and leading him back to the house and the rest of the group took this as their queue to leave Sirius and Marlene by themselves.

"Why are Sirius and Marlene not coming?", Harry asked as they walked off.

"They haven't seen each other in a long time and need to catch up by themselves.", James explained and then they were alone.

For a moment they just stood there, staring at each other. Sirius heart had always belonged to Remus but Marlene... Merlin, Sirius had missed her like a lung. Her and James. If Remus was his heart, the love of his stupid wretched life, than Marlene and James were his lungs, they were his best friends, they gave him life. It was only fitting that in the last few years, without any of them, he'd felt like a dead man walking. But now everyone was back in place and Sirius felt like he could finally breathe.

"You look amazing-", he finally said at the same time as she started to say:"Sirius I'm so-"

They both fell silent for a moment but this time Marlene was the first one to speak up. "Thanks...", She mumbled, nervously looking to the ground before meeting Sirius' eyes again. He was surprised by the guilt that he found in them. "Sirius, I don't even know how to begin to apologize-"

"Marlene, there's nothing you could've done.", He quickly cut her off. He had spend the last 7 years believing that she was dead. He didn't have the energy to resent yet another person that he loved.

"I could've believe in my instincts.", Marlene argued, so determined to prove her guilt to Sirius. Like she wanted him to be mad. Like he could ever be mad at her again after standing at her empty grave. "I could've believed in you. I could've visited and gotten your side of the story. I'm sorry that I didn't.", She said and Sirius shook his head.

"You had enough on your plate.", He insisted and it was true. He couldn't even imagine what Marlene had been through, couldn't even grasp how she survived it.

"So you heard?", She asked, kicking at a stone on the ground.

"Yes, Remus told us what you've been through. I don't blame you for getting as far away from everything as possible. Really. I'm just so glad that you're alive.", He told her and she looked up at him with a look of surprised.

"Wait, you didn't know?", She asked and Sirius felt a bitter smile pull at his lips.

"Who would've told me, Marly?", He asked her and Marlene cocked her head to one side, her big green eyes glistening, her bottom lip trembling. And suddenly all the space between them was gone and Marlene was wrapping her arms around Sirius' waist and burying her face in his chest.

"Oh Sirius-", she whispered and Sirius thought that she might've started crying. Judging by the damp feeling on his cheeks, he had, too.

"How are you? Really.", He asked her, clinging to her tiny body and breathing in her smell. He had forgotten how she smelled, how she felt when he held her in his arms. "I need to know that you're really here, these last few days feel too much like an amazing dream anyways."

Marlene seperated a little from him, just enough to look at his face. "I'm- I'm coping. It was lonely, but it was better that way. Less room for pain.", She shrugged and Sirius felt like sobbing.

"Was?", He asked hopefully.

"Yes. Was. Past tense. Lily Evans showing up on my doorstep, recently revived and determined to safe the world is pretty much the best reason to get back into wizarding business.", Marlene explained.

"So you know about the Horcrux?"

"Why else would they get me?", Marlene asked dismissively and Sirius pulled his eyebrows into a frown.

"Because you're our friend and all of us thought that we'd never see you again.", He claimed, entirely genuine.

Marlene rolled with her eyes but her smile was lovely when she reached up to brush her hand against Sirius' cheek. "Good to see that Azkaban didn't get rid of your dramatic streak.", she then said cheekily, and there she was! His Marlene.

"Hey! It's too early to joke about that!", He complained but Marlene brushed him off with a chuckle.

"Oh come on, I know you. Humor ist how you cope. ", She stated and Sirius couldn't contain the grin on his lips. Because he had been afraid that things wouldn't be the same, that they couldn't be. But she was still his Marlene and he was still her Sirius. They still knew each other, even if they were completely different people now.

Sirius didn't think, he just acted, pulling her close and placing a kiss on her forehead.

"What was that for?, Marlene chuckled.

"I'm just really glad to have you back.", Sirius replied and the smile on her face deepened.

"Right back at you. "

They stayed like this for a moment longer, just basking in the last rays of light as the sun started to set behind the hills.

Eventually the cold started to creep into Sirius' bones. His tolerance for chilly weather had gotten considerably worse since Azkaban. So he separated from Marlene so that he could shift to her side, laying one of his arms over her shoulders while she instinctively wrapped one of hers around his back.

"Come on, we should head inside, or they'll think we're snogging again. Like in fifth year, do you remember? ", he asked with a cheeky grin as they headed back to the house.

Marlene's face looked puzzled for a moment, then she looked to the ground. "Yeah, sure...", She agreed but it didn't sound very convincing.

"You forgot! You forgot the day we snuck out to the greenhouses and got so fucking stoned that we missed dinner and everyone thought that we were back together?", Sirius asked, playfully offended but the smile on his lips died when Marlene looked up at him again.

"Sirius, I don't remember a lot of things.", She said, and she didn't sound mad or offended, just... Sad. And Sirius remembered what Remus had told them about Marlene's mental state after they had found her.

"Oh shit- I'm so sorry-", he gasped but Marlene quickly waved him off.

"It's okay, I don't really notice the gaps anymore, sometimes a couple memories still return, fractions, but some things will probably stay gone forever. ", She shrugged as if this wasn't incredibly heartbreaking. "Most of it is still there, though. There's a lot of good still there.", She insisted, looking at Sirius like she needed him to know this, to remember that there had been good times. Maybe she could tell that he had problems with that, too.

"I hope that the good will keep coming back to me, too. ", He mumbled and Marlene raised her eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

Sirius sighed, looking to the sky as he tried to gather the right words. Talking about Azkaban was hard, it felt too real, too close. Like he could wake up back in his cell any minute. But this was Marlene and he wanted to talk to her. "Long time effects of dementors. In Azkaban you- you don't necessarily forget the good times but you can't recall them, all you can do is drown in pain and fear and sorrow. Like all the good you ever experienced is getting wiped away and covered by pitch black ink."

"How poetic.", Marlene commented drily.

"Oh, shut it!", Sirius smirked, not at all offended.

"Fine, I will. Do you really want that, though?", She asked, already knowing the answer.

"No.", He admitted before continuing where he left off. "Anyways, even now that they're gone and I'm free, it's still hard to access the happy stuff. Like, I can't stop dwelling on everything that went wrong. "

"I know what you mean, and I'm sorry.", Marlene said after a moment of silence. The thing is, Sirius believed her, but he still didn't want her apologies, he didn't need them.

"Again, you couldn't have changed anything.", He insisted but Marlene was as stubborn as him, shaking her head.

"Still, you deserve for people to be sorry, you deserve their fucking grovelling.", She claimed and she sounded so bloody sure of herself, so righteous and angry that Sirius' heart skipped a beat for her.

"You know that I fucking love you, right?", He asked, pulling her a little closer and Marlene smiled up at him like she always used to.

"Of course you do, what's not to love?"

~

Being back with all her friends felt like a surreal dream. Marlene was just waiting to wake up in her bed at home again and realize that none of it had been real but she was here, really here.

Lily and Remus had prepared tea by the time Marlene and Sirius returned to the house and they all gathered in the kitchen. Eating together, talking about this and that, easy topics that weren't too dark for Harry, what Marlene had been up to, what Remus had done with his life, how Harry liked his new magical life.

Eventually they were all stuffed full with biscuits and scones and it was time to get back to business.

"Harry, we need to talk about some adult things again. Can you go play in your room for a bit?", Lily eventually asked the little boy. He was a peculiar child. When Harry used to be a baby he was loud, cheerful, a tiny ray of sunlight in the middle of pitch black times. The boy Marlene met now was quiet, serious, weary. He only really spoke when spoken to. He observed everything with guarded watchful eyes. And Marlene had noticed that every once in a while, when he thought that no one was watching him, he slipped cookies and biscuits from his plate into his pockets. She didn't mention it, didn't let her own concern show but she'd have to ask Lily for details about his upbringing later. All that she had been told after James and Lily's deaths and her return was that he was safe, she had been too out of her mind to ask for specifics.

"Sure.", The kid shrugged, slipping off his chair and making his way out of the kitchen.

"And Harry!", James called out, getting the boy to stop and look back at them. "No eavesdropping.", He said but it sounded less like a warning and more like a joke, followed by a grin and a wink.

A tiny smile appeared on the boys face as he nodded before leaving to go upstair. Once he was out of earshot Lily cast a silencing charm and things got serious.

"Okay, show off the wretched thing.", Marlene ordered, looking around the people gathered around the table. Regulus was the one to reach for the chain around his neck and reveal the locket he had been hiding under his robes and immediately, even before he handed it to Marlene, she got assaulted with the nasty rotten smell of it's magic.

"Oh...fuck! I don't even need a spell to feel that that thing is evil, eww.", she sneered as she took the thing into her hands. Everyone in her family was quite sensitive to magic and could feel it out in a way that normal wizards couldn't, it's what made them so good at their job.

"Yeah, it's practically dripping with dark magic. ", Regulus replied bitterly. Marlene didn't know how to feel about the young man, yet. Lily hadn't explained in detail how and why they were friends now, only that Regulus was on their side. And while Marlene trusted her friend, she didn't trust Regulus. Not after all the things she had experienced during the war.

"I am surprised that it bothers you enough to notice. I had thought that you'd be used to it.", She mumbled as she inspected the locket closer.

"Marlene-", Lily sighed but Marlene wasn't listening. She had pulled out her wand. Even after all these years it still felt warm and familiar in her hands. She cast a few easy charms, made sparks appear, made her plate float, transfigured her cup into a goblet and back. Having magic running through her veins again felt intoxicating, she hadn't even noticed how much she had missed it.

"What are you doing?", Regulus asked, watching her antics with a confused frown.

"Just doing a few warm up charms, I haven't used magic in 5 years.", She explained.

"What?!", Almost all of them gasped in unison.

"I left the wizarding world behind, all of it.", Marlene simply shrugged before focusing on the subject at hand again.

"Can you even do this, still?", Regulus asked wearily and Marlene gave him a sharp look in return.

"This sort of magic is like riding a bike, dung brains, and my family practically invented the wheel so get off my back.", She spat. She was already anxious enough, she didn't need a little death eater questioning her abilities on top of that.

Without another word, she closed her eyes, pointed her wand at her own temple and whispered the familiar spell. _Sphaera_ _Revelara_ _._

It was a difficult spell and it only worked for few witches and wizard. You had to have a certain talent for detecting magic and even then it still needed a lot of skill to perfect. But if you were gifted and got the hang of it, the spell could make you see magic, it's residue, it's effects, it could help you identify individual magical signatures and see people's magical auras. It was like looking at their souls.

Marlene opened her eyes and looked at the locket in her hand which was now surrounded by a black pulsing aura, radiating off of it like a spreading disease. "Oh fuck yeah. I've still got it.", She chuckled in triumph.

"What do you see?", Lily asked anxiously.

"It's disgusting and covered in Voldemort's magical signature. And not in the way that a normal curse would leave. No. There's definitely a piece of him in there. ", She replied. The pulsing aura almost felt like a heartbeat. It was repulsive.

"How can you tell the difference?", Regulus asked curiously.

"Curses only leave an echo of the casters signature.", She explained, it would've been much fainter if it had just been a curse. "This is like looking at a very small human. It's like looking at their soul and-" In that moment Marlene finally looked up at her friends and realized how insane their auras looked. "Holy fuck!"

"What?!", Lily asked, sounding concerned by her sudden outburst.

"What's up with your souls?!", Marlene asked, staring at the milky white mess in front of her.

"What do you mean?", Sirius asked but Marlene was too fascinated with what she was seeing to pay him any attention.

"This looks so weird!", She exclaimed but she could already feel a smile pulling at her lips. Discovering something new in the world of magic was always a thrill and Marlene was pretty sure that this had never happened before.

"Marlene, will you share with the class what you're seeing?", James asked, sounding a little annoyed and Marlene realized that they might have no idea that anything was wrong with them.

"Yeah, sorry. Okay, so this spells allows me to see people's auras. Their aura is basically a mix of their soul and their magical signature. Everyone's is unique and there's very few things that can alter an aura and even then you can't change it entirely. Lily's, for example used to be light green, fresh, like grass with streaks of red and white. We used to joke with my sister's that her aura looked like Christmas decorations. James' was golden, which I never told you because it would just go to your head-", she tried to explain before she got cut off by Lily.

"Wait, used to be? As in, it isn't anymore?", She asked concerned.

"No! That's the thing. You're aura is silvery white now, which is unlike any aura I've seen before. It's kind of like looking at a ghost.",Marlene explained. She'd never seen an entirely white aura before, it didn't happen. But that wasn't even the exciting part.

"Wait, which one's aura is white?", Remus asked, his eyebrows pulled into a confused frown.

"That's the other thing! You three", she pointed at James, Lily and Regulus."- don't have individual aura's anymore. You all share the same one- It's- It's crazy. It's like you're not registering as seperate people anymore. ", She tried to explain. It was a fascinating sight. The white silvery light pulsing around all of them, one giant mist, enveloping them all. And it wasn't like they were just sitting too close. Sirius' dark red and royal blue aura and Remus' yellow and dark brown didn't mingle with theirs at all, even if they sat right next to them.

"Well...", Regulus mumbled but Marlene cut him off.

"Wait, I wanna see what happens when you seperate. Get up and walk away from each other. ", She ordered and the trio decided to humour her, getting up and spreading out into three separate corners of the room.

Marlene had to close her gaping mouth. "Holy shit, this is fascinating.", She whispered in awe, drumming her fingers against her lips as she watched their collective white aura stretch into strings that got thinner and thinner the more they seperated but never snapped off.

"What is it?", Regulus asked, impatiently.

"It's like strings between all of you, like glue that's stretching. I've never seen anything like it, never even heard about it.", She explained. This might be the coolest thing she'd ever seen.

"It's probably because of the mind melt.", Remus claimed.

"The what now?"

"When we passed through the veil something happened. We sort of melted into each other, if that makes sense, and now we are mentally connected. ", Lily explained from her corner of the room before the three of them launched into an explanation of how their new mental link allowed them to share their mental, emotional and physical state.

"This is the coolest shit I've ever heard of.", Marlene said at the end before a new idea formed in her mind. "Wait-", she said before getting up and approaching James to quickly punch him in his arm.

"What was that for?!", He exclaimed as him and Regulus both flinched but Marlene could only stare at the strings vibrating and flinching like little lightning bolts. Like firing synapses in a brain. The curious thing was that the effects of the physical pain didn't just stay between James and Regulus, the fired at Lily, too, and then they bounced off of her and back at the boys, and that circle continued over and over again until it finally died off.

"Holy fuck!"

"Marlene, please explain why you just assaulted us.", James asked, definitely annoyed now.

"Did you feel that?", Marlene asked, turning to Lily.

"I mean, not physically, but I did get James' annoyance and Regulus complaining in my head.", Lily shrugged and Marlene's mind was racing a mile a minute, trying to make sense of this.

"Okay, wait, I'll show you what I'm seeing. ", She said before using her wand to draw three golden circles into the air.

"This is you.", she stated, pointing at the circles before starting to draw the lightning bolts between them. "And when you feel a sensation, be it physical or emotional, you share it, over and over again. It bounces off of each of you and goes back to the others over and over again. You're like an emotional echo chamber. Have you noticed that things feel more intense soccer you've gotten back?", She asked as she made the bolts jump around the three circles.

"Yes, but I thought that that was just because we weren't used to feeling so much anymore.", James admitted, watching her animation with a thoughtful look.

"No, I actually think that your mental link is amplifying everything that you're feeling because when one of you is in pain, all three of you are and that pain just gets shared over and over again-", Marlene explained and she had to contain her own enthusiasm because even though that was insanely interesting, it also left her friends to be far more vulnerable than normal people were. "I am realizing that even though this is pretty exciting for someone like me it does sound exhausting. ", She then added, erasing her animation and trying to sound a little more somber.

"Can we ward ourselves against that, specifically when we're talking about physical pain. ", Regulus asked, a more than displeased expression on his face. It didn't surprise Marlene that he'd find an empathetic link with the Potters displeasing. It's not like he really fit with them. She felt bad for Lily for having to share her head with him, she'd have to ask her later what that was like.

"I don't know how to tell you this but I'm pretty sure that this has never happened before. I don't know to what extent you can control this. One thing is for sure, though. ", Marlene explained.

"Which is?", Lily asked.

"I'm almost certain that if one of you dies all three of you will.", Marlene replied, completely serious now. "You're sharing a life force, I don't think that you could survive losing a part of your threesome. "

"Please don't call it that.", Regulus winced but Marlene only rolled with her eyes.

"Prude. ", She remarked before focusing on James and Lily again who had both moved to sit down at the table again, so Marlene did the same.

"You don't seem surprised.", She pointed out and the trio shared a look before Lily shrugged.

"I sort of assumed that already. It feels like it. ", The woman only said, as if it was that simple, as if this wasn't the scariest yet most exciting thing ever.

"Can we get back to the Horcrux now?", Regulus asked inpatiently.

"Oh right! This seems almost boring now.", Marlene smirked, looking back at the locket that was still oozing with Voldemort's vile soul.

"It's a piece of the Dark Lord's-", Regulus started to protest, almost offended but Marlene brushed him off before he could finish.

"I'm kidding, baby Black! Bloody Hell. Don't get your knickers in a twist.", She hissed before taking a closer look at the locket. It had tiny hinges at its side, so it should be possible to open it but when she tried it wouldn't budge. Marlene raked her brain for any information on Horcruxes. She had read about them but nobody had worked with one in centuries.

"I don't know a ton about Horcruxes since they haven't been around for ages, so all my knowledge is theoretical and a little bit blurry since my memory isn't what it used to be, but you definitely shouldn't wear this thing anymore. Long term exposure to Horcruxes can have some nasty side effects. I think I read somewhere that they can possess you if you're exposed to them for long enough.", She explained what she could remember. She already knew that she had to go back to the house to get her family's old books on the matter. Marlene tried to keep her dread at bay, but the Horcrux in her hands definitely wasn't helping.

"We need to keep it save though.", Regulus protested.

"But we also need to protect ourselves from it.", Lily shot back.

"I have the perfect idea.", Marlene interrupted their bickering.

"You do?", Remus asked surprised.

"Yes, what's the perfect thing to store something as evil as this in?", Marlene asked, feeling a bit like a professor asking her students for the right answer. When none of them answered she groaned. "Come on! Really?! None of you? Pandora's box! The box that holds all the evils of the world!", She exclaimed and confusion spread all around the room.

"But that's just a story, right?", Remus asked.

"Yes, we learned about it in Muggle school. It's part of Greek mythology.", Lily added and Marlene let out a heavy sigh. Sometimes she forgot how niche the sort of magic her family specialized in was.

"Alright, you caught me. The whole story with Pandora getting curious and lifting the lid of the storage jar which released all the evils of the world is fake but there are vessels that this story is based on. They're build to hold incredibly dark magic and protect the owner of the magicalyl tainted artifact and are incredibly rare. We used one to contain cursed objects that we hadn't found a solution for yet.", She explained.

"Wait, so your family used to have one?", Regulus asked, interest sparking in his eyes.

"Not used to. I still have it, stored away with all the other magical artifacts and books my family gathered over centuries.", Marlene said.

"Stored away where?", Regulus continued to ask.

"Our old family home. "

Everyone fell silent for a moment. Marlene understood why. Her dead family was a sore subject for most of them but they probably worried about her reaction to having to go back there above anything.

"Oh...", Lily gasped. "Is it okay if we get it? You don't even have to come, you can give us a description or-", she offered but Marlene waved her off, putting on a brave face. She had been a Gryffindore for a reason.

"You're not gonna get into the house without me, I sealed it. ", She explained. When she left she hadn't wanted anyone in there, not even the ministry. She wanted everything unchanged in case she ever decided to return to it. She didn't really feel ready, not even a little bit, but now she had a reason to go back.

"It's okay. I'll be fine.", She lied.

"Marlene, you're a life saver.", James claimed but the words did little to calm her racing heart.

"Don't mention it.", She shrugged.

"Since you seem to know a lot about curse breaking, do you have any idea how we can destroy this thing? The box is more of a short term fix, isn't it.",Regulus asked and while Marlene did not like him, she was thankful for the change of subject.

"Off the top of my head, no. But it isn't going to be easy, you have to destroy that vessel that holds the soul beyond any possible repair. I don't know what sort of magic could do that but maybe our old research will tell us more.", She suggested.

Regulus gave her a long look, like he was analysing her, then he nodded. "Thank you.",he said and Marlene thought that she had misheard him. But no, Regulus Black, heir to the noble house of Black, blood supremasist and death eater, had just thanked her.

"Wow, I just saw hell freeze over.", She commented drily.

"Marlene-", Lily sighed again but Marlene ignored her protests.

"Finite.", She whispered, dropping her second sight and looking at the group without their auras again. As exciting as it was, it was good to see Lily and James without their ghostly, deathlike auras. They felt more real this way.

"So are we getting the box soon, or what? I really don't want to build the anticipation for my dreaded return any more than necessary. ", She then asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lily, James and Regulus: *literally sharing a soul and life force*  
> Marlene: And they were soulmates  
> Sirius and Remus: Oh my god, they were soulmates
> 
> ~
> 
> Sirius: I wish we were straight, we'd be perfect together  
> Marlene: Ew, no. Go figure out your relationship with your boyfriend
> 
> ~  
> Next chapter probably:
> 
> Marlene: how does it feel to share your head with an evil death eater wizard  
> Lily: *currently listening to Regulus' 24/7 inner monologue about how he's a rotten vile creature*  
> Lily: I feel like you and Reg could bond over how much you both hate him

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Tell me your thoughts on it! Nothing motivates me more than reading your comments!


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